Cherish the Good Times and "Happy Holidays!"

          My brother didn’t know, but he helped to raise a Vulcan, a tiny shemale who had no sense of self nor well-being, nor any ego to speak of, just a drive toward perfection, the only reason she was born human in the first place. I often try but fail to imagine what life would be without him. He told me stories and taught me most of the holiday songs I know. His sense of imagination made the world seem bigger and more beautiful, especially at Christmas time.

I grew up in a house, a house that could have been anywhere in the world. It was surrounded by vegetation—fruit trees, a pecan tree, rose bushes, honeysuckle, and all types of flowers growing wild along the fence or planted in flower beds. In the middle of the yard was a concrete fish pond filled with bobble-headed goldfish. It was a large, nine-room house that we could run around and around without stopping. It had been built especially for the developer and his family, and when my father took us to see it for the first time, he was brimming with pride. My father was proud and strong, worked two jobs to keep us well-dressed and fed. Sometimes, we huddled in the big arm chair long past bedtime until he arrived from his second job,white flour sprinkled on the toes of his boots and wearing the biggest smile in the entire world. Opening the door and seeing our faces, no matter how tired he might have been, he always smiled and said, “How’re my kiddies.” Then he'd sit in the big armchair, sit the four of us on his lap while the little ones slept, and sing us a song.

Christmas was a big deal at our house. My mother played Christmas music and watched us decorate the tree. She baked pound cakes, apple pies, pecan pies, and the best sweet potato pie in the world. She was so happy being a wife and mother of six children, and we were proud members of her tribe. The two eldest took turns reading, ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas before we were shushed and sent to bed. It wasn’t easy falling asleep, but we believed Santa would be delighted to discover cookies and eggnog waiting as he delivered the toys we had prayed and begged for.

The next morning, we were probably the happiest children in the world, covering our mouths to hold back the squeals after seeing so many toys piled around the tree, whispering while our parents slept and waiting until their bedroom door creaked open. It was a beautiful sight, the house warmed, Christmas lights glistening, the oak wood floors shining, and the smell of pine everywhere. On the dining table was a gigantic bowl of fruit, which we could eat after breakfast. At Christmas time, we were allowed to each as many oranges, apples, gum drops and candy canes as we wished, but not before breakfast, so by the time breakfast was served, we were ravenous. Our father was a professional chef, but he couldn’t out-do my mother’s country cooking. Still, it was nice to taste his cooking on this special day.

After breakfast, dishes were washed while mom and dad sat around the tree and whispered. Then the music began and one by one, names were called to claim what Santa had left. It was an all-day affair and clearly the best day of the year. Afterwards, we built doll houses, adjusted skates, painted model cars, and hummed Christmas carols under the watchful eyes of my parents and big brother. I didn’t know much at the time, except this was the happiest day of the year. So to all of you, cherish the good times and Happy Holidays!

December is good for emotional health.

The holiday season is a time to be joyful, but given our different circumstances, this might seem impossible for some of us. It's not easy watching neighbors put up holiday decorations that we cannot afford, not easy watching friends, family and neighbors stepping out to enjoy an evening stroll through streets adorned with lighted trees and window decorations, and certainly not easy knowing we will have to work on the very day other families are laughing, opening presents, and enjoying the best of both--extra time and extra money. Yet, despite the lack of finances and the blues that we sometimes feel during the Christmas holiday season, studies show that we remain hopeful, inspired, and less prone to negative thinking than during other times of the year. It seems December is good for our emotional health.

Past studies have supported what the CDC calls a "myth," when it comes to increased suicide rates during the holiday season. According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), suicides decrease in December. The "CDC’s National Center for Health Statistics reports that the suicide rate is, in fact, the lowest in December. The rate peaks in the spring and the fall."

Recent studies dispel the myth that the suicide rate increases during the holiday season. Suicides are committed during the holiday season, but people who commit suicide do so for a variety of reasons. With 36,000 people taking their own lives every year, suicide remains the 10th leading cause of death for all Americans. According to the Centers for Disease Control, 374,000 individuals are treated for self-inflicted wounds every year. With this in mind, the CDC is studying ways to "protect" people from suicide, but there are simple things that we all can do.

Because December is a time for giving and thinking of others, it only makes sense that suicides are decreased during this month. Doing for others naturally boosts our happiness quotient. For friends and family showing signs of depression or sadness during this holiday season, there is something we can do. We can help someone create their own happiness, and as we lift their spirits, we lift our own. We are able to offer gifts to others and to ourselves all at the same time. Simple activities that spread happiness include:

• Invite friends, family or neighbors to a family or community event. 
• Send holiday greeting cards via snail mail. 
• Volunteer and invite someone to join in.
• Deliver canned goods to a food bank or community shelter.
• Smile and say, "Happy Holidays"!

These simple gestures of good will can make all the difference between someone experiencing sadness or happiness during the holiday season. December is especially good for the emotional health of self and others.
(Excerpts from http://www.cdc.gov-"Holiday Suicides: Fact or Myth"). 

