There's a time to shake cobwebs and a time to empathize.

I watch while a loved one sinks deeper into isolation and negativity because of past and present hostilities buried in “unforgiveness.” I miss talking and sharing events in our lives, and sometimes, I want to shake the cobwebs loose, knock on her forehead and ask, “Is anybody home, anymore?” But there is a time to shake cobwebs and a time to empathize.

  I have decided to live and let live but more important, try to empathize. What else is there to do when someone blames others while refusing to accept any personal responsibility, including being in the wrong place at the wrong time? Normally, I’d try to intervene, but I have learned that listening and finding empathy is best. Empathy is not easy to accomplish, but it’s the best beginning place that I know.

  There are always two sides to every story, but empathy only involves listening and trying to understand the story being told or the motives of the person telling it in “real time.” This is not a time to offer advice; it’s a time to step into the heart and soul of someone else, “walk a mile in [their] shoes,” and try to experience what they feel.

 

  As a professor of mine once said, “The problem with advice is someone might take it" (G. Nkondo). Stepping in to offer assistance and advice without a warrant is risky business. It’s much easier to listen and try to empathize. Regarding my loved one, the matter is resolved. After much thought, I have decided to keep quiet and keep trying to walk that mile toward empathy.

Workplace Bullying is a silent epidemic BUT it can be stopped!

Workplace Bullying is a silent epidemic that is expressed in many different ways, but one thing is certain; it involves a toxic, negative, or psychologically abusive relationship between persons of unequal status. The most reliable way to recognize a bully is by noticing how you feel when you're around someone because all too often, the bullying is very subtle, but the feelings created are quite real because they are strategically focused on diminishing a target's self-esteem.

A "target" is the name used to identify a person who is singled out for harassment, bullying, ostracism, or mistreatment designed to destroy self esteem. The primary tactics used by a bully are isolation and undermining self confidence. By undermining someones credentials and credibility, the bully creates feelings of worthlessness which causes other co-workers to disassociate themselves from the targeted individual, leaving the targeted individual alone and vulnerable to even more abuse. Usually, the abuse also involves including others in the act of victimization. Whether the targeted individual did something to offend the perpetrator or whether the targeted individual displayed a weakness in character that the bully is able to exploit makes little difference. Bullying is a secret form of harassment that has devastating consequences. It is a targeted power-play involving someone seen as powerful against someone weaker.

If you feel bullied, take a look at what you might be doing to create the antagonistic feelings directed against you. If possible, offer an apology. Sometimes this ends the harassment, but all too often, the bully feels threatened or undermined due to personal insecurities and undermining someone less powerful boosts their sense of control. Such bullies are experienced and adept at hiding their insecurities and blaming their victims, causing others to rally support. Also, to gain support from others, they are masters at spreading rumors and co-opting others for assistance, making sure the target has nowhere to turn and no one to confide in.

The best defense against workplace bullying is a good offense, which includes strong self-esteem, assertiveness when dealing with coworkers, and a network of support within the organization as well as outside of the workplace. Finding a mentor very early on is crucial, whether male or female. Just make sure the mentor you seek has your interests in mind. Also, keep up-to-date records of each occurrence of bullying. As you face situations in which you feel bullied, write them down, and only express feelings or share evidence with one or two persons you know you can trust.

Bullying has become an epidemic, but it is usually unrecognized by supervisors and business managers. It is a crime against humanity that has no legal ramifications in most states, but it has serious consequences--job loss, unhappiness, illness, and even suicide. Much attention is paid to victimization in schools but very little is being done to address workplace harassment and bullying, which is just as lethal. We all should become more aware of workplace bullying, but until we all learn to recognize the symptoms of bullying and feel confident enough to report it, bullying will remain a private, individualized matter. 

If you feel targeted for harassment and bullying, you must begin to build a case that can be reported to higher supervisors or managers. It is up to you to advocate for yourself, educate yourself, and take steps to join organizations and surround yourself with a network of people who can support you and serve as character witnesses in case you wish to confront a bully through the legal system. Never confront a bully or one of its constituents on your own. Take the issue up with superiors and go as far as you need to go, but be ready to provide names, dates, situations, feelings and outcomes in your defense. Keep all evidence in a safe place until it can be used, and expect a battle. But it is a battle that can be won.

