Some People Feel That Children Are Over-rated

 

Some people feel that children are over-rated.

Some people feel that children in today's society are overrated, and the joy they provide will never equal the joy they take away from their parents. Despite the many years parents spend working to provide food, clothing, shelter, and modern conveniences, many children want more. Instead of appreciating what they have been given, many adult children are constantly "on the take." Fortunately, as in any relationship, parent-child interactions can be changed.

In the past, children knew their place, knew what was expected of them, and knew how to behave in public places. They were obedient, focused, and knew the value of hard work. To earn success, they knew how to set goals and take steps toward achieving such goals. They learned the value of patience, from statements like, "Rome was not built in a day" or "Good things come to those who wait." For many children of past generations, failure was not an option. 

Today's children are different because their upbringings have been different. Many lack the foundation that children of yesterday took for granted. In the name of love, others have been granted every wish or have been overindulged. Some children today never grow confident enough to make their own decisions or to move out on their own. Even as adults, they remain dependent upon their parents. But who's to blame for this? My  mother used to say, "You can't do better if you don't know better." Have modern-day parents overcompensated for their own strict upbringing? Have they failed their children after all? 

 

When it comes to raising children, there is no such thing as failure because where there's love and willingness, there is a way. While it might take a some time, it's never too late to make a difference in a child's life, no matter the age.  The following article accessed from Dr. Phil's website might provide some insights.

 (c) M.D. Johnson (2014)

 

How to Deal With Your Mooching Child

Is your kid still living at home or taking advantage of you financially? If you're struggling with an adult child that can't — or won't — become self-sufficient, Dr. Phil has advice:

Understand that over-indulgence is one of the most insidious forms of child abuse. Spoiling your children doesn't teach them how the world works. All you are teaching them is that if they ask enough, you'll give them what they want.

Your child is doing what he's doing because he can. Instead of asking why your kid isn't more productive, have a job or goals, ask yourself if you have created an environment in which your child doesn't have to. Can they maintain the standard of living you raised them in without any effort?

Learn how to say no. Your children need to learn that if they choose a behavior, they choose the consequences. Don't allow them to keep choosing behaviors that have negative consequences that you pick up the tab for!

Don't feel guilty for wanting your children to be out on their own. It does not mean you don't love them. It means that you don't want to rob them of the chance to be self-sufficient, productive adults who are able to have a sense of purpose and pride.

Remember that you don't solve money problems with money. You solve money problems with lifestyle, values and priorities. Come up with a plan that contains clear steps and a timeline that both of you can agree upon.

If you're frustrated because all of your help thus far hasn't been appreciated, remember that no good deed goes unpunished. Those you do the most for will resent you the most — because it becomes a bottomless pit. The most valuable gift that you can give your children in this situation is to start requiring more of them and allow them to be grownups.

http://stage29.drphil.com/articles/article/285

Twas The Night Before Christmas--Greatest story ever told?

Despite circumstances, Christmas was the happiest time of the year for us.

Christmas is a season of the year that signifies good will, good tidings, and great joy, and whether you believe in the story of the baby Jesus, the wise men, and a virgin Mary, Christmas is the happiest time of the year for most of us because it inspires us to give and become better human beings, at least for this brief moment in time.

Despite the naysayers, non-believers, and negative thinkers, we need holidays like Christmas. Christmas is a time of joy, giving, and celebration. It is a time for making memories that last a lifetime, and it is a time for family and friends to acknowledge and support one another. I don't know if I believe in the wise men or the immaculate conception, but I believe in the spirit of giving and celebration. I believe in the perpetuation of hope and joyfulness on this planet, if only for one month.

When I was a child, Christmas was the most important day of the year. On Christmas eve, sometimes we waited until late evening for our mother to arrive and announce an arrangement for someone to deliver or for us to pick up a tree at the end of the day, a time when no more last-minute sales were predicted and merchants were willing to negotiate a bargain for leftover trees.

By the time our mother arrived home, the house was sparkling clean, and the Christmas tree ornaments had been meticulously arranged in a box on the floor, waiting for a miracle. We knew there might not be a tree, but we always hoped and prayed there would be. 

Our mother would arrive home exhausted from a hard day of working a job or two, and we would greet her happily. She would turn on the stereo and put on a Christmas album by Elvis or a collection that included "Little Drummer Boy," by Andy Williams. Then, she would deliver the news: "Mrs. Bowie is gonna go pick up our tree." We'd burst into screams of joy then sit on the floor or on the couch and wait for the doorbell to ring. "Brinnnnng!" was the most beautiful sound in the entire world, and for once during the year,
Mr. Bowie, our neighbor,  looked handsome, sober, and happy to be of service to someone.

Toxic relations must be dealt with but not at the office party: 8 Strategic Moves. (Part II)

Toxic Relationships must be dealt with, but not at the office party. Best thing to do is avoid adversity and try to have a good time. Keep track of personal violations by toxic others, but keep in mind, whatever is going on with them is not about you. During the holiday season, it's a good time to remember that it takes two to maintain a toxic relationship, but only one to end it. Implement an end-game strategy to be used after festivities are over and a new year begins.

My 8 strategic moves against toxic others:

1. Stop. Avoid over-thinking the "woulda, coulda, shoulda's."  Leave the past negative thoughts and feelings behind and focus on what positive actions you will take after the holidays.

2. Look. When you are being confronted or undermined, take time to look  into the eyes of the individual.  Engage in a nonverbal conversation that includes having a good look at the toxic individual's facial expressions and demeanor. Try to imagine the source of the venom flowing from their eyes, nose and ears. As they talk, simply refuse to respond.  Make sure you take a good hard look at the individual who seems bent on undermining you.  

3. Listen. Try to hear the emotions behind the action or commentary, and try to imagine what sad truth underlies the toxic, outward behavior. If you want to know what's ailing someone, just listen and learn.

4. Empathize. Try to put yourself in the place of the toxic individual so as to feel the frustration, anger, or insecurity. In other words, try to "walk a mile in their shoes."

5. Focus on the positive and manage your emotions so as to enjoy the party.  Keep yourself calm by reminding yourself it's not about you. Toxic people are involved in negative interactions that have little to do with you. While they eventually must be stopped or managed, their negative actions started long ago, so relax and find others to mingle with.

6. Address the problem when you feel emotionally strong enough and when the situation and timing are right. It's not a bad idea to mention your feelings the next time you are confronted or undermined by the toxic individual. Choose the right time and place, but do not ignore what needs to be done. Also, do not allow your negative thoughts to simmer. This leads to loss of self-esteem which encourages more disrespect by the toxic individual.

