Writing is Therapeutic: "Our Ponderosa"

Writing is therapeutic, so I try to write nearly every day. It allows me to express emotions and release pent-up feelings; reflect upon a situation and solve problems; or recall precious memories and create moments of happiness when the going gets tough. I invite you to join me in recalling and writing your memories. Write with me and post excerpts in the "comments" section of this website or start a journal of your own which might one day become a memoir or novel. Feel free to comment or ask questions. What follows is my journal entry for January, 2014 titled, "Our Ponderosa."

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My brother didn’t know, but he helped to raise a Vulcan, a tiny shemale who had no sense of self nor well-being, nor any ego to speak of, just a drive toward perfection, the only reason she was born human in the first place. This is how I sometimes felt, and sometimes, I try but fail to imagine what my life would be without my "four-eyed" brother who had to hold a book four inches from his face in order to read.Yet, he managed to help grow a girl who helped grow a family.

I grew up in a large, white, wood-frame house, a house that could have been situated anywhere in the world but was located in the lower Midwest. It was surrounded by vegetation—hedge bushes on both sides of the house, a large elm tree in the front yard which also provided shade for the neighbors on hot summer days; a pecan tree in the middle of the back yard, a mulberry bush, and fruit trees, including two apple trees, a peach tree, and a pear tree; and different types of flowers—daylilies, crocus, gladiolas, petunias, four-o’clocks, periwinkles, morning glories, marigolds, honeysuckle, and roses of every color and size -- growing wild along the fence or planted in flower beds. In the middle of the backyard was a concrete fish pond filled with speckled, bobble-headed goldfish. Beyond the backyard gate was Truman Elementary School, situated on a hill overlooking a park with a playground, basketball court, and two baseball diamonds.  Each summer, we watched little-league and men's baseball tournaments right from our backyard fence.

It was a large, nine-room house that allowed us to run through every room without stopping. It had been built especially for the housing developer and his family, so it was the best landscaped house in the neighborhood and the largest. When my father took his pregnant wife and five children to see it for the first time, he was brimming with pride. I’ll never forget the smile on his face as he embraced our mother who smiled and snuggled approvingly. The house was located next to the corner lot across the street from the white section of town. We didn't know we were encroaching, and for a while we played with the white children who lived across the street, sometimes sitting curbside underneath the streetlamp until suppertime. We didn't know at the time, but this big, white house and its landscape became our Ponderosa (to be continued).

Acceptance or Forgiveness?

In the past, when I tried to recall personal situations that required forgiveness, I got a headache, but I could think of many situations that required “acceptance.” After struggling with the concept of “forgiveness” and getting nowhere, one day I decided I can only forgive after I accept. 

Acceptance has been explained in many ways, but I like the explanation offered by Mark Nepo via video posted on YouTube, where Oprah sits and talks with the poet and philosopher regarding his book. Based on this conversation, “acceptance” is “going with the flow,” like being in a body of water, feeling the current of the water, and adapting to that flow despite obstacles, hardships, or heartaches. 

My spiritual beliefs are based on ebb and flow, so the concept is easy for me to accept. According to Mark Nepo, it’s up to us to allow hardships to flow “through us,” rather than push against them. Acceptance is not surrender or helplessness. It’s a conscious act of allowing ourselves to experience the emotions caused by a negative experience and then let them go, making sure we don’t get stuck in the past. Also, we must determine how to learn from our negative experiences in order to use them for our personal growth. Going against the tide or nurturing feelings of helplessness can cause us to drown in misery.  

After much contemplation, I have decided this: I don’t know how to forgive, but I know how to accept and go with the flow in order to overcome hurt feelings and emotional setbacks initiated by others but maintained by me. Acceptance allows me to keep moving forward, far from the scene of an accident, crime or tragedy, leaving every shred of evidence behind—people, places, and emotional attachment to the negativity. 

 "Acceptance" leads to positive thinking because it allows us to express emotions without getting stuck in a bad moment. While forgiveness can be complicated, acceptance only requires the will to move on. I think I am able to accept, and maybe one day I’ll truly know what it means to forgive and forget. Meanwhile, there’s something liberating about going with the flow.

 

 

I could plant a garden in the wintertime.

Happy New Year, 2014!

So many possible resolutions, so little time! What difference can I make? What could I change?

·        I could lose weight (but I like hotdogs & chips and totally hate gyms).

·        I could adopt or foster a child (but my patience is short).

·        I could volunteer at a homeless shelter, a pet shelter, or somewhere else but...or

·        I could plant a garden in the wintertime.

