Some People Feel That Children Are Over-rated

 

Some people feel that children are over-rated.

Some people feel that children in today's society are overrated, and the joy they provide will never equal the joy they take away from their parents. Despite the many years parents spend working to provide food, clothing, shelter, and modern conveniences, many children want more. Instead of appreciating what they have been given, many adult children are constantly "on the take." Fortunately, as in any relationship, parent-child interactions can be changed.

In the past, children knew their place, knew what was expected of them, and knew how to behave in public places. They were obedient, focused, and knew the value of hard work. To earn success, they knew how to set goals and take steps toward achieving such goals. They learned the value of patience, from statements like, "Rome was not built in a day" or "Good things come to those who wait." For many children of past generations, failure was not an option. 

Today's children are different because their upbringings have been different. Many lack the foundation that children of yesterday took for granted. In the name of love, others have been granted every wish or have been overindulged. Some children today never grow confident enough to make their own decisions or to move out on their own. Even as adults, they remain dependent upon their parents. But who's to blame for this? My  mother used to say, "You can't do better if you don't know better." Have modern-day parents overcompensated for their own strict upbringing? Have they failed their children after all? 

 

When it comes to raising children, there is no such thing as failure because where there's love and willingness, there is a way. While it might take a some time, it's never too late to make a difference in a child's life, no matter the age.  The following article accessed from Dr. Phil's website might provide some insights.

 (c) M.D. Johnson (2014)

 

How to Deal With Your Mooching Child

Is your kid still living at home or taking advantage of you financially? If you're struggling with an adult child that can't — or won't — become self-sufficient, Dr. Phil has advice:

Understand that over-indulgence is one of the most insidious forms of child abuse. Spoiling your children doesn't teach them how the world works. All you are teaching them is that if they ask enough, you'll give them what they want.

Your child is doing what he's doing because he can. Instead of asking why your kid isn't more productive, have a job or goals, ask yourself if you have created an environment in which your child doesn't have to. Can they maintain the standard of living you raised them in without any effort?

Learn how to say no. Your children need to learn that if they choose a behavior, they choose the consequences. Don't allow them to keep choosing behaviors that have negative consequences that you pick up the tab for!

Don't feel guilty for wanting your children to be out on their own. It does not mean you don't love them. It means that you don't want to rob them of the chance to be self-sufficient, productive adults who are able to have a sense of purpose and pride.

Remember that you don't solve money problems with money. You solve money problems with lifestyle, values and priorities. Come up with a plan that contains clear steps and a timeline that both of you can agree upon.

If you're frustrated because all of your help thus far hasn't been appreciated, remember that no good deed goes unpunished. Those you do the most for will resent you the most — because it becomes a bottomless pit. The most valuable gift that you can give your children in this situation is to start requiring more of them and allow them to be grownups.

http://stage29.drphil.com/articles/article/285

Twas The Night Before Christmas--Greatest story ever told?

Despite circumstances, Christmas was the happiest time of the year for us.

Christmas is a season of the year that signifies good will, good tidings, and great joy, and whether you believe in the story of the baby Jesus, the wise men, and a virgin Mary, Christmas is the happiest time of the year for most of us because it inspires us to give and become better human beings, at least for this brief moment in time.

Despite the naysayers, non-believers, and negative thinkers, we need holidays like Christmas. Christmas is a time of joy, giving, and celebration. It is a time for making memories that last a lifetime, and it is a time for family and friends to acknowledge and support one another. I don't know if I believe in the wise men or the immaculate conception, but I believe in the spirit of giving and celebration. I believe in the perpetuation of hope and joyfulness on this planet, if only for one month.

When I was a child, Christmas was the most important day of the year. On Christmas eve, sometimes we waited until late evening for our mother to arrive and announce an arrangement for someone to deliver or for us to pick up a tree at the end of the day, a time when no more last-minute sales were predicted and merchants were willing to negotiate a bargain for leftover trees.

By the time our mother arrived home, the house was sparkling clean, and the Christmas tree ornaments had been meticulously arranged in a box on the floor, waiting for a miracle. We knew there might not be a tree, but we always hoped and prayed there would be. 

Our mother would arrive home exhausted from a hard day of working a job or two, and we would greet her happily. She would turn on the stereo and put on a Christmas album by Elvis or a collection that included "Little Drummer Boy," by Andy Williams. Then, she would deliver the news: "Mrs. Bowie is gonna go pick up our tree." We'd burst into screams of joy then sit on the floor or on the couch and wait for the doorbell to ring. "Brinnnnng!" was the most beautiful sound in the entire world, and for once during the year,
Mr. Bowie, our neighbor,  looked handsome, sober, and happy to be of service to someone.