7 Aspects of Conversation at Holiday Parties

Are you invited to a holiday office party and fear your awkwardness will be revealed? Do you sometimes wonder what to say to colleagues, co-workers, and lesser-knowns at a festive gathering? Take comfort in knowing that you are not alone, but the more relaxed you are without being drunk or drugged, the less awkward you'll feel. Think positive, plan to enjoy yourself but always remember you are not alone. People watching is always an aspect of holiday gatherings, and when it comes to knowing how to behave, moderation is the key to success.

I don't remember where I borrowed the helpful hints, but I've listed them below.

7 Aspects of holiday conversation

1.Don’t drink before you arrive.

2. Wear something you feel comfortable in.

3. Walk in like you’re appreciated and expected.

4. Observe who’s doing what.

5. Get started by casually greeting a few people.

6. If you feel thirsty, get something to drink.

7. Mingle and start a conversation according to the following:

·        Mention something about the area or environment.

·        Introduce yourself and offer something about you.

·        Mention a trending topic.

·        If it’s not familiar to someone, think of another topic.

·        Pay attention to what’s happening in the room but   mostly listen and pay attention to the conversation.

·        Expand upon the topic of interest. Keep it short.

·        Before moving away, provide some forewarning by highlighting something that was said and by    establishing a future contact.

Parties are designed for celebration, and they're supposed to

be fun, but it's always a good idea to be on your best behavior

no matter how comfortable you feel. Respect everyone, not

just those who seem important. You never know who's 

listening and you never know whom you might be talking to. 

Other than that, eat, drink and be merry at your party, and 

always practice moderation.

Stuff happens. Don't let a setback devastate you.

When working to achieve goals, we are often told to expect the best but plan for the worst. That way, when we experience a setback, we are not devastated. But setbacks happen. According to the free online dictionary, a setback is "an unfortunate happening that hinders or impedes; something that is thwarting or frustrating." Setbacks can be hazardous to our health and unless we can quickly rebound from them, they have the ability to sabotage our progress and cause us to give up.

 

Setbacks create negative feelings and lead to negative self-assessments, and if negative thoughts or feelings of frustration are not acknowledged and managed, setbacks can diminish self-esteem and lead to feelings of hopelessness. When faced with a setback or when feeling extremely discouraged, the best thing to do is reconnect with the emotion that caused the setback. Find a quiet place where you can examine your feelings with no interruptions. Search for the specific emotion that caused the setback and name it--sadness, anger, embarrassment, etc. After the emotion is targeted and named, reenact the situation that caused it and allow yourself to experience the emotion fully, even if it leads to tears. If unable to discover the emotion, free-write about what happened and how the situation is affecting you. Write for three to five minutes without focusing on correct grammar, spelling, or writing skills. As you write, the emotion should be uncovered. 

 

After discovering and experiencing the emotion that caused your setback, find ways to replace it with a more positive emotion, keeping in mind the following:

• There is usually a lesson to be learned from a setback.

• A negative experience is seven times stronger than a positive one, so replace the negative emotion with three positive ones.

• List three of your most positive achievements.

• List three of your most valuable or desirable assets.

• Don't overdo it. If at first you don't succeed, try again tomorrow.

• Separate yourself from the setback because you are not your setback. 

• Remember, stuff happens

   

If all else fails, try connecting to a most positive moment in your life. Connect to a positive experience in the past and recall the way this positive moment made you feel. Stay connected to this positive feeling until you are able to move beyond the negative situation that caused the setback. Also, try being your own best friend. What might you say to your very best friend who was experiencing a major setback? If all else fails, find inspiration in great music!

Setbacks should be expected, but setback are hazardous to your health only if you allow it. There are many strategies that can be used to combat negative emotions related to a setback, but it's important to keep in mind, "To err, is human" and as the song goes, "that's life." http://youtu.be/90wUItXn62s

On Veteran's Day, the least I can do is smile and say, "Thank you, for serving our country."

Veteran's Day is today and many of us have lost veterans, but Veteran's Day is not a day to mourn. It's a day to celebrate those who served our country. On Veteran's Day, cities all over the world offer public ceremonies in honor of our veterans. Sitting through one of these events helps us appreciate the sacrifices our veterans made and continue to make for our country. If you wish to know more about Veteran's Day activities in your city, contact your local Chamber of Commerce or just do a quick search on the Internet. Your attendance is never required at one of these events, but if you attend once, you'll do it again and again.


I attended my first Veteran's Day ceremony just two years ago and still wonder why I didn't attend such an event much earlier. I have a brother who is a veteran, a nephew who is a veteran, my father was a veteran, most of my uncles were veterans, and I lost a brother in the military two months after his 21st birthday. He was a Vietnam veteran. As for me,  I signed up to serve in the Air Force, but when I was informed I needed to legally transfer custody of my two children, I walked out of the recruiter's office without signing on the dotted line. I often dream of the opportunity I lost, but I have volunteered for Americorps, the national corporation of community service, and I volunteer to assist with community events whenever possible.