Yes, that’s what I’ll do.

Cherish the Good Times and "Happy Holidays!"

          My brother didn’t know, but he helped to raise a Vulcan, a tiny shemale who had no sense of self nor well-being, nor any ego to speak of, just a drive toward perfection, the only reason she was born human in the first place. I often try but fail to imagine what life would be without him. He told me stories and taught me most of the holiday songs I know. His sense of imagination made the world seem bigger and more beautiful, especially at Christmas time.

I grew up in a house, a house that could have been anywhere in the world. It was surrounded by vegetation—fruit trees, a pecan tree, rose bushes, honeysuckle, and all types of flowers growing wild along the fence or planted in flower beds. In the middle of the yard was a concrete fish pond filled with bobble-headed goldfish. It was a large, nine-room house that we could run around and around without stopping. It had been built especially for the developer and his family, and when my father took us to see it for the first time, he was brimming with pride. My father was proud and strong, worked two jobs to keep us well-dressed and fed. Sometimes, we huddled in the big arm chair long past bedtime until he arrived from his second job,white flour sprinkled on the toes of his boots and wearing the biggest smile in the entire world. Opening the door and seeing our faces, no matter how tired he might have been, he always smiled and said, “How’re my kiddies.” Then he'd sit in the big armchair, sit the four of us on his lap while the little ones slept, and sing us a song.

Christmas was a big deal at our house. My mother played Christmas music and watched us decorate the tree. She baked pound cakes, apple pies, pecan pies, and the best sweet potato pie in the world. She was so happy being a wife and mother of six children, and we were proud members of her tribe. The two eldest took turns reading, ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas before we were shushed and sent to bed. It wasn’t easy falling asleep, but we believed Santa would be delighted to discover cookies and eggnog waiting as he delivered the toys we had prayed and begged for.

The next morning, we were probably the happiest children in the world, covering our mouths to hold back the squeals after seeing so many toys piled around the tree, whispering while our parents slept and waiting until their bedroom door creaked open. It was a beautiful sight, the house warmed, Christmas lights glistening, the oak wood floors shining, and the smell of pine everywhere. On the dining table was a gigantic bowl of fruit, which we could eat after breakfast. At Christmas time, we were allowed to each as many oranges, apples, gum drops and candy canes as we wished, but not before breakfast, so by the time breakfast was served, we were ravenous. Our father was a professional chef, but he couldn’t out-do my mother’s country cooking. Still, it was nice to taste his cooking on this special day.

After breakfast, dishes were washed while mom and dad sat around the tree and whispered. Then the music began and one by one, names were called to claim what Santa had left. It was an all-day affair and clearly the best day of the year. Afterwards, we built doll houses, adjusted skates, painted model cars, and hummed Christmas carols under the watchful eyes of my parents and big brother. I didn’t know much at the time, except this was the happiest day of the year. So to all of you, cherish the good times and Happy Holidays!

December is good for emotional health.

The holiday season is a time to be joyful, but given our different circumstances, this might seem impossible for some of us. It's not easy watching neighbors put up holiday decorations that we cannot afford, not easy watching friends, family and neighbors stepping out to enjoy an evening stroll through streets adorned with lighted trees and window decorations, and certainly not easy knowing we will have to work on the very day other families are laughing, opening presents, and enjoying the best of both--extra time and extra money. Yet, despite the lack of finances and the blues that we sometimes feel during the Christmas holiday season, studies show that we remain hopeful, inspired, and less prone to negative thinking than during other times of the year. It seems December is good for our emotional health.

Past studies have supported what the CDC calls a "myth," when it comes to increased suicide rates during the holiday season. According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), suicides decrease in December. The "CDC’s National Center for Health Statistics reports that the suicide rate is, in fact, the lowest in December. The rate peaks in the spring and the fall."

Recent studies dispel the myth that the suicide rate increases during the holiday season. Suicides are committed during the holiday season, but people who commit suicide do so for a variety of reasons. With 36,000 people taking their own lives every year, suicide remains the 10th leading cause of death for all Americans. According to the Centers for Disease Control, 374,000 individuals are treated for self-inflicted wounds every year. With this in mind, the CDC is studying ways to "protect" people from suicide, but there are simple things that we all can do.