7. Be assertive and empathic. Explain how you feel when the toxic individual behaves in certain ways. Refer to specific actions or statements rather than generalities, and be ready to face anger or hostility. 

8. Decide on your next step, keeping in mind it takes two to maintain a toxic relationship but only one to end it. After addressing concerns, if anger or hostility is the response you receive, it's not about you. Good relationships are based on mutual respect.

Office parties and family gatherings can be wonderful, but not if you are negatively impacted by a toxic individual. During the party, maintain a positive attitude and enjoy the festivities. With a systematic strategy that begins with self-respect and includes assertiveness and empathy, a toxic relationship can be changed, avoided, or eliminated.

Ending a "toxic relationship" requires a good "exit strategy." - Part I

As with any relationship, toxic relationships exist in a partnership. It takes two or more people to make it work. Negative social interactions might begin as friendship, but as time goes by, an imbalance of power can develop and at some point, the relationship can change into a negative cycle of disrespect and co-dependency. Eventually, an imbalance of personal  power leads to insecurity and the need for self-validation by those within the relationship. This can include disrespect, abuse of power or other forms of mistreatment due to fear or lack of mutual respect. If allowed to continue unchecked, such negative interactions can be detrimental to emotional health. 


As the imbalance of power increases in a toxic relationship, one person suffers loss of self esteem and diminished emotional strength which allows the other to feel an abnormal sense of power. Over a period of time, the relationship changes into a type of co-dependency or emotional imbalance defined by disrespect, mistreatment, and emotional distress. No matter who the perpetrator happens to be, a toxic relationship is like arsenic, a slow poison. It has the power to kill, figuratively and literally.


We often fail to acknowledge a toxic relationship, but we know when one exists. Any relationship that leaves us feeling sad, insecure, emotionally depleted or psychologically diminished is toxic. Sometimes, the toxicity remains long after the individual has left the premises, but the negative feelings that remain are unmistakable. Becoming aware of  our emotions and what triggers those emotions is key to discovering or detecting "toxic others" whether they are family, friends, co-workers, or respected members of society.


It is important to remember that maintaining negative relationships is a choice. It takes two people to maintain a toxic relationship but only one to end it.  Ignoring such a relationship only postpones the inevitable because unless someone dies or disappears, a toxic relationship will not vanish on its own. 


Making the choice to rid our lives of toxic people is not easy. Far too many fail to manage toxic relationship fearing the consequences, but negative relationships must be managed or eliminated. Toxic relationships don't happen overnight, and likewise, they will not end overnight, so ending a toxic relationship requires courage, determination, and a good exit strategy.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." - Frederick Douglass

Children are our most precious commodity because the future of our world rests in their hands. So why don't we value them so they learn to value themselves? Why don't we listen when they talk so they feel they have something to say? Why don't we instill within our child that sense of importance instead of waiting for them to learn it on their own? There is no rule book for raising children, but they thrive on love, support and creativity. They watch what we do and follow our example.

Building a strong child does not happen on its own. Because it happened to you when you were a child doesn't make it right. Because it was good for someone else doesn't mean it is good for you or your child. When it comes to raising children, there is no "one size fits all." Each child is different, with different temperaments, different abilities, and different learning styles but all children are brilliant at something. It is the job of parents to find that brilliance, nurture it, protect it, and allow it to shine.

Children mostly model the behavior of adults. That's how they know right from wrong and how they determine what's good or bad. If you tell them they're fantastic but treat them like dirt, which do you think they'll believe? 

Children need positive influences, but children also need to face reality, and negative outcomes are part of that reality. When parents offer too much praise while their children are young, constantly complimenting meaningless things or when parents fail to acknowledge and discuss negative experiences, children miss the opportunity to face adversity, build inner strength and become emotionally resilient. 

Life consists of positive and negative experiences, and children need to learn how to accept negative comments or responses. It takes several positive comments to overcome one negative comment, so criticism works best when balanced by positive comments.

As the popular poem goes, "Children Learn what they live." No one said raising a child would be easy, but when we contract to bring children into this world, it's a responsibility that we accept and a job that gets easier if we practice the behavior we want them to learn. Parents are not perfect nor do they have to be, but they need to be conscious and conscientious when raising future leaders of this world. It is easier to build a strong child than to repair a broken one.

CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE

Dorothy Law Nolte

If a child lives with criticism,
he learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility,
he learns to fight.

If a child lives with fear,
he learns to be apprehensive.

If a child lives with pity,
he learns to feel sorry for himself.

If a child lives with ridicule,
he learns to be shy.

If a child lives with jealousy,
he learns what envy is.

If a child lives with shame,
he learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with encouragement,
he learns to be confident.

If a child lives with tolerance,
he learns to be patient.

If a child lives with praise,
he learns to be appreciative.

If a child lives with acceptance,
he learns to love.

If a child lives with approval,
he learns to like himself.

If a child lives with recognition,
he learns that it is good to have a goal.

If a child lives with sharing,
he learns about generosity.

If a child lives with honesty and fairness,
he learns what truth and justice are.

If a child lives with security,
he learns to have faith in himself and in those about him.

If a child lives with friendliness,
he learns that the world is a nice place in which to live.

If you live with serenity,
your child will live with peace of mind.

With what is your child living?

Source: Canfield, J. & Wells, H. C. (1976). 100 ways to enhance self-concept in the classroom: A handbook for teachers and patents. Boston: Allyn & Bacon.

October: My favorite month of the year, but there's a hurricane headed toward Bermuda.

Fall or autumn is my favorite season, and October is one of my favorite months of the year. October is also one of the most beautiful months of the year, but it comes during hurricane season, and when Mother Nature has her say, she always has the last word. To everything, there is a season.

When I was a child, I spent some time in a place called, "Tornado Alley." During tornado season, tornado warnings were announced on a continual basis.  Watching the news, everyone was terrified. I remember sitting on the sofa in the darkness with my brothers and sisters, waiting for the storm to pass and secretly wishing it would  pass just close enough for us to watch it touch down, but far enough away for it to cause no damage to our neighborhood or to any other neighborhood, for that matter. 