If our veterans can give their lives for this country, suffer emotional and physical disabilities that last a lifetime, sacrifice family, and endure unimaginable hardships for the sake of this country and the world, the least I can do is honor them on this special day. If I can attend a Veteran's Day ceremony, I will, but the least I can do is smile and say, "Hello. Thank you for serving our country."

History of Veterans Day

World War I – known at the time as “The Great War” - officially ended when the Treaty of Versailles was signed on June 28, 1919, in the Palace of Versailles outside the town of Versailles, France. However, fighting ceased seven months earlier when an armistice, or temporary cessation of hostilities, between the Allied nations and Germany went into effect on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month. For that reason, November 11, 1918, is generally regarded as the end of “the war to end all wars.”

Soldiers of the 353rd Infantry near a church at Stenay, Meuse in France, wait for the end of hostilities. This photo was taken at 10:58 a.m., on November 11, 1918, two minutes before the armistice ending World War I went into effect

In November 1919, President Wilson proclaimed November 11 as the first commemoration of Armistice Day with the following words: "To us in America, the reflections of Armistice Day will be filled with solemn pride in the heroism of those who died in the country’s service and with gratitude for the victory, both because of the thing from which it has freed us and because of the opportunity it has given America to show her sympathy with peace and justice in the councils of the nations…"

The information above was retrieved from http://www.va.gov. Consult the website to read the article in its entirety. http://www.va.gov/opa/vetsday/vetdayhistory.asp

7 Ways to Stop Negative Self-talk and Live Yourself a Life!

7 Ways to Stop Negative Self-talk and Live Yourself a Life!

Each day we are bombarded with information that creates fear and uncertainty. Each day, we face and overcome negative experiences that lead to negative self-talk which serves to diminish self-esteem and fuel emotional disorders like depression. Living day to day can be difficult when we seem to have so little control over what happens to us. But it is possible to protect our emotional system and stop negative self-talk that threatens our quality of life, even before it begins.

If we could live in the moment, paying attention to the little things, our lives would be happy and organized. With a few rules, daily practice, and a sense of forgiveness, we can achieve happiness and live a purposeful life. Seven practices for living a purposeful life include:

1. Fulfill basic needs.

We are born with basic needs that must be fulfilled, but we also have wants. Infomercials, advertisements, and commercials keep us wishing and working for more than we need. Keeping up with others is never easy, but this is something we can control. Decide what you need and fulfill those needs. The rest is unnecessary. Excessive lifestyles do not guarantee happiness, and in many instances, extravagant living destroys happiness. Establish a boundary between what you want and what you need.

2. Get organized.

Keeping everything in its place keeps your mind free to solve problems or to be more creative. Nothing spoils creativity or destroys peace of mind like unfinished business. Clutter reminds you of unfinished business. Take time to organize your belongings and schedule activities for the day.

3. Complete one thing at a time.

Make housework a form of meditation and breathe life into whatever you touch.  Schedule chores like you schedule your work day, and complete first things first, one step at a time. Each day, plan to complete only one chore but no more than two.

4. Live one day at a time.

Tomorrow is not promised, so live your best life today. Complete chores and daily activities with a sense of mindfulness, paying attention to details such as color, texture, sounds, smells, and taste. Walk through the world like you belong exactly where you are at any given moment in time, and know that you have a reason for being here on this day.

5. Smile and acknowledge others.

The shortest distance between two people is a smile, something which is meant to give away. Smiling at others causes them to spontaneously smile at you. Your smile can only be observed by others or by looking into a mirror, and who has a mirror to spare? Smiling serves a purpose that has nothing to do with you.

6. Take time to reflect and connect with your emotions. 

People who stifle their feelings get stuffed up. Sit, reflect on your experiences during the day, and express your emotions. All

experiences can become learning opportunities if you look hard enough. Write about experiences and how they made you feel. Stay in touch with your emotions through reflecting and writing.

 

7. Find gratitude and forgive your mistakes.

Find someone you can talk to during the day or at the end of each day, even if it’s your diary or writing journal. Express yourself, tap into your emotions, and find something to be grateful for at the end of each day.

You are human, so mistakes will happen, but at the end of each day, remember to forgive your mistakes. 
                                       - Emme H. Johnson

                                              

The Best Mentoring Relationships Require Reciprocity

Sometimes, it takes more than courage to accomplish a goal because achievement often depends on the help of others. In this case, it’s important to find a mentor or someone who knows more than you do about the subject matter but also one who has accomplished enough to want to help you become the best you can be. Such people are rare, so it takes research and effort to find them and to request their help. It also is important to know what you have to offer in order to build a mentoring relationship based on reciprocity.