Workplace bullying is a silent epidemic that is expressed in many different ways, but one thing is certain; you can stop workplace bullying directed at you or if not personally bullied, you can opt out of participating in offensive behavior against targets of bullying. Whether the bullying is perpetrated by a coworker or supervisor, if bullying cannot be avoided in the first place, it still can be stopped. It's your right to be respected, not victimized, but keep in mind, the best defense is a good, emotionally competent and assertive offense.

Higher happiness quotient? How do you rate yours?

A higher "happiness quotient"? Some of us were born with a higher happiness quotient, but happiness is not a given; most of us have to work for it. If not, we place our emotional health in jeopardy, leaving us at risk of emotional disorders like PTSD or depression. However, despite our genetic makeup, with practice, we can retrain the brain to create happiness.

 But how to create happiness, that is the question, especially when life seems to be crumbling right before our eyes. Society is no longer the safe place it used to be. Everywhere we turn, another tragedy is unfolding—in movie theaters, schools, shopping malls, college campuses, and on the streets, with absolutely no warning at all. 

 

To keep our fears at bay, some of us take a regular dose of anti-depressants to “take the edge off,” leaving ourselves at risk of addiction or substance abuse, but this does not solve the problems we face. While calamities in our natural environment are expected, calamities on the street are not. Still, this is the new normal, and we all must find effective ways to handle the stress in our lives and maintain a state of happiness.

 

 How do we maintain a positive frame of mind when we wake up each morning with news reports of tragedy, natural disasters, family disasters, and there is no solution in sight? Feeling inundated with negative thoughts, how do we arrive at the workplace with a smile on our faces?

There are no easy answers to such questions, but one thing is certain; the answer is not in self-medication, not in negative thinking, and not in isolating ourselves and family from others. The best defense is a great offense, and this means taking control of our happiness by strengthening our emotional competence. Emotional competence begins with becoming self-aware, strengthening positive relationships, and putting a stop to negative thoughts.

 

Happiness is not easy to accomplish, but it beats the alternatives—fear, negative thinking, and feelings of victimization. Happiness is much more than a state of mind; it’s hard work. It involves recognizing negative thoughts, stopping negative thoughts, and replacing negative self-assessments with positive ones. 

 

Once we are able to recognize and challenge negative thoughts, we are in position to replace these thoughts with positive ones. This enables us to retrain the brain so that it learns to search for positive, rather than negative feelings and assessments. Feeling empowered, we build self-esteem and emotional resilience. Emotional resilience is the key to happiness.

 

Happiness is a way of life, but it begins with understanding ourselves and facing challenges from a position of power. When we feel our power, we can do anything. We can even retrain the brain to think positive thoughts which allows us to create our happiness, despite external circumstances beyond our control.

“Tribute to Whitney Houston”

A higher "happiness quotient"? Some of us were born with a higher happiness quotient, but happiness is not a given; most of us have to work for it. If not, we place our emotional health in jeopardy, leaving us at risk of emotional disorders like PTSD or depression. Despite our genetic makeup, with practice, we can retrain the brain to create happiness.

But how to create happiness, that is the question, especially when life seems to be crumbling right before our eyes. Society is no longer the safe place it used to be. Everywhere we turn, another tragedy is unfolding—in movie theaters, schools, shopping malls, college campuses, and on the streets, with absolutely no warning at all. 

 

To keep our fears at bay, some of us take a regular dose of anti-depressants to “take the edge off,” leaving ourselves at risk of addiction or substance abuse, but this does not solve the problems we face. While calamities in our natural environment are expected, calamities on the street are not. Still, this is the new normal, and we all must find effective ways to handle the stress in our lives and maintain a state of happiness.

 

How do we maintain a positive frame of mind when we wake up each morning with news reports of tragedy, natural disasters, family disasters, and there is no solution in sight? Feeling inundated with negative thoughts, how do we arrive at the workplace with a smile on our faces?

