The Origins of Emotional Trauma: my story

My Story of Emotional Trauma I was watching CNN. Suddenly, I saw the planes crashing into our cherished twin towers. It was surreal. At first, I thought it was some kind of simulation, but then I realized we were being attacked. First one, and then the other building burst into flames. I saw the fire blazing and someone jumping to an early death, and for a moment or two I froze, probably like everyone else. I felt so many emotions swirling within but couldn’t name them, couldn’t stop them, and couldn’t help feeling violated by strangers. As evening approached, I remembered the conversation I had that morning with my daughter who said she was going to work. She would have traveled from Jersey City, transferred at the World Trade Center, and took one of the subway trains headed uptown to the east side. So absorbed in the horror of it all, I was 8:30 that nigh before I realized my daughter had not arrived at my apartment in Queens to pick up her baby boy. Telephone communication was impossible, and there was no way to know why my daughter wasn’t at my apartment except to see if she went to work. I grabbed her baby boy, located my car parked two blocks away, buckled the baby in, stopped by 7-11 store for milk and gasoline , and tried to find a way out of Queens and into Jersey City to see if my daughter was saved. I managed to find a way out of New York and into Jersey City where I found my daughter safe in her apartment. After a week’s sick leave, she had not felt well enough to return to wor after all.. I was relieved and thankful my daughter had followed her instincts, which had always been good, but I couldn’t overcome feelings of sadness and negativity about the attacks and the lives that were lost. I cried for six months. The next year, I took a leave of absence from work because I needed time to recover from the stress. I assumed I needed to be outside of New York. Had I but known the symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic-stress-disorder), I would have known such feelings were a reaction to the trauma that I felt, and that I was not alone. Knowing I was not alone, I might have stayed in the place where it happened, talking it out among neighbors, co-workers and friends. I might have realized I needed medication for the PTSD. This would have allowed my emotions to be expressed. Temporarily moving out of state, meant I didn’t think anyone shared my reality, though they were in mourning, too. My leave of absence led to a temporary move out of state with hopes that my daughter would follow. She did follow, but because her emotional system was different from mine, she recovered and thrived. Yet, I was distraught. Because my emotional system is different, I reacted to the tragedy differently and developed PTSD. Because my emotions remained unexpressed, my negative feelings became internalized, and my trauma took control of my emotions. Untreated, PTSD can lead to depression. While I could feel the anxiety and other symptoms of PTSD, I never thought to seek treatment. Meanwhile, I became a victim of an quite invisible illness known as depression. Unless the symptoms of depression are known, this emotional disorder is nearly impossible to detect. After a while, I awoke each day to stress, anxiety, sadness, and incessant negative thoughts. Whenever the tragic event was mentioned, I started to cry. Negative thinking happens to all of us, especially after a tragic event, but incessant negative thinking and sadness that lasts for two weeks or more is not normal. Mistakenly,I thought it was. Had I known that my response to the event was abnormal, I might have found some way to talk about my feelings, but I remained convinced that the stress, anxiety, sadness and depression would go away in time. It did not. The next year, when a favorite colleague at work committed suicide, I realized I had emotional strength—just enough to start writing about how to survive a tragedy. I had no awareness of the PTSD and depression that I was experiencing. I wrote on behalf of others rather than myself. I became obsessed with writing about survival—having the willpower to survive just one day because if I knew anything at all since childhood, it was how to survive. However, because I never expressed my feelings about the tragedy, never shared my grief with anyone, I was not able to heal. Good, bad or indifferent, emotions must be expressed. Eventually my expression took place through writing. Writing the book on how to survive, I was able to express emotions that I never knew I had. When I think of the years lost to sadness and PTSD because I did not know their symptoms, I feel a sense of regret. Simply knowing the symptoms of PTSD might have allowed for early intervention which might have prevented the onset of depression altogether. Without intervention, 40 percent of those suffering PTSD will develop depression. Knowing the symptoms of emotional disorders like PTSD and depression is everybody’s business. Once we are able to recognize symptoms, we can become guardians of ourselves and others. PTSD and depression are emotional disorders that can be effectively treated, and there is no stigma in seeking treatment. For some individuals, the disorders will disappear on their own (as in my case), but others require professional help. Whether treatment is through self-help techniques or professional counseling, intervention usually begins with a proper diagnosis and medication for overcoming PTSD or reducing the incessant negative thoughts that fuel depression. Medication is meant to be temporary, so it must be followed by psychotherapy or a regimen of self-help activities and exercises that build emotional competence. Depression and PTSD do not have to ruin lives or destroy families. Beating such emotional disorders begins with knowing the symptoms. They remain invisible only if we allow them to.