Mentoring is not charity; it's a relationship built on mutual trust and personal gain for both parties. When researching and identifying possible mentors, it's important to have a good sense of who you are, what exactly you need from this mentor, and what you have to give. Most mentors volunteer their services, but they expect spiritual or emotional rewards that come with helping someone who is worthy of their commitment and who sincerely respects their time and effort. For example, the other day, my sister sat down to talk with a public official in her town to identify a possible mentor. During their conversation, my sister learned they shared a common interest--health and healthy food choices. The public official became very enthusiastic about mentoring my sister because she wanted to learn more about organic foods, and my sister needed support in a few professional endeavors. The relationship is now based on a sense of reciprocity (mutual or cooperative interchange of favors or privileges).

The trick to finding help when you need it lies not in knowing who can help but knowing what you also have to offer, even if it’s a hobby, friendship, office assistance or simple respect for the mentor. Whether you know it or not, most everyone has something of value to share—even if it’s just information on how to change a flat tire. It's important to enter any relationship knowing that you have value and you are also willing to share your value, even if it means offering help to a third party because someone helped you. The best mentoring relationships are reciprocal. Knowing and offering what you have strengthens that relationship.

10 Questions: Closing the gap between who you are and what you want

10 Questions: Is there a discrepancy between who you are and what you want?

Before all else, when it comes to accomplishing goals, you need to know who you are and you need to anticipate what obstacles you might face. To everything, there is a season but when it comes to accomplishing goals, we always like to say, there is no time like the present, but sometimes, the present moment is actually not the best time, so we have to wait. Every circumstance is different. No one-size-fits all.

Once you do a bit of soul-searching, you are well on our way to accomplishing life-changing goals. Before making plans, make sure this is the best time for you and your family. That way, your best efforts will not be sabotaged, and you will not become discouraged before you ever begin. When it comes to making plans to accomplish an important goal, you might begin with a list of steps such as the following:

1. Determine who you are and what you want to accomplish.

2. Determine what challenges you might face—people, places or things.

3. Determine and make a list of your strengths.

4. Identify and make a list of your weaknesses.

5. Determine and list ways to reinforce each of your weaknesses.

6. Identify key people who might help in your success.

7. Identify best places to find a mentor and find one who complements you.

8. Set short term and long term goals.

9. Create a daily schedule and follow it.

10. Celebrate the little accomplishments.

 

Part II--Millions of stories. This one is mine.

Had I known I was not alone, I might have stayed in New York City,  the place where it happened, talking it out among neighbors, co-workers and friends and relying on a community of support. I would have allowed my emotions to surface and be expressed. Temporarily moving out of state, I didn’t think anyone shared my reality, though people throughout the nation were mourning, too. Because my emotions remained unexpressed, my negative thoughts became incessant and my level of anxiety increased. Untreated PTSD can lead to depression. 

While not every sufferer of PTSD will develop depression, these two emotional illnesses tend to be linked, and many of the symptoms are similar. Only about 40 percent of those who suffer PTSD develop symptoms of depression, but when symptoms of depression begin to surface, less than 40 percent of those suffering symptoms of major depression ever seek help. Of those suffering milder forms of depression, less than 30 percent seek treatment. Depression is considered an invisible illness. Unless the symptoms of depression are known, this emotional disorder is nearly impossible to detect, and the longer it remains untreated, the greater the suicide risk.

After 9/ll, I began to experience anxiety and incessant negative thoughts. Each day, I awoke to stress, anxiety, sadness, and feelings of hopelessness.  Whenever the tragic event was mentioned, I cried. I remember one day I was window shopping in an upscale neighborhood in Great Neck, Long Island. I couldn't afford what the mannequins wore so I began to cry and abruptly left the store because I couldn't stop the crying. I was aware I was still grieving for the ones we lost on 9/ll and assumed my sporadic crying for months would disappear. But incessant crying or negative thinking is not normal. When negative thinking and sadness lasts for two weeks or more , some level of depression is usually the underlying cause.

After visiting a physician, I was prescribed mild medication for symptoms of stress, but my symptoms were more serious than that. I had been experiencing sadness and incessant negative thoughts for weeks when, approximately one year after 9/11, a coworker committed suicide, and instead of feeling overwhelmed, I found emotional strength—just enough to start writing about how to survive a tragedy. I grew up in a family of ten children raised by a single mother who taught us how to survive. I wrote on behalf of two friends—one who was recently incarcerated for killing her son and another who had killed himself. I began writing about survival—having the willpower to survive just one day at a time because if I knew anything at all since childhood, it was how to make a way out of no way and how to survive. 

I am still writing, and the recently completed book highlights what it takes to survive trauma and negative thoughts that follow emotional trauma. From research and personal experience, I can say that PTSD and depression are emotional disorders that can be effectively treated with or without a mental health professional and without medication but not without recognizing the symptoms, targeting negative thoughts, and expressing emotions through writing and "talk therapy." Whether through mental health professionals or self-help strategies, PTSD and depression require some type of intervention.Since some people will never see a mental health professional because they fear being stigmatized or fear the implications of being diagnosed as having an emotional illness, alternative forms of treatment using self-help solutions are important. 

