Six Stops to Self-Sabotage

Stop Self-sabotaging.

The holiday season is a time to celebrate, no matter what forces try to prevent this from happening. Sometimes, the negative forces come from within us and cause us to sabotage our own happiness.  When this happens, we become our own worst enemy. But nurturing that enemy within requires hard work, and it starts with diminishing our own self-esteem, undermining our accomplishments, and feeding negative thoughts. When we turn against ourselves, we begin to feel unworthy of happiness, and if happiness comes our way, we slowly destroy it with acts of self-sabotage.

Acts of self-sabotage are often subconscious. Such acts include destructive behaviors that create incompetence; behaviors that destroy our good reputation; undermining our progress or accomplishments; discontinuing successful activities; overeating; failing important exams; being a no-show for important meetings or events; being late for interviews. There are many situations in which the fear of success creates more stress than the fear of failure, and in order to cope with success, diminished self-esteem causes us to sabotage or destroy any possibility for success.

Self-sabotage begins with diminished self-esteem, but self-esteem can be strengthened. Changing negative patterns of thought and behavior won’t happen overnight, but with genuine effort, we can change our thoughts from negative to positive. This begins with knowing, accepting and appreciating ourselves enough to accept the good things that come our way. Sabotaging our hard work and happiness is a choice, whether we realize it or not, and self-sabotage can be stopped.

There are six ways to stop self-sabotage:

1) Know yourself.

2) Accept yourself.

3) Express your emotions.

4) Celebrate yourself and your accomplishments.

5) Attach yourself to a spiritual belief greater than yourself.

6) Attach yourself to a larger social community.

1. Knowing ourselves allows us to understand the unique attributes that create who we are. Things like spiritual or religious beliefs, emotional strengths and weaknesses, fears and fantasies separate us from others. Self-knowledge includes knowing what triggers our defense mechanisms and what our defensive tendencies happen to be.

2. We are all human, and we all make mistakes. Perfection is impossible, and the sooner we accept that we are imperfect the happier we will be. We all come with strengths and weaknesses which we can improve but some things about us will never change. This we need to accept. We can have role models who inspire us to be our best, but they are not us and we are not them. One thing for sure, we must learn to live with ourselves, changing what we can and accepting what we can't change.

3. “Silence is golden.” We have heard this a thousand times, but silence is detrimental to our health. Emotions are meant to be expressed at the right time and in an appropriate context or situation. If not, pent-up emotions have a way of coming out at the most inappropriate time. We must learn to express ourselves often but in the appropriate situation and without undermining others.

4. No community is valid until it learns to celebrate. Likewise, no person is whole until she or he learns to celebrate accomplishments and finds ways to show gratitude. Celebrations can be social like holidays or birthdays or they can be personal, like dinner at a special restaurant after passing an exam or receiving an award. The occasions for celebration are endless.

5. According to psychologist Carl Jung, most mental illness stems from being disconnected to a higher spiritual power.  A spiritual connection allows us to develop faith when things seem impossible. A spiritual connection allows us to accept what is happening and gain spiritual strength to overcome adversity in life.

6. No one is an island. We are social animals and we need to connect with a larger society. According to psychololgist, Abraham Maslow, humans are born with a hierarchy of needs which begin with our need for safety and include the need for social belonging and acceptance. When it comes to wants, we can choose to ignore them, but needs must be met. It is important for us to find kinship in groups that share our interests, goals, or other qualities. Being accepted by a group builds self-confidence and bolsters our self-esteem.

There are many ways to prevent self-sabotage, but they are probably contained in the six ways listed above. Like any new learning, practice makes perfect, but since nothing is perfect, it helps to know that changing anything takes time. Likewise, changing self-sabotaging habits will take time.
(c) M.D. Johnson (2012)