Silence is NOT golden. - Emme H. Johnson

I grew up in a family of ten children and a single mother who taught lessons in songs, poetry, parables or ultimately a good swat on the backside. But I responded best to the parables. Maybe that's why I love slogans. But  the phrase, "If you see something, say something," should be more than a slogan. 

In American society, we are fond of lies, secrets and silence. As a result, women and men are bullied and abused every day.  Harassment, bullying or abuse has no color, creed, race, ethnicity, or gender. It's an equal opportunity form of inhumanity that the world seems to ignore because all too often, it happens to women or others who lack power, and the perpetrators happen to be those in high ranking or highly-respected positions.

We are taught that "Silence is golden," but all too often often, it is not. Why do we continue saying this? Who are we protecting by keeping silent? It's one of those phrases so many of us live by, just like the phrase, "Turn the other cheek." Which cheek and how many should we turn, but who's counting? Our preference for silence is acknowledged in phrases like, "If you can't say something good, don't say anything at all." To encourage silence, for example, "whistle-blowers" are not seen as heroic, and exposing enemies within the ranks is highly discouraged.

From life lessons, I have learned that emotions must be expressed and perpetrators must be exposed and stopped. Slogans keep us imprisoned by shame, embarrassment, fear of retaliation or job loss, fear of rejection, or fear of sudden change. I remember being told to keep quiet about a sexually harassing situation or I might lose my job. At age sixteen, I needed that summer job, so I smiled and kept quiet about someone's hand on my knee or inappropriate office meetings and unwanted invitations. When I grew older and faced workplace bullying from peers, I was told to take the high road and turn the other cheek or "forgive and forget." 

"What would Jesus do?" I asked myself when faced with adversity, but I really had no idea because I had only heard "acceptable" Jesus stories. Out of frustration, I consulted an elder role model who simply suggested I put the past behind me and move on. When I was molested by someone I knew and trusted, I decided to keep quiet and put the past behind me because who in the world would ever believe little old diminished me?

That's what happens when you keep quiet or turn the other cheek. You lose self esteem, feel diminished, and decide you have few options. Once this happens, you mistrust your instincts and believe what you've been told. You might even think it was somehow your fault. When abuse or harassment happens, it's your word against theirs, or so you might think. But it is not the truth. No one should be subjected to such inhumanity.

A good defense against negative treatment begins with high self-esteem and a good network of support. Building a network of support builds self-worth and confidence. Selecting people you can trust begins with watching, listening, and following instincts. Maybe you feel you can't trust anyone, but  it's important to be brave and find support by joining some organization, even outside of the establishment where the harassment is taking place. Believe in yourself and your ability to build connections. Once you find someone you can trust, little by little, let the truth be told. 

When it comes to being harassed, bullied or abused, silence is not golden. So if you see something, find a way to say something. It's not only the right thing to do, it's the only thing to do, one step at a time.

Self-discovery requires soul-searchng, but it doesn't have to hurt.

Self-discovery requires soul-searching, but it doesn't have to hurt. Generally, we are forced to discover our strengths and weakness because in some area of our lives, we have derailed and suddenly find ourselves unable to adequately solve problems or respond appropriately to factors in our environment. Often, being derailed begins with extreme levels of stress which lead to the inability to manage our lives. Being derailed usually indicates a need to build emotional competence, and writing is a good place to begin.

 

People who are emotionally competent can weather the emotional snowstorms without becoming overwhelmed or stumbling through snowdrifts, but all of us are not provided opportunities to become emotionally competent. Instead of solving problems and managing our stress, we flounder, behave inappropriately, and suffer from feelings of guilt or inadequacy. Feelings of inadequacy or guilt create a need to escape, and many of us do, through self-medication, over-eating, or various forms of acting out. We don't know how we got in such a situation and we don't know how to get out, but it's important that we find our way out before an emotional disorder strikes.

 

When feeling confused, we can always write it out, talk it out or act it out, but the best way I know to get in touch with ourselves is by writing it out, allowing emotions to surface without negating them, correcting them or being ashamed of them and without persecuting ourselves. After three to five minutes of writing, stressful feelings disappear, at least for a while. After taking a deep breath and sitting for a moment, the writing can be read and reviewed to see if any hidden emotions are revealed. If any negative emotions are discovered, they can be questioned, negated, and exchanged for more positive ones, one day and one writing at a time.

 

Writing is therapeutic because it makes no judgments or demands, and it allows us to express feelings. Experts say that emotions must be expressed, and they will be expressed by "acting out" or "acting in." The exercise of writing for three to five minutes at the end of the day or week, without stopping to make corrections and without worrying about grammar or who is listening, is an act of liberation, freeing us from that little voice in our heads that sings, "You're no good, you're no good, you're no good, Baby, you're no good." Not only is writing relaxing, writing is also a learning experience, providing self-knowledge and helping us understand who we are.

 

Self-discovery means getting acquainted with ourselves, understanding our fears, fantasies and moral values, and accepting ourselves. This builds emotional competence. We are a combination of many influences and sometimes it is difficult to know who we are, given the stresses we face day to day. Unlike speaking, writing provides opportunities for exploring emotions without having someone witness the process. It offers opportunities for self-knowledge and provides tools to see where we are and where we want to be. Just write and see.

There's a time to shake cobwebs and a time to empathize.

I watch while a loved one sinks deeper into isolation and negativity because of past and present hostilities buried in “unforgiveness.” I miss talking and sharing events in our lives, and sometimes, I want to shake the cobwebs loose, knock on her forehead and ask, “Is anybody home, anymore?” But there is a time to shake cobwebs and a time to empathize.

  I have decided to live and let live but more important, try to empathize. What else is there to do when someone blames others while refusing to accept any personal responsibility, including being in the wrong place at the wrong time? Normally, I’d try to intervene, but I have learned that listening and finding empathy is best. Empathy is not easy to accomplish, but it’s the best beginning place that I know.

  There are always two sides to every story, but empathy only involves listening and trying to understand the story being told or the motives of the person telling it in “real time.” This is not a time to offer advice; it’s a time to step into the heart and soul of someone else, “walk a mile in [their] shoes,” and try to experience what they feel.

 

  As a professor of mine once said, “The problem with advice is someone might take it" (G. Nkondo). Stepping in to offer assistance and advice without a warrant is risky business. It’s much easier to listen and try to empathize. Regarding my loved one, the matter is resolved. After much thought, I have decided to keep quiet and keep trying to walk that mile toward empathy.