Among medical or mental health professionals, there is no stigma in seeking treatment for an emotional disorder, but within social  or community circles, the emotional illness is still misunderstood. When it comes to seeking professional medical help, there are questions about privacy and whether medical records will cause sufferers of PTSD or depression to be portrayed unfavorably by insurance carriers and human resources departments. Because the majority of those who suffer depression do not seek treatment, self-help alternatives are important.There are many approaches to treating an emotional disorder, including self-help therapy, so fear of stigma is no longer an excuse for not finding alternative ways to treat emotional disorders.Knowing the symptoms is the first step to discovering and treating PTSD and depression.

The book I am writing is only for those who would otherwise disregard treatment and who are willing to do what it takes to conquer PTSD or depression on their own.This book is based on personal experience and case studies, research on depression and emotional disorders, and research on the latest  practices in the fields of brain research and self-help strategies.  It emphasizes best practices, education regarding symptoms,  hard work and persistence. Its purpose is to share information about PTSD and depression and to offer activities that promote positive thinking.

The book is not a substitute for treatment by a licensed mental health professional, nor is it intended to be. Its focus is on those who suffer minor forms of PTSD and depression. For more serious symptoms, an official diagnosis and treatment by a licensed mental health professional are recommended. The  purpose of this book is to provide information regarding invisible illnesses and to offer hope to sufferers who would otherwise fail to seek treatment. You will be notified when the book is completed so stay tuned.

Note:  If you have a brief story to share about PTSD or depression (anonymously or not), I am seeking a few contributions for inclusion in the book. If you are interested, please submit via this website or leave a message. The stories you provide will be used to raise public awareness. PTSD and depression affect people differently, and the stories you share will highlight different aspects of the symptoms. Proceeds from the book will be used to promote activities that raise public awareness of emotional disorders. Thank you for reading my story, and thank you for sharing yours.  

Millions of stories. This one is mine.

My Story of Emotional Trauma  
by M.H.Johnson

It was a beautiful September morning to be off from work. I was watching CNN. Suddenly, I saw a plane crashing into our cherished twin towers. It was surreal. At first, I thought it was some kind of simulation, but when another plane hit the second tower, I realized we were being attacked. First one, and then the other building burst into flames. I saw the fire blazing and someone jumping to an early death, and for a moment or two I froze, probably like everyone else. 

I felt many emotions swirling within but couldn’t name them, couldn’t stop them, and couldn’t help feeling personally violated by strangers. I could hear my neighbors talking, but couldn't pull myself away from the tragic scene. All day I could hear people coming and going, chattering loudly, but since I was baby sitting  a two-year old, I stayed inside as we were all asked to do.

As evening approached, I remembered the conversation I had that morning with my daughter who said she was going to work. That morning, she would have  traveled on the PATH from the Jersey Cit terminal, transferred at the World Trade Center at about 8:30, and boarded a subway train to reach the upper east side by 9, so I thought she had escaped the horror of it all. But it was 8:30 that night before I realized my daughter had not arrived at my apartment in Queens to pick up her baby boy who had been staying with me for a week while she recovered from an illness. I had phoned her that morning, and she had assured me she felt well enough to return to work. After work, she was within walking distance of a subway station where she could pick up the #7 subway train heading into Flushing, Queens. 

It was total chaos--like the end of the world or something just as terrifying. With no telephone communication, no one was certain of anything, so there was no way to know whether my daughter was caught in the wreckage or not. All I could think of was our early morning conversation and her last words, saying she’d be going to work and picking up her son at around 5 pm. It was 8:30 pm, so I wondered why my daughter  wasn't at my apartment by now? 

Since I couldn't phone my daughter, I decided to try and find her,  against warnings that everyone should stay off the roads. I didn't listen because I couldn't listen. I decided I should be able to find a way out of Queens and even out of New York City. Despite the fact that CNN communicated information that all bridges heading out of New York were closed, I remembered what my mother used to say: "Where there’s a will, there’s a way."

 I grabbed the baby boy and his diaper bag, pushed his stroller along the sidewalk until I located my car parked two blocks away, buckled him in, and started the drive, stopping only at the  7-11 store for milk and gasoline before winding my  way uptown through the streets of Queens, New York. 

All I could see was emergency vehicles, blocks and blocks of blockades and police officers coaxing people along and into their apartments. I asked directions for  finding the best way out, explaining my situation, but they only asked me to return home, assuring me that no one would know anything until much later and if people stayed off the streets, the chaos would end much sooner.

Using back roads that led to the Whitestone Bridge, I found a way out of New York and into Jersey City where I found my daughter safe in her apartment. She had not felt well enough to return to work after all. We exchanged hugs, and she apologized that she hadn’t called and said she just took her medicine and went to sleep. I was relieved and thankful my daughter had followed her instincts, which had always been good, but I couldn’t overcome feelings of sadness and negativity about the attacks and the thousands of lives that were lost. I cried for six months. I had assumed I needed to be outside of New York so I temporarily relocated for a few months. 