Toxic relations must be dealt with but not at the office party: 8 Strategic Moves. (Part II)

Toxic Relationships must be dealt with, but not at the office party. Best thing to do is avoid adversity and try to have a good time. Keep track of personal violations by toxic others, but keep in mind, whatever is going on with them is not about you. During the holiday season, it's a good time to remember that it takes two to maintain a toxic relationship, but only one to end it. Implement an end-game strategy to be used after festivities are over and a new year begins.

My 8 strategic moves against toxic others:

1. Stop. Avoid over-thinking the "woulda, coulda, shoulda's."  Leave the past negative thoughts and feelings behind and focus on what positive actions you will take after the holidays.

2. Look. When you are being confronted or undermined, take time to look  into the eyes of the individual.  Engage in a nonverbal conversation that includes having a good look at the toxic individual's facial expressions and demeanor. Try to imagine the source of the venom flowing from their eyes, nose and ears. As they talk, simply refuse to respond.  Make sure you take a good hard look at the individual who seems bent on undermining you.  

3. Listen. Try to hear the emotions behind the action or commentary, and try to imagine what sad truth underlies the toxic, outward behavior. If you want to know what's ailing someone, just listen and learn.

4. Empathize. Try to put yourself in the place of the toxic individual so as to feel the frustration, anger, or insecurity. In other words, try to "walk a mile in their shoes."

5. Focus on the positive and manage your emotions so as to enjoy the party.  Keep yourself calm by reminding yourself it's not about you. Toxic people are involved in negative interactions that have little to do with you. While they eventually must be stopped or managed, their negative actions started long ago, so relax and find others to mingle with.

6. Address the problem when you feel emotionally strong enough and when the situation and timing are right. It's not a bad idea to mention your feelings the next time you are confronted or undermined by the toxic individual. Choose the right time and place, but do not ignore what needs to be done. Also, do not allow your negative thoughts to simmer. This leads to loss of self-esteem which encourages more disrespect by the toxic individual.

7. Be assertive and empathic. Explain how you feel when the toxic individual behaves in certain ways. Refer to specific actions or statements rather than generalities, and be ready to face anger or hostility. 

8. Decide on your next step, keeping in mind it takes two to maintain a toxic relationship but only one to end it. After addressing concerns, if anger or hostility is the response you receive, it's not about you. Good relationships are based on mutual respect.

Office parties and family gatherings can be wonderful, but not if you are negatively impacted by a toxic individual. During the party, maintain a positive attitude and enjoy the festivities. With a systematic strategy that begins with self-respect and includes assertiveness and empathy, a toxic relationship can be changed, avoided, or eliminated.

Ending a "toxic relationship" requires a good "exit strategy." - Part I

As with any relationship, toxic relationships exist in a partnership. It takes two or more people to make it work. Negative social interactions might begin as friendship, but as time goes by, an imbalance of power can develop and at some point, the relationship can change into a negative cycle of disrespect and co-dependency. Eventually, an imbalance of personal  power leads to insecurity and the need for self-validation by those within the relationship. This can include disrespect, abuse of power or other forms of mistreatment due to fear or lack of mutual respect. If allowed to continue unchecked, such negative interactions can be detrimental to emotional health. 


As the imbalance of power increases in a toxic relationship, one person suffers loss of self esteem and diminished emotional strength which allows the other to feel an abnormal sense of power. Over a period of time, the relationship changes into a type of co-dependency or emotional imbalance defined by disrespect, mistreatment, and emotional distress. No matter who the perpetrator happens to be, a toxic relationship is like arsenic, a slow poison. It has the power to kill, figuratively and literally.


We often fail to acknowledge a toxic relationship, but we know when one exists. Any relationship that leaves us feeling sad, insecure, emotionally depleted or psychologically diminished is toxic. Sometimes, the toxicity remains long after the individual has left the premises, but the negative feelings that remain are unmistakable. Becoming aware of  our emotions and what triggers those emotions is key to discovering or detecting "toxic others" whether they are family, friends, co-workers, or respected members of society.


It is important to remember that maintaining negative relationships is a choice. It takes two people to maintain a toxic relationship but only one to end it.  Ignoring such a relationship only postpones the inevitable because unless someone dies or disappears, a toxic relationship will not vanish on its own. 


Making the choice to rid our lives of toxic people is not easy. Far too many fail to manage toxic relationship fearing the consequences, but negative relationships must be managed or eliminated. Toxic relationships don't happen overnight, and likewise, they will not end overnight, so ending a toxic relationship requires courage, determination, and a good exit strategy.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." - Frederick Douglass

Children are our most precious commodity because the future of our world rests in their hands. So why don't we value them so they learn to value themselves? Why don't we listen when they talk so they feel they have something to say? Why don't we instill within our child that sense of importance instead of waiting for them to learn it on their own? There is no rule book for raising children, but they thrive on love, support and creativity. They watch what we do and follow our example.