We lived in a nine-room house with connecting rooms, and there was a special place to hide--a long hallway situated in the middle of the house. We could close the bathroom, dining room, and two bedroom doors and nothing could touch us. The entire house was built around the hallway. Now that I look back on it, a safe shelter must have been it's purpose from the very beginning, though we were never told that. When it rained and thundered terribly hard and bolts of lightening streaked across the sky, we huddled together underneath someone's bed, but that was before we were shown the perfect place to hide. 

Listening to the weather report seemed far more terrifying than looking out the window, but since we were prohibited from being anywhere near a window, we huddled together with one or both parents quietly watching TV until the sirens began screaming overhead. It was frightening and exciting, all at the same time. Once the sirens stopped and after getting permission, we rushed outside to see the blackened sky. The weather was often balmy and breezy, and the sky took on a reddish hue. It was simply beautiful. If there had been rain, we made sure to splash into every puddle. Sometimes we sat on the curb and watched our neighbors playing up and down the street. 

Each night after a tornado, we were told to get on our knees and pray that no lives had been lost during the storm and to give thanks that the tornado had spared our home, our neighborhood, and finally, our lives. It's not that we were insignificant. It's just that we were not the only ones in danger. We always remembered, it was not only about us. That's what I learned from tornadoes.  

There's a tornado headed toward Bermuda in the coming days, and although it's not headed for the U.S.A., I am reminded that there are people, neighborhoods, and children hiding in safe places so many miles away, and if I pray for their safety, not only will they be safe, we will be safe here in the U.S.A.    (Although I like believing this, I know that sometimes my prayer will be answered and sometimes not because
to everything, there is a season.)
 

I understand and accept Christian beliefs, but I especially understand and accept "karma."

I have always been able to make my life happier than it might have been.  As a child, I remember the chaos and unhappiness we sometimes suffered at the hands of an abusive father who loved us more than anything but followed the teachings of his father, who followed the teachings of his father who had followed the teachings of his father, so generation after generation, the rule of thumb was: "Spare the rod and spoil the child." We were never spoiled.

My day began with a schedule of chores and tasks to be completed by the end of the day, and if they were not completed, we knew what to expect. Except for my two older siblings and the two youngest, my mother's ten children were spaced about eighteen months apart, and until I was ten, we had two parents. After the divorce and once I was twelve, my job was to make sure the chores and cooking were done before my mother returned home from work.

In order to inspire my younger siblings, I learned to create stories from my dreams and tell nursery rhymes improvised so that they included each of my siblings. Sometimes, we played games inside the house and sometimes outside in the yard, but we created magic and made a way out of no way, creating paper dolls, building go-carts from skates and planks of wood, and completing chalk drawings on a very long, concrete driveway.

My life was a challenge, but not as challenging as my mother's life nor my older sister's life. But compared to other church members, it seemed as though my mother was mistreated and neglected by the Creator. So by age eleven,  I had stopped believing in God because no one could answer the question: Why does my pretty mother have to suffer and struggle so much? Without fail, the answer was always, "It's the Lord's will." Each of their responses was followed this question (which I never expressed): What kind of "Lord" would allow such misfortune? Clearly, I did not understand many things, especially the fact that our mother felt "blessed" to have all ten of us.

Despite the fact that my mother believed in her religion and was able to face and overcome her challenges, I sought to understand.  Finally, I heard about karma, translated into the Christian concept, "You reap what you sow." I continued to attend our Christian church, but by age thirteen, I understood karma to mean: "What goes around comes around."  I understood and accepted Christian beliefs, but I especially understood and accepted "karma." The poem which follows explains how karma works, but it does not explain that with karma, those ripples go on and on until they come back to you!

PEBBLE IN THE WATER

Drop a pebble in the water,
just a splash, and it's gone;
But there's half a hundred ripples
circling on and on and on,

Spreading, spreading from the center,
flowing on out to sea.
And there is no way of telling
where the end is going to be.

Drop a pebble in the water;
in a minute you will forget,
But there's little waves a-flowing
and there's ripples circling yet,

And those little waves a-flowing
to a great big wave have grown;
You've disturbed a mighty river
just by dropping in a stone.

Drop an unkind or careless word:
in a minute it is gone;
But there's half a hundred ripples
circling on and on and on,

They keep spreading, spreading,
spreading from the center as they go,
And there is no way to stop them,
once you've started the flow.

Drop an unkind or careless word:
in a minute you forget;
But there's little waves a-flowing,
and there's ripples circling yet.

And perhaps in some sad heart
a mighty wave of tears you've stirred,
And disturbed a life that was happy
where you dropped that unkind word.

Drop a word of cheer and kindness:
just a flash and it is gone;
But there is half a hundred ripples
circling on and on and on,

Bearing hope and joy and comfort
on each splashing, dashing wave,
Till you wouldn't believe the volume
of the one kind word you gave.

Drop a word of cheer and kindness:
in a minute you will forget;
But there's gladness still a-swelling,
and there's joy circling yet.

And you've rolled a wave of comfort
whose sweet music can be heard,
Over miles and miles of water
just by dropping one kind word.

Author Unknown
 

10 Commandments of Failure

 

10 Commandments of Failure

   

1. Thou shalt ignore similarities and differences in self and others.

2. Thou shalt ruminate on past mistakes and forget that "to err, is human."

3. Thou shalt always take it personal when others betray or persecute thou.

4. Thou shalt hide thy talents in order to fit in or gain acceptance.

5. Thou shalt ignore empathy, forgiveness, and the power of love.

6. Thou shalt not change thy mind or disappoint someone.

7. Thou shalt do unto others before they do unto thou.

8. Thou shalt firmly believe whatever "happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."

9. Thou shalt ignore the power of integrity.

10. Thou shalt not believe in a spiritual higher power.

(c) M.D. Johnson (2014)

What I learned about listening

What I learned about listening

When you don't listen, I feel I am boring.
When you don't listen, I wonder what you are thinking.
When you don't listen, I feel disheveled and unkempt.
When you don't listen, I want to comb my hair.

When you don't listen, I wonder who you'd prefer to see.
When you don't listen, I feel your mind is made up about me.
When you don't listen, I feel you don't care what I think.
When you don't listen, I feel you don't care what I have to say.
When you don't listen, I doubt you could understand.
When you don't listen, I feel marginalized.
When you don't listen, I feel unappealing.

When you don't listen, I feel undermined.
When you don't listen, I feel incompetent.
When you don't listen, I feel invisible.
When you don't listen, I feel threatened.
When you don't listen, I feel disrespected.
When you don't listen, I feel isolated and alone.