 Had I but known the symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic-stress-disorder), I would have known the high level of anxiety, anger, confusion, and sadness I felt were reactions to the trauma I had experienced, and that I was not alone. Others throughout the nation felt the same way, but while many were able to express their feelings of grief and sadness through conversations with others in their neighborhoods, I left the scene of the accident to grieve on my own. That was probably my biggest mistake.

 (to be continued)...

Racism is America's favorite pasttime, next to baseball.

“Surviving a day of racism in America”

                                        - M.H. Johnson

Surviving a day of racism in America takes more than turning a blind eye to absent or negative images of “minority” cultures presented in the media. Also, it takes more than having a good job. For many Americans, survival in this lifetime involves coping with racism and ignoring or managing acts of discrimination on a daily basis. But the effects of discrimination are cumulative, and over a period of time, they take a toll, affecting the quality of life in an entire society.

Studies have shown that racism destroys physical and mental health, family connections, and longevity, yet all over the world, it is a staple, consumed on a daily basis. Studies indicate only about ten percent of the population are willing to admit conscious or unconscious racism, and those who adamantly deny their racist tendencies are the most likely to practice it behind closed doors, knowingly or unknowingly.

Next to baseball, racism is America’s favorite pastime. Despite confessions of conscious or unconscious stereotyping and discrimination, and regardless of the problems it creates, far too many are so caught up in a destructive cycle of inhumanity to man and womankind. Racism is also not limited to the U.S.A., but in America, possibility exists, and working together in unity, we can win this game of diminishing returns.

While racial discrimination happens across race, gender and ethnicity, it is predominately perpetrated by whites against “minorities.” Other countries also follow discriminatory practices,but America is supposed to be different. There are laws that offer equal protection and equal rights, but racial discrimination and inequality persist, leading to greater personal dissatisfaction, increased unemployment, high rates of emotional and mental illness, high rates of crime and incarceration, poor quality of life, and shorter life spans. Not only does racism affect individuals and families but also, it affects our society as a whole.

Racism can be detected everywhere in American society and it affects everyone--those who discriminate and those discriminated against. It can be subtle, beginning with images and portrayals of different ethnic groups in the media or blatant, creating fears of being randomly targeted, incarcerated, or even killed for “driving [or simply walking] while black” or Latino. The recent killing of Trayvon Martin by George Zimmerman is an all too recent reminder that injustice based on racial discrimination and stereotyping is real.

In the article, “No, You’re Not Imagining It,” Dr. David R. Williams explains how “unconscious bias is literally killing us” and our economy.  Because of lost productivity, racism in America negatively impacts our economy to the tune of $billons. According to studies by Dr. David R. Williams, "Two health economists and a health policy expert calculated for us what the inequalities are costing the U.S. economy. They came up with an astounding $310 billion a year...."(136).      

 

Along with its economic impact, racial discrimination has cumulative effects which perpetuate a cycle of life choices that negatively impact quality of life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. Stress of coping with racial discrimination and its social impact has led to diminished health and inequities in health care access. Poor health, along with inadequate health care resulting from discriminatory practices, affects quality of life in the workplace and at home. Higher incidences of illness and disease persist in “minority” cultures, leading to inability to maintain employment and support families. What follows is a subculture of crime, increased rates of incarceration, and feelings of hopelessness across generations.

So what’s fueling our racist tendencies and discriminatory practices? Why can’t this crime against entire cultures of people be eliminated once and for all? Studies indicate, America’s racism is a remnant of a colonial system defined by racial stratification. Within that system of racial inequality, social hierarchies were created based on designations of political power, which included the percentage of white blood one was presumed to possess. Within specific guidelines, lines of demarcation were drawn and a system of “divide and conquer” was put into place. Those working in the house were taught to mistrust, despise, and report the shenanigans of those working out in the fields.

America, along with other colonizers, including Great Britain, created empires based on the philosophy of “divide and conquer, creating and offering opportunities to a ruling sub-class, often referred to as “the privileged class,” while leaving others disenfranchised. For political leaders, intentionally creating class distinctions within the same ethnic or cultural sub-group served a specific purpose: animosity within the same ethnic group. This prevented the formation of a unified system of protest and rebellion against those in charge.

Remnants of this animosity between Americans of the same ethnic group exist today, and it’s not just among “minorities.” Those from the dominant culture comfortably discriminate against their own kind based on class and gender while those who are persecuted develop increased hostilities toward ethnic or racial “minorities,” accusing them of taking undue advantage of the political system.  While the social and political practice of “divide and conquer” can be witnessed all over the world, unlike American society, the majority of these societies do not claim to support equal rights.

In America, a certain hypocrisy seems to exist because while we support equal rights, inequality is being fueled on a daily basis. Being discriminated against is a major cause of stress, illness, and shorter life spans. This country has a long way to go when it comes to achieving equality, and it would be to our advantage to do so as soon as possible. Entire neighborhoods in America are becoming virtual war zones, and our prison populations are exploding.

