The Best Mentoring Relationships Require Reciprocity

Sometimes, it takes more than courage to accomplish a goal because achievement often depends on the help of others. In this case, it’s important to find a mentor or someone who knows more than you do about the subject matter but also one who has accomplished enough to want to help you become the best you can be. Such people are rare, so it takes research and effort to find them and to request their help. It also is important to know what you have to offer in order to build a mentoring relationship based on reciprocity.

Mentoring is not charity; it's a relationship built on mutual trust and personal gain for both parties. When researching and identifying possible mentors, it's important to have a good sense of who you are, what exactly you need from this mentor, and what you have to give. Most mentors volunteer their services, but they expect spiritual or emotional rewards that come with helping someone who is worthy of their commitment and who sincerely respects their time and effort. For example, the other day, my sister sat down to talk with a public official in her town to identify a possible mentor. During their conversation, my sister learned they shared a common interest--health and healthy food choices. The public official became very enthusiastic about mentoring my sister because she wanted to learn more about organic foods, and my sister needed support in a few professional endeavors. The relationship is now based on a sense of reciprocity (mutual or cooperative interchange of favors or privileges).

The trick to finding help when you need it lies not in knowing who can help but knowing what you also have to offer, even if it’s a hobby, friendship, office assistance or simple respect for the mentor. Whether you know it or not, most everyone has something of value to share—even if it’s just information on how to change a flat tire. It's important to enter any relationship knowing that you have value and you are also willing to share your value, even if it means offering help to a third party because someone helped you. The best mentoring relationships are reciprocal. Knowing and offering what you have strengthens that relationship.

10 Questions: Closing the gap between who you are and what you want

10 Questions: Is there a discrepancy between who you are and what you want?

Before all else, when it comes to accomplishing goals, you need to know who you are and you need to anticipate what obstacles you might face. To everything, there is a season but when it comes to accomplishing goals, we always like to say, there is no time like the present, but sometimes, the present moment is actually not the best time, so we have to wait. Every circumstance is different. No one-size-fits all.

Once you do a bit of soul-searching, you are well on our way to accomplishing life-changing goals. Before making plans, make sure this is the best time for you and your family. That way, your best efforts will not be sabotaged, and you will not become discouraged before you ever begin. When it comes to making plans to accomplish an important goal, you might begin with a list of steps such as the following:

1. Determine who you are and what you want to accomplish.

2. Determine what challenges you might face—people, places or things.

3. Determine and make a list of your strengths.

4. Identify and make a list of your weaknesses.

5. Determine and list ways to reinforce each of your weaknesses.

6. Identify key people who might help in your success.

7. Identify best places to find a mentor and find one who complements you.

8. Set short term and long term goals.

9. Create a daily schedule and follow it.

10. Celebrate the little accomplishments.

 

Part II--Millions of stories. This one is mine.

Had I known I was not alone, I might have stayed in New York City,  the place where it happened, talking it out among neighbors, co-workers and friends and relying on a community of support. I would have allowed my emotions to surface and be expressed. Temporarily moving out of state, I didn’t think anyone shared my reality, though people throughout the nation were mourning, too. Because my emotions remained unexpressed, my negative thoughts became incessant and my level of anxiety increased. Untreated PTSD can lead to depression. 

While not every sufferer of PTSD will develop depression, these two emotional illnesses tend to be linked, and many of the symptoms are similar. Only about 40 percent of those who suffer PTSD develop symptoms of depression, but when symptoms of depression begin to surface, less than 40 percent of those suffering symptoms of major depression ever seek help. Of those suffering milder forms of depression, less than 30 percent seek treatment. Depression is considered an invisible illness. Unless the symptoms of depression are known, this emotional disorder is nearly impossible to detect, and the longer it remains untreated, the greater the suicide risk.

After 9/ll, I began to experience anxiety and incessant negative thoughts. Each day, I awoke to stress, anxiety, sadness, and feelings of hopelessness.  Whenever the tragic event was mentioned, I cried. I remember one day I was window shopping in an upscale neighborhood in Great Neck, Long Island. I couldn't afford what the mannequins wore so I began to cry and abruptly left the store because I couldn't stop the crying. I was aware I was still grieving for the ones we lost on 9/ll and assumed my sporadic crying for months would disappear. But incessant crying or negative thinking is not normal. When negative thinking and sadness lasts for two weeks or more , some level of depression is usually the underlying cause.

After visiting a physician, I was prescribed mild medication for symptoms of stress, but my symptoms were more serious than that. I had been experiencing sadness and incessant negative thoughts for weeks when, approximately one year after 9/11, a coworker committed suicide, and instead of feeling overwhelmed, I found emotional strength—just enough to start writing about how to survive a tragedy. I grew up in a family of ten children raised by a single mother who taught us how to survive. I wrote on behalf of two friends—one who was recently incarcerated for killing her son and another who had killed himself. I began writing about survival—having the willpower to survive just one day at a time because if I knew anything at all since childhood, it was how to make a way out of no way and how to survive. 

I am still writing, and the recently completed book highlights what it takes to survive trauma and negative thoughts that follow emotional trauma. From research and personal experience, I can say that PTSD and depression are emotional disorders that can be effectively treated with or without a mental health professional and without medication but not without recognizing the symptoms, targeting negative thoughts, and expressing emotions through writing and "talk therapy." Whether through mental health professionals or self-help strategies, PTSD and depression require some type of intervention.Since some people will never see a mental health professional because they fear being stigmatized or fear the implications of being diagnosed as having an emotional illness, alternative forms of treatment using self-help solutions are important. 