When you don't listen, I get a stomach ache.
When you don't listen, I want to eat a bag of chips.
When you don't listen, I want to drink something bad.
When you don't listen, I want to run and hide.
When you don't listen, my brain plays tricks on me.
When you don't listen, I believe negative thoughts.
When you don't listen, I doubt that you care.

When you don't listen, I think you dislike me.
When you don't listen, I'm scared to look in your eyes.
When you don't listen, I want to make you see me,
    so I think of passive-aggressive ways 
                            to erase you.

But...when you listen and look me in the eyes
    I feel inspired.
    I feel interesting.
    I learn more about myself.
    I feel good about myself.
    I feel more secure knowing I have something to give.   
When you listen, I learn more about you, too.
When you listen, I think you find me intriguing.
When you listen, I think you're beautiful.

(c) M.D. Johnson (2014)

Procrastinators are always at the end of the line, and it could be considered an act of self-sabotage.

 

Procrastinators are always at the end of the line and it could be considered an act of sabotage.

Procrastinators are always at the end of the line, and in a world where the early bird gets the worm, it could be considered a self-sabotaging behavior.  It's not cool to arrive "fashionably late" in life-or-death situations or when something important is at stake, but people do it, and complain when they don't succeed. Another name for such behavior? Self-sabotage. Procrastination can be considered an act of self-sabotage. No matter how perfect your world seems to be, procrastination is a sign that all is not well, and there is a  weakness somewhere in your emotional life. If you are a procrastinator, maybe this will help.

(c) M.D. Johnson (2014)

http://www.orgcoach.net/overcomeprocrastination.html

Unpredictability in a child's life is detrimental to her health.

 

Unpredictability in a child's life is detrimental to her health

Predictability has a way of keeping us grounded, focused on goals, and reassured that everything will be all right. Unpredictability is one of the factors that lead to mistrust, doubt, and fear in children. Parents' inability to show mutual respect and get along for the sake of their children is negatively impacting families and future generations. Sometimes, separation or divorce is the best or only solution, but it should not hurt innocent children.

Each day, I hear accounts of some tragic event involving someone who has lost his or her way. I hear of young men crowded in prisons or I look around and see beautiful girls gone sour due to lack of a structured life, lack of a positive role model, or an inadequately involved father figure, something I'll never know because for the first ten years of my life, my father was there in mind and spirit, despite the fact that he worked two jobs six days a week.

Since my father worked two jobs, the only way we could see him during the week was to wait up past midnight until he returned home from his second job. Once he returned home, he sat three of us on his lap somehow, and sang us nursery rhymes until we were groggy enough to say, goodnight. When my parents divorced he always said, “I want you to always respect your mother because whatever happened was not her fault. She was a good woman when I met her and she's a good woman now.” I can't thank my father enough for that show of respect and affection.

I wish parents understood the importance of children having father figures as well as mother figures in their lives, despite divorces and break-ups. I wish we all understood that it's not a traditional two-parent family that children need. It's peace, safety, and harmony.  Children need to know that they are safe and that each of their parents is safe.  They need to know they are loved by each parent, and they need to be protected from the petty battles that tend to surface once a relationship goes sour.

As it's been said, “Children live what they learn.” It's up to parents to teach children how to live positive, stable lives filled with love and support, despite marital or parental problems and concerns.

(c) M.D. Johnson (2014)

Comedian "Rod Man" Live --If you need a good laugh, check him out!

 

What is your sense of humor IQ?

 

Psychologists say laughter is the shortest distance between two people. Also, it is one of the quickest ways to chase negative thoughts away. With your busy schedule you might ask, who has time to laugh? A better question would be, who has time to NOT laugh?  

 

Laughter is good for the body, mind, and soul. When it comes to our emotional well-being, its benefits have been compared to the effects of exercise. Laughter is not something that happens on a regular basis unless you make it so. The best way to make sure you laugh every day is to schedule opportunities for laughter into your lifestyle, which includes 30 minutes of laughter every day. You can begin with a sitcom that makes you smile. Eventually, it will make you laugh because no matter how many negative thoughts you process each day, the brain can be retrained to seek happiness. No matter how depressed you might feel, laughter can be scheduled into your lifestyle, and with practice, the brain will accept it. Remember, practice makes perfect. You can improve your sense of humor IQ.

(c) M.D. Johnson (2014)

 http://www.belmontwellness.com/sense-humor-iq-take-humor-inventory-find-out/

Just when you thought you'd seen and heard it all, Mother Nature sings you a lullaby.

Imagine this. Just when you thought you'd seen and heard it all, Mother Nature sings you a lullaby, whispers a "Once Upon a Time a long while ago" directly into your ear.

That's what happened one evening. I was thinking as I shut the door and walked outside after an argument: "It's one of those, 'Been there, done that, I'm ripping up the t-shirts and I'm not coming back' kind of days." It had been a long day, not only for me. Funny how pride works so well with stupidity.

I had walked past doorways and barking dogs just to sit on the curb, though I would have preferred a stoop. I'll never forget how the stars were there in the background, ready to put on a show, but on this particular evening, they would have been outdone. I stood, mesmerized, listening without hearing, just watching the sunset. Without words to be heard, I understood. Watching until the moon rose high and stars sparkled, I could almost hear the sound of praises being sung, celebrating the beauty of Nature, reminding me that life is precious and fleeting, like this sunset, like a lullaby.

 

Watching the sky, listening to the sounds of night creatures I realized, tomorrow is not promised, and I needed to just let it go, dismiss whatever pettiness was consuming me, and go with the universal ebb and flow that began once upon a time and has always been there. But I won't always be.

 

 

Copyright Emme H. Johnson 2013

To make a plant beautiful, it must be pruned and reshaped but to make a child beautiful, does it require the same?

This photo represents the beauty of crepe myrtle and all living things, but it does not reveal the hard work that went into making it so--the cutting back, pruning, shaping, and directing its designated path. Some plants, if pruned too severely, don't live through the process, but when they do, the flowers are phenomenal. It reminds me of parenting, what it takes to make a beautiful, strong child, but if the parenting is biased, frightening, unpredictable, too severe, neglectful, or filled with envy, violence or shame, it is called child abuse. The problem with child abuse is its secrecy regarding what happens behind closed doors. Friends and family might suspect it, but they usually choose to turn a blind eye, opting for the beautiful picture presented by a predator, perpetrator, or well-meaning abusive parent. It's time we all accepted the fact that outward appearances are often unreliable. So if something seems contradictory or strange in your experience, don't be so quick to persecute or pass judgment, especially if you don't know the facts. Just remember, there are two sides to every beautiful or horrid story--external appearances and the truth.

