Depression stories - I. Ana

·        Depression stories

I. Ana

Secrecy, negativity and inexpressibility, that’s how I remember my depression.  You hide the fact that you feel confused, sad, and insecure.  You face an influx of negative thoughts every minute of the day, especially when your mind is supposed to be idle. You have no words to express or describe the way you feel—chaos, confusion, negativity swirling into an abyss from which there is no escape. Every day begins and ends the same—sadness, negativity, helplessness--so you try to hide behind work, behind isolation, even behind anger. You feel persecuted and victimized, and your life seems meaningless. If you could stop the negative thoughts just long enough to recognize what was happening, you might be able to realize how twisted they are and make them go away. Or you might try, if you weren’t so tired. Fighting negative thoughts can be exhausting. When feeling depressed,  small problems seem insurmountable.

With the problems of the world hovering overhead, you feel the urge to cry almost every day,  and you will cry, if someone looks at you the wrong way. When you’re alone, you think the weight of the world rests on your shoulders, feel the darkening horizon pushing the very life out of you, and the world seems harsh and cold. You try to push past the oppressive barrier that separates the person you are from the person you were before the traumatic event, which you don’t seem able to forget. But your mind keeps returning to the horrible incident. You see the events like they happened yesterday, and they keep you from appreciating what's happening today. As you try to  think beyond the clouded barrier, all you feel is exhaustion. You see nothing you want to eat, except a donut which you reheat in the microwave. You wish you had an appetite because for some reason, the donut tastes terrible.  You wash dirty dishes, turn on the evening news, and fall asleep on the couch or in the recliner, and you rarely dress for bed. You’re just too exhausted.

You try to think of people you can talk to, those who won’t judge you or gossip about what craziness  you said. You imagine accusations that you are just not good enough-- too this or too that. Not enough this, not enough that. You hear the thoughts over and over in your head. You anticipate being discovered, labeled, and ostracized, so you find imaginary answers to imaginary questions until you’ve exhausted all possibilities for rejection. After you ruminate all day, thinking, rethinking and over-thinking negative thoughts and perceptions, finally you abandon the idea of calling someone. It’s too risky. What if they think something is wrong with you? You feel you have no one in which to confide for fear they might say you’re losing your mind.  So you to hold on to appearances, a new hair style and make-up. The next day you buy a new outfit and try to dress better to offset the fact that you’re feeling worse.

Almost every night is the same. You replay negative incidents in your mind until you arrive home from work, call the kids on the phone just to check in, open the refrigerator and find nothing you want to eat. You imagine yourself devouring a slice of pepperoni pizza but you don’t feel like ordering, and you’re not as hungry as you thought. Furthermore, the walk to the corner pizzeria would be exhausting. Ordering by phone, even more so. In the past, you loved pizza but now you don’t. You don’t notice a loss of appetite, only that food is boring. So you seek a quick-fix solution, a slice of cheese and a glass of Cabernet or two. Then you do some office work and watch the evening news. After a nap on the couch, you awake, ruminate about negative happenings during the day, dreading the next work day. Past midnight, you pray you can get some sleep...[to be continued]
(c)M.D. Johnson 2013