There are no easy answers to such questions, but one thing is certain; the answer is not in self-medication, not in negative thinking, and not in isolating ourselves and family from others. The best defense is a great offense, and this means taking control of our happiness by strengthening our emotional competence. Emotional competence begins with becoming self-aware, strengthening positive relationships, and putting a stop to negative thoughts.

 

Happiness is not easy to accomplish, but it beats the alternatives—fear, negative thinking, and feelings of victimization. Happiness is much more than a state of mind; it’s hard work. It involves recognizing negative thoughts, stopping negative thoughts, and replacing negative self-assessments with positive ones. 

 

Once we are able to recognize and challenge negative thoughts, we are in position to replace these thoughts with positive ones. This enables us to retrain the brain so that it learns to search for positive, rather than negative feelings and assessments. Feeling empowered, we build self-esteem and emotional resilience. Emotional resilience is the key to happiness.

 

Happiness is a way of life, but it begins with understanding ourselves and facing challenges from a position of power. When we feel our power, we can do anything. We can even retrain the brain to think positive thoughts which allows us to create our happiness, despite external circumstances beyond our control.

Depression is called "an invisible illness" but the brain is eager to help.

 

Depression is called an "invisible illness" but the brain is eager to help.

Falling victim to an emotional disorder can be devastating, but an illness that begins with a brain malfunction can disappear with retraining the brain. If the brain has been sensitized to negativity, especially in childhood, with one traumatic event the emotional system can become overwhelmed, and this can lead to the onset of an emotional disorder like PTSD or depression. Depression can leave a person vulnerable to PTSD or untreated PTSD can lead to depression, but more than 40 percent of the time, PTSD already co-exists with depression. The depressive disorder and the anxiety disorder share similar symptoms. Left untreated, these emotional disorders can have devastating effects.

 

Left untreated, symptoms of depression and PTSD can last a few months or many years.The symptoms can also disappear and recur. Depression is called "an invisible illness" because its symptoms are confusing or hidden. Yet, it is important to know and address the symptoms--incessant negative thinking, sadness, loss of pleasure, desires for isolation, changes in weight or unexplained agitation that last for two weeks or more. 

 

Once the symptoms are recognized, some type of intervention is necessary. Treatment can be provided by a licensed mental health professional or through self-help therapies, but symptoms of an emotional disorder do not disappear on their own. Some type of intervention that involves "talk therapy" expressing emotions verbally or through writing must take place. The first step to intervention, however, is knowing the symptoms.

 

With depression, the emotional system becomes overwhelmed. In order to protect us, the brain malfunctions and forces us to slow down. Problem-solving is diminished, sadness is overwhelming, and negative thoughts are incessant. We want to isolate ourselves and figure it out, but without intervention, we remain vulnerable to incessant negative thoughts that cannot be stopped or managed. As the negative thoughts flow, negative reactions happen, and suddenly we begin to feel there is no way out. 

 

If you feel depressed, it is important to keep track of negative thoughts by writing them down. If they last for more than two weeks, depression is probably the culprit sabotaging your happiness. NEGATIVE THINKING IS THE DEPRESSION TALKING. 

 

Stopping the negative thoughts is the first step to regaining your happiness. Some individuals require medication to stop their negative thoughts but others can stop them on their own. This can be done by listening to the thoughts in your mind and arguing against them. It includes strengthening supportive networks and having someone to talk to who understands.

 

To retrain the brain, challenging or refuting negative thoughts thoughts and replacing negative assessments with positive options must become a ritual, not just once a day but EVERY TIME, every moment of the day until the brain accepts the new training. Eventually, the brain will be retrained to select positive thoughts rather than negative assessments of self and others. 

 

The brain is designed to keep us feeling safe and content, and it is eager to please. Even if a brain has been sensitized toward negativity since childhood, it can be trained to think positive thoughts, and that is something to be grateful for. People who are depressed need to hold on to what mental health professionals know: The brain can be retrained. With practice, patience and persistence, negative thoughts will disappear. After a while, accepting negative thoughts will not be an option because the brain will not select them. Yes, one day, you will reach for what your depressed mind has been accustomed to and find absolutely nothing, and for once in a long while you will genuinely smile. Imagine that.*

*Content from chapter of an untitled book (c) M.D. Johnson (2014)

Writing is Therapeutic: "Our Ponderosa"

Writing is therapeutic, so I try to write nearly every day. It allows me to express emotions and release pent-up feelings; reflect upon a situation and solve problems; or recall precious memories and create moments of happiness when the going gets tough. I invite you to join me in recalling and writing your memories. Write with me and post excerpts in the "comments" section of this website or start a journal of your own which might one day become a memoir or novel. Feel free to comment or ask questions. What follows is my journal entry for January, 2014 titled, "Our Ponderosa."