I learned something new about myself: I can be stubborn, stupidly so.

I learned something new about myself.  I can be stubborn, stupidly so.

Today is  July 2nd, and I don't want to travel on July 4th because I traveled two days ago, and I'm still exhausted. It was a strange one-day getaway that should have included at least an overnight stay. At about 2am after a discussion that required a lot of politically correct commentary, I decided to head back home since I was wide awake and couldn't sleep.  

Contemplating the four-hour drive, I had felt assured I could complete the return trip home although earlier that day I had driven four hours, conducted business for four hours, visited family for four hours, had dinner, and helped someone on a project for another three hours. Once I realized I couldn't sleep, I didn't want to waste precious driving time tossing and turning only to face a full-blown sunrise the next day. I had only four hours to get the rental car back before 10 am. At the time, driving in misty moonlight seemed a good idea because starting at sunrise and continuing the drive east for four hours after minimal sleep sounded dangerous. 

With my final decision to leave in the middle of night, I felt like a wise, experienced driver. But despite my experience as a driver and despite the fact I was driving a brand new Volkswagen Golf, it wasn't a smart move, not because of the problems I might have encountered, but also because I failed to listen to myself. Anyone in her right mind would have found a way to fall asleep and leave more energized in the morning. 

Driving at night was peaceful and beautiful, but I missed a turn because of the foggy haze. I had to pull into the parking lot of a well-lighted Kangaroo gas station and take a little nap, not so much because I was tired but because I was lost. After much tossing and turning, I still had to force myself to sleep. I awoke at sunrise and continued the drive home, suddenly realizing I had put myself at risk.

Because of poor problem-solving, I had put myself in danger, but I learned something new about myself. I can be stubborn, stupidly so. I had ignored my better judgment because I had wanted to avoid driving east in the morning hours with the sunrise blazing in my face. I never considered what happens during the night after a hot summer day: misty, foggy mornings and zero visibility. 

At sunrise, I had only an hour or so to drive, but things might have turned out differently. I'm sure this is how so many fatalities take shape. I was lucky this time, and I am thankful and wiser. Being tired is a small price to pay for just getting home safe.
(c) M.D. Johnson (2014)

Predictability has a way of keeping us grounded and reassured.

Predictability has a way of keeping us grounded, focused on goals, and reassured that everything will be alright. Each day, I hear accounts of some tragic event resulting from someone who has lost his way or I look around and see beautiful girls gone sour due to lack of a structured life, lack of a positive role model, or adequate father figure, something I'll never know because for the first ten years of my life, my father was there in mind and spirit, despite the fact that he worked two jobs six days a week. The only way we could see him during the week was to wait up past midnight until he returned home from his second job. Once he returned home, he sat three of us on his lap somehow, and sang us nursery rhymes until we were groggy enough to say, goodnight.

I suppose you could say my father was our super hero in the sense that he was our teacher, protector, family provider, gardener, handyman, cook and entertainer. He wasn't stern, but he was a strict disciplinarian. If we disobeyed his directives, did a sloppy job, acted lazy or irresponsible or told a lie, we knew what to expect.

I remember one time I thought I'd get a terrible whipping but only after I had been thoroughly chastised. I had carelessly kicked the water faucet while trying to kill a bee. Suddenly, water spewed everywhere and it was clear, I had disconnected something. I felt as though I had destroyed the universe! I felt flushed and on the brink of tears. I ran to my mother but was told to awaken my father from his nap and explain my carelessness.

When he awoke, he looked at me in disbelief. Then he walked outside, proceeded to shut off the water source, asked me to get his car keys, and drove to the hardware store. In less than an hour, the rusted pipe had been replaced and everything looked as good as new. My father turned on the water source, gave me a glance, and returned to his afternoon nap. I knew his off day was a time to recharge, and I had expected the worst. That's the one time I remember my father being unpredictable, but he taught me a valuable lesson without saying a word: nothing is impossible.

Unpredictability is wonderful at times, but there's something nice and reassuring about predictability, something so many of today's young people do not have. My life was not better than what I see today, but it was more predictable. I knew what to expect. I cherish the 10 years my parents were together with our family. It was a magical time before the big "D" which happened b/c he wasn't perfect; yet, he was perfect to me.

Maybe it's not your fault--the five most common reasons for parent-child estrangement

 

Maybe it's not your fault--the five most common reasons for parent-child estrangement

Society can be hard on women, especially as they age. It's no wonder the suicide rate for women is highest among those 45 to 54 years of age. This is a time when women experience changes in their appearance and circumstances. This is a time when many women experience diminished self-esteem, often for reasons  beyond their control.

 

While there is no one thing that causes a loss of self-esteem, the result can be depression or eventually, suicide. Regardless of age, women need to find ways to express emotions, uncover reasons for any unhappiness, and rediscover positive aspects of life. This is easier said than done, however, especially when a woman feels rejected by adult children she parented, loved, and made sacrifices for.

 

In the article, "What To Do When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along," drjananderson.com lists five most common reasons for parent-child estrangement:

 

1. DIVORCE

2. ADDICTION OR MENTAL ILLNESS

3. ESTRANGEMENT DUE TO A SON-IN-LAW OR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

4. TEMPERAMENTAL MISMATCHES

5. NEED FOR AUTONOMY

 

  "As the most family-oriented time of year approaches, it’s a time of heartache for parents whose adult children have cut them off – and the growing..." 
http://www.drjananderson.com/grown-child/

If you have an estranged child or know someone who does, writing a letter might be an important first step. After following the link and reading the article, please feel free to write a response to any of the five most common reasons identified for parent-child estrangement or add a reason of your own. You can keep your writing personal or share it on this blog site. The important thing is to start the process of healing and forgiving self and others. Best of luck! 

(c) M.D. Johnson (2014)

What are some of your best tactics for turning an otherwise tragic or horrible day into a positive memory that you  can reach for when surrounded by negativity or sadness? It's been said, positive memories fuel happiness. Do your experiences support this opinion?

 

My experiences support this opinion, but with a caveat. Psychologists and researchers explain that it takes many positive experiences to offset one negative one because the brain is biased toward negativity. So if one has many negative and few positive memories to attach to, feeling positive when faced with negativity is more challenging. But the brain is willing to adapt and change according to whatever we require.

