Depression stories - I. Ana

·        Depression stories

I. Ana

Secrecy, negativity and inexpressibility, that’s how I remember my depression.  You hide the fact that you feel confused, sad, and insecure.  You face an influx of negative thoughts every minute of the day, especially when your mind is supposed to be idle. You have no words to express or describe the way you feel—chaos, confusion, negativity swirling into an abyss from which there is no escape. Every day begins and ends the same—sadness, negativity, helplessness--so you try to hide behind work, behind isolation, even behind anger. You feel persecuted and victimized, and your life seems meaningless. If you could stop the negative thoughts just long enough to recognize what was happening, you might be able to realize how twisted they are and make them go away. Or you might try, if you weren’t so tired. Fighting negative thoughts can be exhausting. When feeling depressed,  small problems seem insurmountable.

With the problems of the world hovering overhead, you feel the urge to cry almost every day,  and you will cry, if someone looks at you the wrong way. When you’re alone, you think the weight of the world rests on your shoulders, feel the darkening horizon pushing the very life out of you, and the world seems harsh and cold. You try to push past the oppressive barrier that separates the person you are from the person you were before the traumatic event, which you don’t seem able to forget. But your mind keeps returning to the horrible incident. You see the events like they happened yesterday, and they keep you from appreciating what's happening today. As you try to  think beyond the clouded barrier, all you feel is exhaustion. You see nothing you want to eat, except a donut which you reheat in the microwave. You wish you had an appetite because for some reason, the donut tastes terrible.  You wash dirty dishes, turn on the evening news, and fall asleep on the couch or in the recliner, and you rarely dress for bed. You’re just too exhausted.

You try to think of people you can talk to, those who won’t judge you or gossip about what craziness  you said. You imagine accusations that you are just not good enough-- too this or too that. Not enough this, not enough that. You hear the thoughts over and over in your head. You anticipate being discovered, labeled, and ostracized, so you find imaginary answers to imaginary questions until you’ve exhausted all possibilities for rejection. After you ruminate all day, thinking, rethinking and over-thinking negative thoughts and perceptions, finally you abandon the idea of calling someone. It’s too risky. What if they think something is wrong with you? You feel you have no one in which to confide for fear they might say you’re losing your mind.  So you to hold on to appearances, a new hair style and make-up. The next day you buy a new outfit and try to dress better to offset the fact that you’re feeling worse.

Almost every night is the same. You replay negative incidents in your mind until you arrive home from work, call the kids on the phone just to check in, open the refrigerator and find nothing you want to eat. You imagine yourself devouring a slice of pepperoni pizza but you don’t feel like ordering, and you’re not as hungry as you thought. Furthermore, the walk to the corner pizzeria would be exhausting. Ordering by phone, even more so. In the past, you loved pizza but now you don’t. You don’t notice a loss of appetite, only that food is boring. So you seek a quick-fix solution, a slice of cheese and a glass of Cabernet or two. Then you do some office work and watch the evening news. After a nap on the couch, you awake, ruminate about negative happenings during the day, dreading the next work day. Past midnight, you pray you can get some sleep...[to be continued]
(c)M.D. Johnson 2013

Nature is perfect, so why aren't we?

Nature is perfect, so why aren't we? On a continual basis, Mother Nature balances herself, so we get natural disasters. Likewise, She balances us. We are part of a perfect system that includes our biological make-up and natural mental processes. Like animals, we are rejuvenated on a daily basis. We cocoon, molt, and shed. For example, in the way our bodies take a life of their own in order to keep us healthy and safe, we remain in a state of constant biological rejuvenation, just like animals, especially birds.

According to Cornell University experts, " birds (and other animals as well) lose what they can't use. Our bodies do the same, but psychologically, we have a difficult time adjusting to change and accepting our circumstances. Of course, the circumstances will change because in reality, life is a flowing, changing process that demands acceptance. If we hold on to things that are meant to be impermanent, we suffer psychological or physical distress.

According to buddhist texts, suffering is caused by holding on to what was meant to be temporary--friends, family, personal possessions, appearance. The list goes on and on. Our body is a perfect ecosystem (I think we can call it that). It takes care of itself by perpetually changing. It balances good and bad bacteria and purifies itself, despite the abuse we inflict upon it. We lose hair, cells, fingernails, and even our memory of painful events. Our brain balances our fears and fantasies but when it cannot keep us safe, it shuts us down through mental disorders like PTSD or depression and forces a psychololgical "time-out."

If we take care of our bodies, our bodies will take care of us. We naturally lose what we can't use in order to manage what we need. Animals understand this, and who knows whether they discuss it or not? For example, birds molt, snakes shed a layer of skin, animals shed their winter coats or hibernate, and butterflies cocoon. Mother Nature is so phenomenal, how can we not embrace a Higher Power, call It what you may? Through our universal sense of balance and perfection, we have the power to heal ourselves of whatever is ailing us.