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My brother didn’t know, but he helped to raise a Vulcan, a tiny shemale who had no sense of self nor well-being, nor any ego to speak of, just a drive toward perfection, the only reason she was born human in the first place. This is how I sometimes felt, and sometimes, I try but fail to imagine what my life would be without my "four-eyed" brother who had to hold a book four inches from his face in order to read.Yet, he managed to help grow a girl who helped grow a family.

I grew up in a large, white, wood-frame house, a house that could have been situated anywhere in the world but was located in the lower Midwest. It was surrounded by vegetation—hedge bushes on both sides of the house, a large elm tree in the front yard which also provided shade for the neighbors on hot summer days; a pecan tree in the middle of the back yard, a mulberry bush, and fruit trees, including two apple trees, a peach tree, and a pear tree; and different types of flowers—daylilies, crocus, gladiolas, petunias, four-o’clocks, periwinkles, morning glories, marigolds, honeysuckle, and roses of every color and size -- growing wild along the fence or planted in flower beds. In the middle of the backyard was a concrete fish pond filled with speckled, bobble-headed goldfish. Beyond the backyard gate was Truman Elementary School, situated on a hill overlooking a park with a playground, basketball court, and two baseball diamonds.  Each summer, we watched little-league and men's baseball tournaments right from our backyard fence.

It was a large, nine-room house that allowed us to run through every room without stopping. It had been built especially for the housing developer and his family, so it was the best landscaped house in the neighborhood and the largest. When my father took his pregnant wife and five children to see it for the first time, he was brimming with pride. I’ll never forget the smile on his face as he embraced our mother who smiled and snuggled approvingly. The house was located next to the corner lot across the street from the white section of town. We didn't know we were encroaching, and for a while we played with the white children who lived across the street, sometimes sitting curbside underneath the streetlamp until suppertime. We didn't know at the time, but this big, white house and its landscape became our Ponderosa (to be continued).

Acceptance or Forgiveness?

In the past, when I tried to recall personal situations that required forgiveness, I got a headache, but I could think of many situations that required “acceptance.” After struggling with the concept of “forgiveness” and getting nowhere, one day I decided I can only forgive after I accept. 

Acceptance has been explained in many ways, but I like the explanation offered by Mark Nepo via video posted on YouTube, where Oprah sits and talks with the poet and philosopher regarding his book. Based on this conversation, “acceptance” is “going with the flow,” like being in a body of water, feeling the current of the water, and adapting to that flow despite obstacles, hardships, or heartaches. 

My spiritual beliefs are based on ebb and flow, so the concept is easy for me to accept. According to Mark Nepo, it’s up to us to allow hardships to flow “through us,” rather than push against them. Acceptance is not surrender or helplessness. It’s a conscious act of allowing ourselves to experience the emotions caused by a negative experience and then let them go, making sure we don’t get stuck in the past. Also, we must determine how to learn from our negative experiences in order to use them for our personal growth. Going against the tide or nurturing feelings of helplessness can cause us to drown in misery.  

After much contemplation, I have decided this: I don’t know how to forgive, but I know how to accept and go with the flow in order to overcome hurt feelings and emotional setbacks initiated by others but maintained by me. Acceptance allows me to keep moving forward, far from the scene of an accident, crime or tragedy, leaving every shred of evidence behind—people, places, and emotional attachment to the negativity. 

 "Acceptance" leads to positive thinking because it allows us to express emotions without getting stuck in a bad moment. While forgiveness can be complicated, acceptance only requires the will to move on. I think I am able to accept, and maybe one day I’ll truly know what it means to forgive and forget. Meanwhile, there’s something liberating about going with the flow.