 

According to science, throughout our existence has become conditioned to keeping us aware of danger and in a psychologically "safe zone." In order to keep us feeling safe, it tracks our emotions, flags the extremely negative ones, and is on the lookout when these negative feelings are repeated. When a negative emotion is repeated, the brain stores the information and remembers it. After a few incidents, the brain is able to anticipate this negative emotion and set of "alarms" such as fear, dread or other negative emotions in advance. 

 

As a result of the brain's attention to negative emotions, we experience fear or angst before something terrible really takes place. Because of its ability to warn us of danger, the brain is "biased" toward negativity.This information is based on research and evidence acquired through scientific experiments and studies of how the brain behaves.

 

Using evidence from research and experiments, scientists and psychologists explain that the brain adapts and changes its structure in order to keep us feeling safe and contented, but it is "biased" toward detecting negativity first and foremost. 

 

One example of such research is scientific experiments conducted to determine the extent of our brain's "negative bias."   In one type of experiment, participants were shown pictures of faces or images that led to positive emotions--babies, smiles, or slices of pizza! They were also presented pictures of images that were considered disgusting or grossly negative, like dead animals, garbage, etc. Participants always noticed the negative images first, remembered them more vividly, and remembered them for longer periods of time. This led to further studies and confirmation that the brain has a negative bias (even as it works to keep us happy).

 

Because the brain is also dedicated to our feelings of well-being, it is willing to adapt to our needs, but it takes more work if one has been inundated by negative experiences. My opinion is not scientific, but it is based on years of research on the topic of depression and PTSD. My point is this: In as much as we are told, "Don't worry, be happy" in one way or another, our emotional systems are not created equal, so some of us must work harder to find positive memories that can be used when we feel overwhelmed or challenged by negativity.

 

The key to overcoming negative thoughts and experiences is knowing the brain is willing to do whatever it takes to keep us happy and safe. Finding happiness is easy for some of us; the rest of us have to work hard to create positive moments to fuel positive thinking, but it can be done with a little willpower and willingness to force the brain to change.

It's been said, positive memories fuel happiness. Do you agree?

Starting a discussion:

 

I'm not one to give up when I think something is important, worth repeating, or inspiring, so I continue to share what I learn, but I'd like to know your thoughts as well. What advice would you give to those who face negative feelings day to day? What are some of your best tactics for turning an otherwise tragic or horrible day into a positive memory that you  can reach for when surrounded by negativity or sadness? It's been said, positive memories fuel happiness. Do your experiences support this opinion?

 

********

 

The focus of this blog continues to be emotional strength-building through writing and self-expression, but the focus will be changing to some extent. In the future, when I blog (about once a week),  I will sometimes offer writing prompts to encourage self-expression and reflection. I will continue sharing stories of survival, asking questions, and offering what I have learned but I will also be relying on you to share ideas on this blog site or privately via email (published only at your request). If you would like a response to your writing, I am also qualified and able to offer a free and confidential response by request at http://www.emomastery.com. 

Hide or die? -   II

When faced with emotional challenges, many people hide their symptoms, mask their emotions, or choose prescription drugs and other "quick-fix" solutions, but self-medicating practices do not address the underlying emotional stress. Psychologists agree, emotions must be expressed, and talk therapy is best. However, writing/reflection is another way to express thoughts and feelings and come out of hiding.

Emotional turmoil and unexpressed emotions can fuel negative thoughts that lead to emotional disorders like PTSD and depression. Emotional disorders are caused by a combination of factors interacting together and they rarely disappear on their own, so some type of intervention is usually necessary. Keeping a journal of thoughts and feelings provides valuable information for determining symptoms and treatment, but the act of writing also allows for self-expression and emotional strength-building.The purpose of this blog is to provide a space for sharing thoughts and information about how to overcome negativity and build emotional competence. 

 

The focus of this blog continues to be emotional strength-building through writing and discussion, but the focus will be changing to some extent. In the future, when I blog (about once a week),  I will sometimes offer writing prompts to encourage self-expression and reflection. I will continue sharing stories of survival, asking questions, and relying on you to share ideas on this site or via email. By your request, I am also able to provide confidential commentary on your writings at http://www.emomastery.com. 

 

Thanks for following this blog site! Feel free to explore this site and reread any earlier entries. If you so desire, please share your thoughts on any present or prior blog post or topic and let me know if you would like your commentary publicized. I offer commentary via email and will publicize your commentary ONLY by your request. Your privacy is assured. I also look forward to hearing about challenges you faced and overcame or have yet to overcome.

About me: Unless otherwise indicated, all entries on this blog site are authored by Emme H. Johnson.  For the sake of your privacy, I only follow your blogs if you follow mine. I am a poet/writer, workshop developer,  licensed secondary education teacher, and prior college instructor with more than 20 years full-time teaching experience. I am certified in emotional intelligence learning systems. More important, I am a survivor of post-traumatic-stress disorder (PTSD). I once thought 9/11 would be the end of all joy and happiness, but despite our tremendous loss, it became a new place to begin.

 

For more information, you can send me a private email via http://www.emomastery.com. Leave a phone number if you wish to be phoned. I look forward to hearing from you. Follow me @emomastery or @survivingaday. Thanks for stopping by. Thanks for following!

Emme H. Johnson

 

Emotional Disorders: Would you rather hide or die?

 I. Hide or die?

Because I faced and overcame emotional trauma after 9/11, I started this blog to encourage writing and discussion about emotional disorders, hoping to exchange information about how to face and overcome emotional trauma. I was relying on your input as well as my own, but from my observation, the topic is still taboo. Edward Snowden's release of documents proving constant government surveillance and eavesdropping also didn't help. But would you rather hide or die?

Recognizing symptoms is the first step to treating an emotional disorder, but there appears to be resistance and general distrust when it comes to seeking intervention or treatment. Likewise, there appears to be a reluctance in offering personal opinions, telling stories, or sharing experiences. While this is understood, it doesn't help solve the problem plaguing our world. Emotional disorders are the number one cause of disability world wide. Yet, they are the most treatable, whether through mental health practitioners or through self-help techniques.

Emotional and anxiety disorders are nobody's fault, but they remain the leading cause of disability world wide. They are called "invisible" illnesses because they are still misunderstood, undermined or negated. Due to fear of being ostracized, discovered by medical insurers, losing a job or being blamed, far too many people are opting to find "quick-fix" solutions to emotional and anxiety problems.  Instead of seeing a mental health professional or finding scientifically researched ways to treat anxiety and depression, they are self-medicating and endangering the lives of self and others. Far too many communities are plagued by crime and acts of violence due to substance abuse, but the longer emotional disorders remain untreated, the greater the risk of tragic events, including suicide.