How long can we continue to decimate our culture by depriving “minority” populations of equal rights, economically, socially, and spiritually? Far too many are surviving day to day in a world where only the strong can survive the daily regimen of being administered strong doses of negativity, hostility, and discrimination in a game of diminishing returns. Throughout the years, generations have defied the odds and achieved great things, but there is much to be done. Winning against racism begins with a message that pertains to all of us, across race, gender, and culture: Stop the discriminatory practices, build a strong supportive team, and watch this country thrive.

                                Works Cited

Williams, David R. “No, You’re Not Imagining It.”  ESSENCE, Sept. 2013: 136

Trauma is life-changing, for better or worse.

Lets call her Elaine, once a good friend of mine. After her personal tragedy, she served time behind bars. Before being locked away, she mailed me a packet of information explaining why she killed her son.  He was misbehaving, smarting off, talking back, and spinning out of control, and after all of her efforts, he had failed her. It was not the first time someone had failed her.

She gave her thirteen year-old son everything she could, but he had seen so much negativity that he suffered a nervous breakdown when only nine years old. He had witnessed his mother’s sexual assault, had watched her boyfriend mistreat her, and had learned that his father abandoned his mother on the day he was born. He had been in therapy and for a while was not allowed back into the home that he and his mother shared.

What he knew is, his mother loved him.What he didn’t know is his mother was deeply in debt and suffered depression. She had already lost one home to foreclosure and was facing bankruptcy. The new car she had bought was being used by a boyfriend who often failed to pick her up after work, leaving her and her son walking long distances to get home.

One evening, with a blood alcohol level of .25 and feeling hopeless, she had an argument with her son. When she’d had enough of the disrespect and back-talk, she left the room, made a trip to the secret place where she kept a loaded gun, reentered the room where her son was sitting, and made a bad decision. Calmly, she placed the barrel of the gun against his skull and pulled the trigger.  Then she turned the gun on herself.

When the authorities entered the home, they found a thirteen year old boy bleeding from the head and a distraught mother who had botched the job of killing herself.  The bullet had ricocheted off her forehead and lodged in the ceiling. The son was dead but his mother had survived. Because she had suffered trauma, depression, and childhood sexual abuse, she was not convicted of first-degree murder. Instead, she served time for a lesser crime.

Trauma happens and its effects are often cumulative but when it is suspected, it is important to take action because trauma can lead to emotional disorders which are invisible, like PTSD and depression. Feeling overwhelmed, unable to solve problems, and feeling sad, anxious, or depressed might be the only recognizable signs of an invisible assailant lurking within the emotional system.

After extremely negative or tragic events,  not everyone will become traumatized, but for those who do, trauma is life-changing, for better or worse.The effects of trauma usually surface as PTSD which can lead to depression or which often co-exists with depression. Left untreated, these emotional illnesses can become internalized, only to resurface as acts of violence against self or others. Emotional disorders require some type of treatment or intervention, by a licensed mental health professional or through recognized self-help practices. It's important to know the symptoms but even more important to get help.

 --Emme H. Johnson (excerpt from book in progress)

Guilt and Shame have their place, but do they have value?

Guilt and Shame have their place, but do they have value?   Emme H. Johnson

Guilt and shame are two emotions that involve other people. In other words, they are social emotions that only surface when we interact with others. To some extent, we all have a need to be accepted and emotionally supported by members of a group, and when group approval is jeopardized, we experience feelings of extreme regret. Guilt and shame are two emotions related to feelings of regret. These two emotions can be covert or overt, but if they are not recognized and managed, they can lead to sadness, depression, or self-sabotage.

In his article, “Toward authentic self-esteem” (Psychology Today, May 30, 2013),

Joseph Burgo, Ph.D. explains the difference between 1) guilt and 2) shame. According to Burgo, guilt involves awareness of what we have done to others, whereas shame relates to our improper or dishonorable behavior and how this behavior has made us appear to others. Guilt is based on the realization that someone has been hurt by our actions, whereas shame stems from behavior that is observed, judged, or perceived as judged by others.

We all share basic human needs and according to one humanist psychologist, Abraham Maslow, group affiliation is a human need which must be fulfilled according to a certain hierarchy in which basic needs are met before higher needs appear. Once a higher need appears, it also must be fulfilled. Following physical needs and a need for safety, our need for a sense of belonging, love and acceptance by members of our society or social group(s) begins to surface. When our negative actions hurt others, positive feelings about ourselves are diminished, we fear our acceptance in a community is jeopardized, and we feel guilt or shame. These two social emotions are important in maintaining a sense of community support and morality, but if they are not recognized and managed, they can affect to our emotional well-being.

Although both emotions negatively impact our sense of self-worth, to feel guilt, we must empathize and recognize the affect we had on someone else. Guilt involves being aware of our wrong-doing and disappointed in ourselves because we let someone down. Guilt implies a desire to take responsibility, seek forgiveness or make a change.

