5 Must-have's for Inner Beauty

Five Must--Have's for Inner Beauty

My mother, my spiritual leaders, my teachers, and many public officials have taught me what is important in life, and it all comes down to how we manage our emotions and how we make others feel when they are around us. All in due time, education, intelligence, accomplishments, wealth, and worldly possessions are soon forgotten.  What people really remember is our inner beauty or how we made them feel. So as I work toward becoming my ideal self, I always try to remember what my mother used to say, "Pretty is as pretty does." 

Based on what I know, there are five essential components of inner beauty:

Integrity -Having personal honesty and values that reflect an accepted standard of right and wrong. It is  based on being true to oneself and being complete and undivided in morals, beliefs, or artistic values. It involves always making the decision to do what's right, not what's expedient or what's traditionally expected. It takes inner strength to consistently choose to do what's right under the circumstances without violating our beliefs, but integrity is what keeps us grounded.  A Rudyard Kipling poem  describes it best:  "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you," you have integrity.

Empathy -Understanding feelings and emotions of another person and being able to share their experiences on an emotional level. It is not the same as compassion or sympathy, but it is closely related. Empathy requires listening and being present in the moment so as to really "get" the emotions behind the words that are being said without making judgments. It is an ability to "be" someone else for a particular moment in time in order to know and appreciate what and how they feel.

Dignity -Relating to others in a way that indicates self-respect and self-management worthy of honor or respect from others.  Dignity relates to how we manage our emotions, how we relate to others, and how we respond to what happens around us. It includes a sense of well-being, regard for others, and self-respect worthy of being admired and emulated.

Charity- Sharing personal wealth by giving to others. It can involve donating time or expertise through volunteerism; offering donations of money or food; tutoring, teaching, or offering other help to people in need. Charity is not simply a tax deduction; it's a state of mind that reflects a strong desire to make a difference in the world. Oprah said it, but I first heard it from the former congressman, Rev. Floyd H. Flake, Queens, NY:  "To whom much is given, much is required."

Community- Joining a group of people who share interests, religion, race, purpose, etc. A community is a supportive group that includes people who have similar interests, religion, or race; who share a similar purpose or sense of charity; or who offer support. While social media sites like Facebook are also called communities, a true "community" is smaller and more personal than a list of FB friends. It is also more supportive.  From a community of supporters, one might  find a mentor or someone who can offer emotional support. One might find a business partner or just have a safe place to go when feeling alone.  Communities remind us, we are not alone. They give us purpose, help us set goals, and help us thrive.

This list of must-have's could be longer, but these five must-have's are the essence of inner beauty. Inner beauty is something that comes natural with some effort and with a little support from family or friends. 
(c) M.D.Johnson (2015)

Being "in love" is a conglomeration of emotions, but does "True Love" bring more happiness?.

Love is an abstract term used to serve many purposes, but it is not easily defined. Not only that, it means different things to different people. At some point in our lives, we all try to define the feelings we have when we care deeply for someone, but can such feelings be contained in only one word?

Because there are so many different types of love and so many emotions associated with being "in love," I'll focus on the feelings associated with being "in love." When I imagine or remember what's been said about being "in love," happiness is not the first thing that comes to mind. Instead, emotions like the following have been associated with being "in love":

• affection
• longing
• belonging
• owning
• chemistry
• synergy
• physicality
• intensity
• bliss 
• possessiveness
• fearfulness
• clinginess
• neediness
• insecurity
• jealousy
• loyalty
• completion 
• hopefulness 

Being in love is an exciting experience, but for some, it is associated with angst and emotional distress due to  unpredictability, volatility, or fear of infidelity. Being "in love" sometimes seems beyond our control, but we easily succumb to our positive feelings.

 Except for the intense positive emotions, very few of us would opt to be "in love," especially if the love is one-sided or lacks mutual shows of affection or respect. Being "in love" is an important stage of life, but just as life is not always evenly balanced and happy, being "in love" is often surprising and unpredictable, sometimes going from blissful to disappointing in a matter of hours.

 People "in love" don't always give and take in equal proportion, and someone usually loves more intensely, but lack of equilibrium is an aspect of being "in love," and the unpredictable nature of being "in love" is part of the excitement that makes it memorable. Being "in love" happens, and sometimes it lasts forever, but usually, it is quick to ignite, short-lived and fleeting, and it can leave us with precious or not so precious memories.

True love is different. It might not be as intense, and it might not be so emotionally engaging, but it offers some level of comfort because it appeals to basic needs and awakens our higher spiritual nature. Humanist psychologist, Abraham Maslow, identified a Hierarchy of basic and spiritual needs that include: need for nourishment, safety, love and belonging; need for self-esteem and respect from others; need for self-actualization and connection to a spiritual higher purpose. True love takes us beyond the narrow focus associated with being "in love."

Love is not easy to define and our attraction to being "in love" is not easily explained, but each type of love has something positive to offer, and it's always better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. We simply need to remember that nothing is permanent, and as our basic needs are met, spiritual needs will surface, and as we become more self-actualized, more focused on our higher purpose in life, we grow into sharing true love.

Love comes in stages and serves a purpose, but over time the type of love will change so as to accommodate a lifestyle or a spiritual need. Whether feeling true love or feeling "in love," we a build a reserve of positive memories, memories to last a lifetime.  Such memories allow us to create positive emotions despite our circumstances, and positive thinking is key to happiness.

Do you sometimes wonder if some behaviors might be genetic?

Are you prone to high levels of stress or aggressive behaviors? Have you noticed similar passive-aggressive traits among your family members? Do you know family members who can't get along because their personalities are so similar? Psychologist, Daniel Goleman (1986), discusses the important influences of heredity on different personality traits. Other research supports Goleman's claim. According to NPA Personality Theory, more than 50% of our personality traits are inherited. However, despite genetic influences, most personality deficits can be targeted and effectively managed.

The following is excerpted from a New York Times article written by Daniel Goleman : "MAJOR PERSONALITY STUDY FINDS THAT TRAITS ARE MOSTLY INHERITED," published: December 2, 1986.

• "The genetic makeup of a child is a stronger influence on personality than child rearing, according to the first study to examine identical twins reared in different families. The findings shatter a widespread belief among experts and laymen alike in the primacy of family influence and are sure to engender fierce debate."

Scientific theories are subject to endless debate until such theories are proved or disproved. Yet, the personality study mentioned above allows us to consider the influence of genetics in determining our psychological make-up and this provides us the opportunity to accept our strengths and weaknesses and adapt new forms of behavior without condemning ourselves.