Emotional disorders like PTSD and depression are described as "invisible" illnesses because their symptoms are not easily recognized. Symptoms are often confused with those of other illnesses, downplayed, or hidden by sufferers themselves. To clarify or determine the extent of negative thoughts and feelings, it is important to keep a record of emotions and responses for a period of two weeks. 

Writing and reflecting at the end of the day is a perfect way to keep a record of emotions, and if negative thoughts and sad feelings persist for two weeks, seeing a mental health professional or using self-help techniques might be the next step.  Emotional disorders are invisible only if we allow it, but recognizing symptoms is an important first step.

Emme H. Johnson



http://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/40-shot-5-killed-spate-weekend-violence-chicago-n90826

We don't just grieve over people. If feelings of grief seem to linger, seek professional advice.

When I think of grief, I think of deep sorrow or loss. Grief is different for different individuals, and its intensity differs from individual to individual. What seems minor to one individual could be emotionally devastating to another. The common denominator in identifying grief is an overwhelming sense of loss. When it comes to coping with grief, there is no one size that fits all, but it is important to ask questions and address emotions if we feel sad after losing something or someone. 

We don't just mourn or grieve for people; we mourn the loss of pets or intangibles: losing a way of life, losing money, losing innocence, to name a few. Because grief begets sadness and creates the need to express feelings, grief is one way that we cope with loss. Studies indicate, our brains are programmed to focus on negativity, so some negative feelings are expected after a loss. However, excessive grief is not normal, and if self-expression through writing or talking to friends and family does not work, it might be important to seek professional counseling.

Mourning is a topic rarely addressed but it underlies so many actions and forms of behavior. Grieving is unlike other feelings; it reflects indescribable emotional injury that affects our thoughts and feelings until it is reckoned with. To come to terms with loss, we grieve or mourn. In mourning, we identify the source of loss and express our sad feelings. Feelings of loss are not negotiable, and unless these feelings are expressed and acknowledged, our individual occasions of grief can affect us for years, even leading to drug and alcohol abuse, domestic abuse or  emotional disorders like depression

Because emotions must be expressed, it's a good idea to find ways to get feelings out in the open where they can be accepted, analyzed and dealt with. No matter what caused the occasion to grieve, feelings are real, and the more negative the feelings, the longer they remain in our emotional system and affect our emotional well-being. 

Studies reveal, we are much more attracted to negative thoughts, and negative experiences remain with us for longer periods of time. So a good defense against unreconciled  feelings of loss is self-expression which allows us to uncover hidden sources of grief. There is a normal grieving period which differs for each of us, but if feelings of grief seem to linger, it's important to seek professional advice. - Emme H. Johnson

Note: This blog will be updated again after 4/19/2014 due to mandatory updates to Windows XP operating system. - Emme H. Johnson

Silence is NOT golden. - Emme H. Johnson

I grew up in a family of ten children and a single mother who taught lessons in songs, poetry, parables or ultimately a good swat on the backside. But I responded best to the parables. Maybe that's why I love slogans. But  the phrase, "If you see something, say something," should be more than a slogan. 

In American society, we are fond of lies, secrets and silence. As a result, women and men are bullied and abused every day.  Harassment, bullying or abuse has no color, creed, race, ethnicity, or gender. It's an equal opportunity form of inhumanity that the world seems to ignore because all too often, it happens to women or others who lack power, and the perpetrators happen to be those in high ranking or highly-respected positions.

We are taught that "Silence is golden," but all too often often, it is not. Why do we continue saying this? Who are we protecting by keeping silent? It's one of those phrases so many of us live by, just like the phrase, "Turn the other cheek." Which cheek and how many should we turn, but who's counting? Our preference for silence is acknowledged in phrases like, "If you can't say something good, don't say anything at all." To encourage silence, for example, "whistle-blowers" are not seen as heroic, and exposing enemies within the ranks is highly discouraged.

From life lessons, I have learned that emotions must be expressed and perpetrators must be exposed and stopped. Slogans keep us imprisoned by shame, embarrassment, fear of retaliation or job loss, fear of rejection, or fear of sudden change. I remember being told to keep quiet about a sexually harassing situation or I might lose my job. At age sixteen, I needed that summer job, so I smiled and kept quiet about someone's hand on my knee or inappropriate office meetings and unwanted invitations. When I grew older and faced workplace bullying from peers, I was told to take the high road and turn the other cheek or "forgive and forget." 

"What would Jesus do?" I asked myself when faced with adversity, but I really had no idea because I had only heard "acceptable" Jesus stories. Out of frustration, I consulted an elder role model who simply suggested I put the past behind me and move on. When I was molested by someone I knew and trusted, I decided to keep quiet and put the past behind me because who in the world would ever believe little old diminished me?

That's what happens when you keep quiet or turn the other cheek. You lose self esteem, feel diminished, and decide you have few options. Once this happens, you mistrust your instincts and believe what you've been told. You might even think it was somehow your fault. When abuse or harassment happens, it's your word against theirs, or so you might think. But it is not the truth. No one should be subjected to such inhumanity.

A good defense against negative treatment begins with high self-esteem and a good network of support. Building a network of support builds self-worth and confidence. Selecting people you can trust begins with watching, listening, and following instincts. Maybe you feel you can't trust anyone, but  it's important to be brave and find support by joining some organization, even outside of the establishment where the harassment is taking place. Believe in yourself and your ability to build connections. Once you find someone you can trust, little by little, let the truth be told. 

When it comes to being harassed, bullied or abused, silence is not golden. So if you see something, find a way to say something. It's not only the right thing to do, it's the only thing to do, one step at a time.

Self-discovery requires soul-searchng, but it doesn't have to hurt.

Self-discovery requires soul-searching, but it doesn't have to hurt. Generally, we are forced to discover our strengths and weakness because in some area of our lives, we have derailed and suddenly find ourselves unable to adequately solve problems or respond appropriately to factors in our environment. Often, being derailed begins with extreme levels of stress which lead to the inability to manage our lives. Being derailed usually indicates a need to build emotional competence, and writing is a good place to begin.

