Emotional “shaming” may or may not require action, but it
requires acknowledgment.
Have
you ever stayed on the phone with a close relative or friend
bad-mouthing another close relative or friend and lived to regret it?
Did you notice the guilt, shame, remorse or embarrassment you felt
after the conversation ended? You were simply telling the truth, but
did you go too far? If you violated your sense of what’s morally
right, your moral emotions were switched on and you felt emotionally
“shamed.” For some people, the moral reprimand is too much to bear, but
usually, we remember to take the moral high ground next time around.
Moral emotions provide immediate punishment or reward. “Moral
emotions provide the motivational force—the power and energy—to
do good and to avoid doing bad (Kroll & Egan 2004).” Moral
emotions are based on intentions and what we know to be wrong or
right. We are emotionally uplifted or emotionally shamed as a
result. When such emotions as shame, guilt, embarrassment or remorse
show up, our emotional system is letting us know we violated some
rule about morality. We feel spiritually diminished. On the other
hand, when we do what we inherently know to be right, we feel pride
and self-approval. Our self-esteem is heightened and we feel
spiritually uplifted.
In
the battle between what is morally wrong or right, our
emotional system is our guide. Our emotional system knows when we
went too far and won’t let us rest until we acknowledge this. With
such strong emotional feedback, we monitor ourselves when it comes to
taking the moral high ground. Being sent a warning signal in the
form of shame, guilt, embarrassment or remorse, we follow what we
have been taught in our treatment of others and in determining right
from wrong.
Whether
we owe someone an apology is a matter of circumstance, quality of the relationship, or what we have been taught. Emotional “shaming”
may or may not require action but it requires acknowledgment. When
Joe Biden shared publicly that he had negotiated and worked well with
members of the opposing party, he was commending himself. When
confronted about the ambiguous situation of keeping with the enemy,
he defended his integrity and his actions. In so doing, he became an
easy target for other presidential contenders. After the backlash and
drop of popularity in the polls, he reconsidered his original
statement and offered an apology to would-be voters. Was it simply
fear of rejection that caused him to apologize or one of the moral
emotions--shame, guilt, embarrassment or remorse? This is clearly a
question only Joe Biden can answer, but until he acknowledged his
emotions, they wouldn’t let him rest.
Our
emotional system offers punishments and rewards that control our
behavior towards each other. Our moral emotions--shame, guilt, embarrassment and remorse--are strong motivators. They assure our
moral integrity, whether people are watching or not. They are the
gate-keepers of our humanity and in case of violations, they demand
to be acknowledged. They are an important aspect of our emotional and societal well-being, and they accept nothing less than what an
individual has been taught by society, parents and relationships: “Do
unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
Resource: "Moral Emotions and Moral Behavior."
Retrieved on 7/8/2019 from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16953797.