Building a strong child does not happen on its own. Because it happened to you when you were a child doesn't make it right. Because it was good for someone else doesn't mean it is good for you or your child. When it comes to raising children, there is no "one size fits all." Each child is different, with different temperaments, different abilities, and different learning styles but all children are brilliant at something. It is the job of parents to find that brilliance, nurture it, protect it, and allow it to shine.

Children mostly model the behavior of adults. That's how they know right from wrong and how they determine what's good or bad. If you tell them they're fantastic but treat them like dirt, which do you think they'll believe? 

Children need positive influences, but children also need to face reality, and negative outcomes are part of that reality. When parents offer too much praise while their children are young, constantly complimenting meaningless things or when parents fail to acknowledge and discuss negative experiences, children miss the opportunity to face adversity, build inner strength and become emotionally resilient. 

Life consists of positive and negative experiences, and children need to learn how to accept negative comments or responses. It takes several positive comments to overcome one negative comment, so criticism works best when balanced by positive comments.

As the popular poem goes, "Children Learn what they live." No one said raising a child would be easy, but when we contract to bring children into this world, it's a responsibility that we accept and a job that gets easier if we practice the behavior we want them to learn. Parents are not perfect nor do they have to be, but they need to be conscious and conscientious when raising future leaders of this world. It is easier to build a strong child than to repair a broken one.

CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE

Dorothy Law Nolte

If a child lives with criticism,
he learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility,
he learns to fight.

If a child lives with fear,
he learns to be apprehensive.

If a child lives with pity,
he learns to feel sorry for himself.

If a child lives with ridicule,
he learns to be shy.

If a child lives with jealousy,
he learns what envy is.

If a child lives with shame,
he learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with encouragement,
he learns to be confident.

If a child lives with tolerance,
he learns to be patient.

If a child lives with praise,
he learns to be appreciative.

If a child lives with acceptance,
he learns to love.

If a child lives with approval,
he learns to like himself.

If a child lives with recognition,
he learns that it is good to have a goal.

If a child lives with sharing,
he learns about generosity.

If a child lives with honesty and fairness,
he learns what truth and justice are.

If a child lives with security,
he learns to have faith in himself and in those about him.

If a child lives with friendliness,
he learns that the world is a nice place in which to live.

If you live with serenity,
your child will live with peace of mind.

With what is your child living?

Source: Canfield, J. & Wells, H. C. (1976). 100 ways to enhance self-concept in the classroom: A handbook for teachers and patents. Boston: Allyn & Bacon.

October: My favorite month of the year, but there's a hurricane headed toward Bermuda.

Fall or autumn is my favorite season, and October is one of my favorite months of the year. October is also one of the most beautiful months of the year, but it comes during hurricane season, and when Mother Nature has her say, she always has the last word. To everything, there is a season.

When I was a child, I spent some time in a place called, "Tornado Alley." During tornado season, tornado warnings were announced on a continual basis.  Watching the news, everyone was terrified. I remember sitting on the sofa in the darkness with my brothers and sisters, waiting for the storm to pass and secretly wishing it would  pass just close enough for us to watch it touch down, but far enough away for it to cause no damage to our neighborhood or to any other neighborhood, for that matter. 

We lived in a nine-room house with connecting rooms, and there was a special place to hide--a long hallway situated in the middle of the house. We could close the bathroom, dining room, and two bedroom doors and nothing could touch us. The entire house was built around the hallway. Now that I look back on it, a safe shelter must have been it's purpose from the very beginning, though we were never told that. When it rained and thundered terribly hard and bolts of lightening streaked across the sky, we huddled together underneath someone's bed, but that was before we were shown the perfect place to hide. 

Listening to the weather report seemed far more terrifying than looking out the window, but since we were prohibited from being anywhere near a window, we huddled together with one or both parents quietly watching TV until the sirens began screaming overhead. It was frightening and exciting, all at the same time. Once the sirens stopped and after getting permission, we rushed outside to see the blackened sky. The weather was often balmy and breezy, and the sky took on a reddish hue. It was simply beautiful. If there had been rain, we made sure to splash into every puddle. Sometimes we sat on the curb and watched our neighbors playing up and down the street. 

Each night after a tornado, we were told to get on our knees and pray that no lives had been lost during the storm and to give thanks that the tornado had spared our home, our neighborhood, and finally, our lives. It's not that we were insignificant. It's just that we were not the only ones in danger. We always remembered, it was not only about us. That's what I learned from tornadoes.  

There's a tornado headed toward Bermuda in the coming days, and although it's not headed for the U.S.A., I am reminded that there are people, neighborhoods, and children hiding in safe places so many miles away, and if I pray for their safety, not only will they be safe, we will be safe here in the U.S.A.    (Although I like believing this, I know that sometimes my prayer will be answered and sometimes not because
to everything, there is a season.)