 

People who are emotionally competent can weather the emotional snowstorms without becoming overwhelmed or stumbling through snowdrifts, but all of us are not provided opportunities to become emotionally competent. Instead of solving problems and managing our stress, we flounder, behave inappropriately, and suffer from feelings of guilt or inadequacy. Feelings of inadequacy or guilt create a need to escape, and many of us do, through self-medication, over-eating, or various forms of acting out. We don't know how we got in such a situation and we don't know how to get out, but it's important that we find our way out before an emotional disorder strikes.

 

When feeling confused, we can always write it out, talk it out or act it out, but the best way I know to get in touch with ourselves is by writing it out, allowing emotions to surface without negating them, correcting them or being ashamed of them and without persecuting ourselves. After three to five minutes of writing, stressful feelings disappear, at least for a while. After taking a deep breath and sitting for a moment, the writing can be read and reviewed to see if any hidden emotions are revealed. If any negative emotions are discovered, they can be questioned, negated, and exchanged for more positive ones, one day and one writing at a time.

 

Writing is therapeutic because it makes no judgments or demands, and it allows us to express feelings. Experts say that emotions must be expressed, and they will be expressed by "acting out" or "acting in." The exercise of writing for three to five minutes at the end of the day or week, without stopping to make corrections and without worrying about grammar or who is listening, is an act of liberation, freeing us from that little voice in our heads that sings, "You're no good, you're no good, you're no good, Baby, you're no good." Not only is writing relaxing, writing is also a learning experience, providing self-knowledge and helping us understand who we are.

 

Self-discovery means getting acquainted with ourselves, understanding our fears, fantasies and moral values, and accepting ourselves. This builds emotional competence. We are a combination of many influences and sometimes it is difficult to know who we are, given the stresses we face day to day. Unlike speaking, writing provides opportunities for exploring emotions without having someone witness the process. It offers opportunities for self-knowledge and provides tools to see where we are and where we want to be. Just write and see.

There's a time to shake cobwebs and a time to empathize.

I watch while a loved one sinks deeper into isolation and negativity because of past and present hostilities buried in “unforgiveness.” I miss talking and sharing events in our lives, and sometimes, I want to shake the cobwebs loose, knock on her forehead and ask, “Is anybody home, anymore?” But there is a time to shake cobwebs and a time to empathize.

  I have decided to live and let live but more important, try to empathize. What else is there to do when someone blames others while refusing to accept any personal responsibility, including being in the wrong place at the wrong time? Normally, I’d try to intervene, but I have learned that listening and finding empathy is best. Empathy is not easy to accomplish, but it’s the best beginning place that I know.

  There are always two sides to every story, but empathy only involves listening and trying to understand the story being told or the motives of the person telling it in “real time.” This is not a time to offer advice; it’s a time to step into the heart and soul of someone else, “walk a mile in [their] shoes,” and try to experience what they feel.

 

  As a professor of mine once said, “The problem with advice is someone might take it" (G. Nkondo). Stepping in to offer assistance and advice without a warrant is risky business. It’s much easier to listen and try to empathize. Regarding my loved one, the matter is resolved. After much thought, I have decided to keep quiet and keep trying to walk that mile toward empathy.

Workplace Bullying is a silent epidemic BUT it can be stopped!

Workplace Bullying is a silent epidemic that is expressed in many different ways, but one thing is certain; it involves a toxic, negative, or psychologically abusive relationship between persons of unequal status. The most reliable way to recognize a bully is by noticing how you feel when you're around someone because all too often, the bullying is very subtle, but the feelings created are quite real because they are strategically focused on diminishing a target's self-esteem.

A "target" is the name used to identify a person who is singled out for harassment, bullying, ostracism, or mistreatment designed to destroy self esteem. The primary tactics used by a bully are isolation and undermining self confidence. By undermining someones credentials and credibility, the bully creates feelings of worthlessness which causes other co-workers to disassociate themselves from the targeted individual, leaving the targeted individual alone and vulnerable to even more abuse. Usually, the abuse also involves including others in the act of victimization. Whether the targeted individual did something to offend the perpetrator or whether the targeted individual displayed a weakness in character that the bully is able to exploit makes little difference. Bullying is a secret form of harassment that has devastating consequences. It is a targeted power-play involving someone seen as powerful against someone weaker.

If you feel bullied, take a look at what you might be doing to create the antagonistic feelings directed against you. If possible, offer an apology. Sometimes this ends the harassment, but all too often, the bully feels threatened or undermined due to personal insecurities and undermining someone less powerful boosts their sense of control. Such bullies are experienced and adept at hiding their insecurities and blaming their victims, causing others to rally support. Also, to gain support from others, they are masters at spreading rumors and co-opting others for assistance, making sure the target has nowhere to turn and no one to confide in.

The best defense against workplace bullying is a good offense, which includes strong self-esteem, assertiveness when dealing with coworkers, and a network of support within the organization as well as outside of the workplace. Finding a mentor very early on is crucial, whether male or female. Just make sure the mentor you seek has your interests in mind. Also, keep up-to-date records of each occurrence of bullying. As you face situations in which you feel bullied, write them down, and only express feelings or share evidence with one or two persons you know you can trust.

Bullying has become an epidemic, but it is usually unrecognized by supervisors and business managers. It is a crime against humanity that has no legal ramifications in most states, but it has serious consequences--job loss, unhappiness, illness, and even suicide. Much attention is paid to victimization in schools but very little is being done to address workplace harassment and bullying, which is just as lethal. We all should become more aware of workplace bullying, but until we all learn to recognize the symptoms of bullying and feel confident enough to report it, bullying will remain a private, individualized matter. 

If you feel targeted for harassment and bullying, you must begin to build a case that can be reported to higher supervisors or managers. It is up to you to advocate for yourself, educate yourself, and take steps to join organizations and surround yourself with a network of people who can support you and serve as character witnesses in case you wish to confront a bully through the legal system. Never confront a bully or one of its constituents on your own. Take the issue up with superiors and go as far as you need to go, but be ready to provide names, dates, situations, feelings and outcomes in your defense. Keep all evidence in a safe place until it can be used, and expect a battle. But it is a battle that can be won.

Workplace bullying is a silent epidemic that is expressed in many different ways, but one thing is certain; you can stop workplace bullying directed at you or if not personally bullied, you can opt out of participating in offensive behavior against targets of bullying. Whether the bullying is perpetrated by a coworker or supervisor, if bullying cannot be avoided in the first place, it still can be stopped. It's your right to be respected, not victimized, but keep in mind, the best defense is a good, emotionally competent and assertive offense.