Among medical or mental health professionals, there is no stigma in seeking treatment for an emotional disorder, but within social  or community circles, the emotional illness is still misunderstood. When it comes to seeking professional medical help, there are questions about privacy and whether medical records will cause sufferers of PTSD or depression to be portrayed unfavorably by insurance carriers and human resources departments. Because the majority of those who suffer depression do not seek treatment, self-help alternatives are important.There are many approaches to treating an emotional disorder, including self-help therapy, so fear of stigma is no longer an excuse for not finding alternative ways to treat emotional disorders.Knowing the symptoms is the first step to discovering and treating PTSD and depression.

The book I am writing is only for those who would otherwise disregard treatment and who are willing to do what it takes to conquer PTSD or depression on their own.This book is based on personal experience and case studies, research on depression and emotional disorders, and research on the latest  practices in the fields of brain research and self-help strategies.  It emphasizes best practices, education regarding symptoms,  hard work and persistence. Its purpose is to share information about PTSD and depression and to offer activities that promote positive thinking.

The book is not a substitute for treatment by a licensed mental health professional, nor is it intended to be. Its focus is on those who suffer minor forms of PTSD and depression. For more serious symptoms, an official diagnosis and treatment by a licensed mental health professional are recommended. The  purpose of this book is to provide information regarding invisible illnesses and to offer hope to sufferers who would otherwise fail to seek treatment. You will be notified when the book is completed so stay tuned.

Note:  If you have a brief story to share about PTSD or depression (anonymously or not), I am seeking a few contributions for inclusion in the book. If you are interested, please submit via this website or leave a message. The stories you provide will be used to raise public awareness. PTSD and depression affect people differently, and the stories you share will highlight different aspects of the symptoms. Proceeds from the book will be used to promote activities that raise public awareness of emotional disorders. Thank you for reading my story, and thank you for sharing yours.  

Millions of stories. This one is mine.

My Story of Emotional Trauma  
by M.H.Johnson

It was a beautiful September morning to be off from work. I was watching CNN. Suddenly, I saw a plane crashing into our cherished twin towers. It was surreal. At first, I thought it was some kind of simulation, but when another plane hit the second tower, I realized we were being attacked. First one, and then the other building burst into flames. I saw the fire blazing and someone jumping to an early death, and for a moment or two I froze, probably like everyone else. 

I felt many emotions swirling within but couldn’t name them, couldn’t stop them, and couldn’t help feeling personally violated by strangers. I could hear my neighbors talking, but couldn't pull myself away from the tragic scene. All day I could hear people coming and going, chattering loudly, but since I was baby sitting  a two-year old, I stayed inside as we were all asked to do.

As evening approached, I remembered the conversation I had that morning with my daughter who said she was going to work. That morning, she would have  traveled on the PATH from the Jersey Cit terminal, transferred at the World Trade Center at about 8:30, and boarded a subway train to reach the upper east side by 9, so I thought she had escaped the horror of it all. But it was 8:30 that night before I realized my daughter had not arrived at my apartment in Queens to pick up her baby boy who had been staying with me for a week while she recovered from an illness. I had phoned her that morning, and she had assured me she felt well enough to return to work. After work, she was within walking distance of a subway station where she could pick up the #7 subway train heading into Flushing, Queens. 

It was total chaos--like the end of the world or something just as terrifying. With no telephone communication, no one was certain of anything, so there was no way to know whether my daughter was caught in the wreckage or not. All I could think of was our early morning conversation and her last words, saying she’d be going to work and picking up her son at around 5 pm. It was 8:30 pm, so I wondered why my daughter  wasn't at my apartment by now? 

Since I couldn't phone my daughter, I decided to try and find her,  against warnings that everyone should stay off the roads. I didn't listen because I couldn't listen. I decided I should be able to find a way out of Queens and even out of New York City. Despite the fact that CNN communicated information that all bridges heading out of New York were closed, I remembered what my mother used to say: "Where there’s a will, there’s a way."

 I grabbed the baby boy and his diaper bag, pushed his stroller along the sidewalk until I located my car parked two blocks away, buckled him in, and started the drive, stopping only at the  7-11 store for milk and gasoline before winding my  way uptown through the streets of Queens, New York. 

All I could see was emergency vehicles, blocks and blocks of blockades and police officers coaxing people along and into their apartments. I asked directions for  finding the best way out, explaining my situation, but they only asked me to return home, assuring me that no one would know anything until much later and if people stayed off the streets, the chaos would end much sooner.

Using back roads that led to the Whitestone Bridge, I found a way out of New York and into Jersey City where I found my daughter safe in her apartment. She had not felt well enough to return to work after all. We exchanged hugs, and she apologized that she hadn’t called and said she just took her medicine and went to sleep. I was relieved and thankful my daughter had followed her instincts, which had always been good, but I couldn’t overcome feelings of sadness and negativity about the attacks and the thousands of lives that were lost. I cried for six months. I had assumed I needed to be outside of New York so I temporarily relocated for a few months. 

 Had I but known the symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic-stress-disorder), I would have known the high level of anxiety, anger, confusion, and sadness I felt were reactions to the trauma I had experienced, and that I was not alone. Others throughout the nation felt the same way, but while many were able to express their feelings of grief and sadness through conversations with others in their neighborhoods, I left the scene of the accident to grieve on my own. That was probably my biggest mistake.

 (to be continued)...