To highlight my point, the excerpt below was borrowed from http://www.cornell.edu. Consult the website for a detailed discussion of how birds heal themselves through molting:

"A feather is a "dead" structure, somewhat analogous to hair or nails in humans. The hardness of a feather is caused by the formation of the protein keratin. Since feathers cannot heal themselves when damaged, they have to be completely replaced. The replacement of all or part of the feathers is called a molt. Molts produce feathers that match the age and sex of the bird, and sometimes the season.
Molting occurs in response to a mixture of hormonal changes brought about by seasonal changes. The entire process is complex and many questions remain regarding how the process is controlled. A basic understanding of molting patterns can, however, be a useful aid in identifying many species and in determining their age."

Have you ever sang the words, "His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches over me"? How can we not believe in a perfect universe, some way, some how? How can we not have faith that in the most trying times, we are able to heal ourselves? Because life is perpetual change, every new day is a new opportunity to be better, stronger and wiser if we only believe that on some primeval level, we are angels working toward perfection.
(c) M.D. Johnson (2013)

Sometimes we dump, sometimes we get dumped on.

The natural flow responds to change, which keeps our universe in balance, but sometimes when we stop this natural flow and insist on standing on principle or seeking a solution, we stop the natural flow.

We all could use a bit of tweaking from time to time. We all have something we could improve, and standing on what's familiar can stunt our emotional growth. Sometimes, we feel uncomfortable in situations that seem pointless or boundless. When this happens, we might try to find solutions to someone else's problem instead of simply listening. For example, I can be impatient with myself and others. Instead of listening to whatever it is, I'll rely on circumstantial evidence and make judgments based on evidence alone. Then, I'll offer a solution to take the sufferer out of the misery. When it comes to listening, I sometimes find myself becoming impatient with what might be considered repetitious, self-defeating, self-sabotaging behavior. Instead of empathizing with the individual who expresses emotions over and over, I'll offer a solution or two, even though I fully understand the rule, "Listen more than you talk."

In 2013, I plan to change a few things about myself. I will remind myself that I don't have to fix things, though I'm accustomed to doing exactly that. Not fixing things is outside of my comfort zone, but life is change and sometimes, fixing things can slow the process.  I know it's important to take time to simply listen without passing judgment or fixing something.

Listening means letting someone express whatever they must in the best way they can, without feeling the need to do something about someone else's problem. It requires a sense of acceptance which allows us to go with the flow. There an important rule, however. While making sure to listen, it's important to take care of ourselves, understanding and respecting our emotional boundaries. If a topic makes us uncomfortable, we don't have to listen beyond our personal level of tolerance and become a victims of circumstance. We can determine how long to allow ourselves to be "dumped on," so to speak.

Sometimes we dump, and sometimes we get dumped on. It's the law checks and balances (if there ever was a law). I'm slowly learning that there are no rules when it's time for dumping, except to go with the natural flow and take care of ourselves. Sometimes, people don't want solutions. They just need to express themselves. We might know this, at least I do. Still, listening without offering solutions is a work in progress. But that's what a New Year's resolution is all about--change.

Welcome 2013!

Happy New Year! This new year has got to be better than the one that came before. According to the Mayan calendar, the world we knew ended on 12/21/2012. I believe it because of all we survived in 2012. Nothing could be more promising than the hope of a world filled with laughter, love and compromise between the U.S. Senate & House of Representatives.

Six Stops to Self-Sabotage

Stop Self-sabotaging.

The holiday season is a time to celebrate, no matter what forces try to prevent this from happening. Sometimes, the negative forces come from within us and cause us to sabotage our own happiness.  When this happens, we become our own worst enemy. But nurturing that enemy within requires hard work, and it starts with diminishing our own self-esteem, undermining our accomplishments, and feeding negative thoughts. When we turn against ourselves, we begin to feel unworthy of happiness, and if happiness comes our way, we slowly destroy it with acts of self-sabotage.

Acts of self-sabotage are often subconscious. Such acts include destructive behaviors that create incompetence; behaviors that destroy our good reputation; undermining our progress or accomplishments; discontinuing successful activities; overeating; failing important exams; being a no-show for important meetings or events; being late for interviews. There are many situations in which the fear of success creates more stress than the fear of failure, and in order to cope with success, diminished self-esteem causes us to sabotage or destroy any possibility for success.

Self-sabotage begins with diminished self-esteem, but self-esteem can be strengthened. Changing negative patterns of thought and behavior won’t happen overnight, but with genuine effort, we can change our thoughts from negative to positive. This begins with knowing, accepting and appreciating ourselves enough to accept the good things that come our way. Sabotaging our hard work and happiness is a choice, whether we realize it or not, and self-sabotage can be stopped.

There are six ways to stop self-sabotage:

1) Know yourself.

2) Accept yourself.

3) Express your emotions.

4) Celebrate yourself and your accomplishments.

5) Attach yourself to a spiritual belief greater than yourself.

6) Attach yourself to a larger social community.

1. Knowing ourselves allows us to understand the unique attributes that create who we are. Things like spiritual or religious beliefs, emotional strengths and weaknesses, fears and fantasies separate us from others. Self-knowledge includes knowing what triggers our defense mechanisms and what our defensive tendencies happen to be.