However, shame reflects a concern for the way others see us, and it involves feelings of embarrassment to the point of powerlessness because on some level we fear disapproval and rejection by our group with no possibility for changing the situation. People who are unable to face and process this painful emotion might develop feelings of persecution or victimization, which lead to diminished self-esteem. Also, instead of accepting blame, they might blame others for the negative situation, attempting to side-step this emotion altogether, rather than face it.

Guilt and shame are strong emotions that work to guide behavior within societies and social groups. No one is an island, and feeling disappointed by our behavior or fearing rejection by the established group is a strong motivator. Whether emotions of guilt and shame are overt or covert, they are emotions that must be recognized, expressed and managed. If not, they can lead to sadness, depression, or self-sabotage. Feeling accepted strengthens our emotional well-being.

Release the energy caused by pent-up emotions. Write.

Writing is therapeutic, and whether we're facing challenges or not, writing has a way of tapping into emotions we never knew we felt. It happens almost by accident. For example, you might sit down to write a "Dear John/Jane" letter, a love letter, or a letter of complaint and emotions escalate. As you write, more emotions rise to the surface. Rather than suppressing your feelings you should continue the writing and release the energy caused by pent up emotions. As psychologists say, sooner or later, emotions will be expressed, appropriately or inappropriately. Writing is always appropriate because it's private.

Emotions will find a way to be revealed, and as Terrence Real, MSW, explains in his book,  I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, emotions will be expressed either through "acting out" or "acting in." "Acting out" is behavior that can be observed by ourselves and others whereas "acting in" is behavior that remains invisible but can have devastating effects. Men are especially known for acting out, but women do it too. Instead of acting out or self-medicating, a good place to start is with a pen and notepad in your hand (a computer is less private).

I consider myself a writer among other things, but I don't know if I write because I have much to express or if I have so much to express that I write, but writing allows me to reflect, revisit a situation, and analyze it from a different perspective. If I've said too much, no one knows but me, so I can write to my heart's content. Once pent up emotions are expressed, they simply go away!

(to be continued)...

Microexpressions: how we communicate without knowing

 Communication is a two-way street, but somebody’s got to start the process. When two people are speaking at the same time, not listening at the same time, or thinking of a clever response at the same time, communication is non-existent, or so it seems. Unfortunately, no matter what we say or fail to say, our nonverbal language still communicates, even at the level of subtle “microexpressions.” Communication is verbal, but most of it is nonverbal and although we think our negative thoughts and feelings are private, often they are not.

I worked for two bosses within the same department. When I asked the one who hired me about his philosophy on life, he told me, “I always try to say, yes.” He was followed by a new boss who always seemed to say, “No.” Their leadership styles were totally different, but they got things done in their individual ways. Still the office climate told the story.

The first boss got things done by creating a sense of ownership and mutual respect while the second boss got things done by creating a sense of intimidation and exclusion. The first boss seemed to be saying, “I respect what you do and there is something I can learn from you.” The second boss communicated feelings of superiority: “I know everything, just ask me.” If I correctly recall, both bosses communicated based more on what they did than what they said.

We communicate thoughts and feelings in the most subtle ways. Based on studies by Dr. Paul Eckman, a prominent clinical psychologist, Mike Krutza and Jodi Wiff explain that unknowingly, we are able to communicate on the level of “microexpressions,” which last a split second. We are all very aware of our nonverbal communication, but we are not so aware of subtle communication representing 7 universal human emotions that we all understand and share across cultures. “These are facial expressions that happen in approximately ½ second and manifest when a person consciously or unconsciously tries to repress or hide their feelings.” When different information is communicated via body language, tone of voice or microexpressions, we feel uncomfortable, confused or deceived because something seems out of synch.

7 Universal Microexpressions listed are as follows:

• Happiness--crow’s feet appear on someone's eyes when they smile, indicating genuine happiness.
• Sadness--the eyebrows are creasing towards the center.
• Surprise-- the eyebrows are raised, the eyes widen and the mouth opens.
• Fear--a facial expression that seems to say "eek," person unconsciously pulls back the corners of the mouth.
• Disgust-- a person's nose wrinkles but upper lip is relaxed, an immediate "ewwww" response.
• Contempt-- the right or left corner of the mouth pulls back.
• Anger-- the eyes are glaring with the eyebrows down altogether.

Studies show “microexpressions” translate across cultures, gender and other demographics. It’s important to remember, thoughts reflect action, no matter what we try to hide. It’s not only what we say, but also what we do, consciously or unconsciously. We have all noticed someone watching when we thought they were not, but we probably never suspected we were communicating thoughts and feelings at the most subtle level of communication—microexpressions. I’m sure the 7 universal microexpressions studied by Dr. Paul Eckman are not the only expressions we display, so it’s always good to think positive thoughts because this will naturally lead to good communication.

(c) M.D. Johnson (2013) based on the article: “Leadership Coaching: How Microexpressions Reveal Emotions” by Mike Krutza /Co-Author, Jodi Wiff
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