Because December is a time for giving and thinking of others, it only makes sense that suicides are decreased during this month. Doing for others naturally boosts our happiness quotient. For friends and family showing signs of depression or sadness during this holiday season, there is something we can do. We can help someone create their own happiness, and as we lift their spirits, we lift our own. We are able to offer gifts to others and to ourselves all at the same time. Simple activities that spread happiness include:

• Invite friends, family or neighbors to a family or community event. 
• Send holiday greeting cards via snail mail. 
• Volunteer and invite someone to join in.
• Deliver canned goods to a food bank or community shelter.
• Smile and say, "Happy Holidays"!

These simple gestures of good will can make all the difference between someone experiencing sadness or happiness during the holiday season. December is especially good for the emotional health of self and others.
(Excerpts from http://www.cdc.gov-"Holiday Suicides: Fact or Myth"). 

7 Aspects of Conversation at Holiday Parties

Are you invited to a holiday office party and fear your awkwardness will be revealed? Do you sometimes wonder what to say to colleagues, co-workers, and lesser-knowns at a festive gathering? Take comfort in knowing that you are not alone, but the more relaxed you are without being drunk or drugged, the less awkward you'll feel. Think positive, plan to enjoy yourself but always remember you are not alone. People watching is always an aspect of holiday gatherings, and when it comes to knowing how to behave, moderation is the key to success.

I don't remember where I borrowed the helpful hints, but I've listed them below.

7 Aspects of holiday conversation

1.Don’t drink before you arrive.

2. Wear something you feel comfortable in.

3. Walk in like you’re appreciated and expected.

4. Observe who’s doing what.

5. Get started by casually greeting a few people.

6. If you feel thirsty, get something to drink.

7. Mingle and start a conversation according to the following:

·        Mention something about the area or environment.

·        Introduce yourself and offer something about you.

·        Mention a trending topic.

·        If it’s not familiar to someone, think of another topic.

·        Pay attention to what’s happening in the room but   mostly listen and pay attention to the conversation.

·        Expand upon the topic of interest. Keep it short.

·        Before moving away, provide some forewarning by highlighting something that was said and by    establishing a future contact.

Parties are designed for celebration, and they're supposed to

be fun, but it's always a good idea to be on your best behavior

no matter how comfortable you feel. Respect everyone, not

just those who seem important. You never know who's 

listening and you never know whom you might be talking to. 

Other than that, eat, drink and be merry at your party, and 

always practice moderation.

Stuff happens. Don't let a setback devastate you.

When working to achieve goals, we are often told to expect the best but plan for the worst. That way, when we experience a setback, we are not devastated. But setbacks happen. According to the free online dictionary, a setback is "an unfortunate happening that hinders or impedes; something that is thwarting or frustrating." Setbacks can be hazardous to our health and unless we can quickly rebound from them, they have the ability to sabotage our progress and cause us to give up.

 

Setbacks create negative feelings and lead to negative self-assessments, and if negative thoughts or feelings of frustration are not acknowledged and managed, setbacks can diminish self-esteem and lead to feelings of hopelessness. When faced with a setback or when feeling extremely discouraged, the best thing to do is reconnect with the emotion that caused the setback. Find a quiet place where you can examine your feelings with no interruptions. Search for the specific emotion that caused the setback and name it--sadness, anger, embarrassment, etc. After the emotion is targeted and named, reenact the situation that caused it and allow yourself to experience the emotion fully, even if it leads to tears. If unable to discover the emotion, free-write about what happened and how the situation is affecting you. Write for three to five minutes without focusing on correct grammar, spelling, or writing skills. As you write, the emotion should be uncovered. 

 

After discovering and experiencing the emotion that caused your setback, find ways to replace it with a more positive emotion, keeping in mind the following:

• There is usually a lesson to be learned from a setback.

• A negative experience is seven times stronger than a positive one, so replace the negative emotion with three positive ones.

• List three of your most positive achievements.

• List three of your most valuable or desirable assets.

• Don't overdo it. If at first you don't succeed, try again tomorrow.

• Separate yourself from the setback because you are not your setback. 

• Remember, stuff happens

   

If all else fails, try connecting to a most positive moment in your life. Connect to a positive experience in the past and recall the way this positive moment made you feel. Stay connected to this positive feeling until you are able to move beyond the negative situation that caused the setback. Also, try being your own best friend. What might you say to your very best friend who was experiencing a major setback? If all else fails, find inspiration in great music!

Setbacks should be expected, but setback are hazardous to your health only if you allow it. There are many strategies that can be used to combat negative emotions related to a setback, but it's important to keep in mind, "To err, is human" and as the song goes, "that's life." http://youtu.be/90wUItXn62s