2. We are all human, and we all make mistakes. Perfection is impossible, and the sooner we accept that we are imperfect the happier we will be. We all come with strengths and weaknesses which we can improve but some things about us will never change. This we need to accept. We can have role models who inspire us to be our best, but they are not us and we are not them. One thing for sure, we must learn to live with ourselves, changing what we can and accepting what we can't change.

3. “Silence is golden.” We have heard this a thousand times, but silence is detrimental to our health. Emotions are meant to be expressed at the right time and in an appropriate context or situation. If not, pent-up emotions have a way of coming out at the most inappropriate time. We must learn to express ourselves often but in the appropriate situation and without undermining others.

4. No community is valid until it learns to celebrate. Likewise, no person is whole until she or he learns to celebrate accomplishments and finds ways to show gratitude. Celebrations can be social like holidays or birthdays or they can be personal, like dinner at a special restaurant after passing an exam or receiving an award. The occasions for celebration are endless.

5. According to psychologist Carl Jung, most mental illness stems from being disconnected to a higher spiritual power.  A spiritual connection allows us to develop faith when things seem impossible. A spiritual connection allows us to accept what is happening and gain spiritual strength to overcome adversity in life.

6. No one is an island. We are social animals and we need to connect with a larger society. According to psychololgist, Abraham Maslow, humans are born with a hierarchy of needs which begin with our need for safety and include the need for social belonging and acceptance. When it comes to wants, we can choose to ignore them, but needs must be met. It is important for us to find kinship in groups that share our interests, goals, or other qualities. Being accepted by a group builds self-confidence and bolsters our self-esteem.

There are many ways to prevent self-sabotage, but they are probably contained in the six ways listed above. Like any new learning, practice makes perfect, but since nothing is perfect, it helps to know that changing anything takes time. Likewise, changing self-sabotaging habits will take time.
(c) M.D. Johnson (2012)

What happened in Newtown, CT is a reflection of what we have become.

To everything, there is a season and this seems to be our season for mourning--not that the world is coming to an end according to the Mayan calendar but because our lives are out of balance and the universal order of things insists on balance. Our life cycle is a balance of joy and pain, ebb and flow. In the end, life is balanced, despite horrific acts like what happened in Newtown, CT.

Our society is sadly out of balance--top 1%  versus the 47 percent; top companies robbing the rest of us blind; Congress more interested in reelection than the jobs they were hired to do; violence permeating our society (4 mass murders, not to mention the murders on the street or around drugs along with TV violence and violence played out by millions every day via video games)--need I say more?

Like the mass murders that came before, what happened in Newtown, CT is a reflection of what we have become. Our country is in a state of crisis, and yet, our society fails to acknowledge it and do something about it. How many families must grieve the loss of innocent victims before we say, enough is enough? Our karmic and ecologic footprints will soon lead us to an eve of destruction, not because of ancient calendars but because of our own wrong doing and lack of concern for the world in which we live. To everything, there is a season, and this is a very dark season for us. But it's not the end of the world. It can be a wake-up call to all of us.

Mass Murders in Newtown,CT made us stop and ask:

The mass murders in Newtown, CT made us stop to ask, “What’s happening to the world we once knew, when we all felt safe and people believed that it takes a village, and they lived according to the concept of neighbors helping neighbors?” Small towns or small town settings created within big city neighborhoods gave us a sense of community. This sense of community gave us feelings of identity and safety, and it gave us a sense of pride.

Small town communities were commonplace in historical rural towns and in neighborhoods within big cities. They assured our safety against outsiders. Today, many small places exist in areas adjacent to large cities, and they come with a high price tag. But sometimes, even a high price tag can’t assure safety. Likewise, sometimes the sense of community is presumed, often based on appearances, and we might find ourselves living next to strangers like the gunman in Newtown, CT.

I grew up in a city, not a small town, but it was a time when neighbors could be counted on to do everything from lending a cup of sugar to disciplining a child. It was a time when you knew better than to break the rules even if your parents weren’t home because they’d find out from the neighbors and you’d get two whippings, one for the dastardly deed and another for embarrassing your parents in public. Back then, the slogan was true: “If you see something, say something,” and neighbors always saw something to tell our parents about. There was no use hating them because they had your parents' approval to be surrogate parents, and when you grew up, you sat on their porch listening to them share what they knew about you and you told them how much you appreciate their watchful eyes and wagging tongues.

Our neighbor living across the street had eagle’s eyes. He would sit on the porch all day, just watching. We’d call him nosey, meddling, pervert or whatever, despite the fact that his wife joined him on the front porch after dinner dishes were washed and put away. Life was simple then. We didn’t have to worry about neighbors going berserk or strangers coming in to attack us. There were too many pairs of eyes keeping watch.We felt safe, protected by so many in the community. 

It took a village then and it takes a village now. We need to become more acquainted beyond generalities, and we need to know more about each other. But for now, only neighbors helping neighbors can get us through the tragedy and trauma caused by a wounded, self-absorbed murderer of so many innocent people in Newtown, Ct.