DOMESTIC VIOLENCE! Can you hear me now?

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE! Can you hear me now? You know you saw it, an offensive act of violence or a passive-aggressive gesture at someone less powerful – an almost "flicking" movement that indicates intimidation or creates fear. You saw it, but you quickly turned away because you didn’t want to be an eye-witness, couldn’t risk becoming involved. We all know the scenario. It happens in our society almost daily, but we choose to see nothing, say nothing and do nothing. We expect people to have their own resources and plan of action that does not threaten our well-being. We expect people to have courage to stop the violence against them.

At first, domestic violence is a quiet, subtle offense. Then it becomes a violation that mostly goes unpunished because of fear. No one can help a victim who won’t report what happened. No one can protect a victim after the patrol cars have pulled away or when eye-witnesses have gone back to their homes to do what they usually do – forget about the outside world, especially you. People know when something is wrong but they don't want to become victims themselves if they speak out against a perpetrator. It's not personal. Feeling safe is a human need (not a human desire). After food, shelter, water, warmth and bare necessities, people need to feel safe. Interfering in a domestic violence situation doesn't make people feel safe. So even if you saw them watching, don't expect them to interfere and save you. Who's going to save them when the perpetrator seeks revenge?

Domestic violence is an extreme form of abuse, but early signs of abuse appear in stages, gradually intensifying. According to National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), domestic violence is about power, control, and domination of another person. It includes emotional, psychological, financial, or physical abuse which usually intensifies over time. More often than not, domestic violence includes more than one area of abuse, which can be mild, moderate, or severe, but over time the violence intensifies and the risk of death increases.

Domestic violence requires intervention. It’s not enough to hear pleas of forgiveness and life resumes as usual. “If you forgive the person and let them back into our life just because they are sorry with no genuine plan of action in place, it is very likely to happen again and more severely."

www.namieldoradocounty.org/domestic-violence-what-is-it/

If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, be proactive. To increase your safety, learn the signs of frustration in the perpetrator or abuser and be prepared for the worst. You might call a helpline like 800-799-7233 to ask questions in advance because in an emergency situation, many questions go unasked. When you need emergency help, call 911, call a friend, call a clergyman, or call a resource you already researched and are familiar with. You must carefully select those to include in your network of support. Also, it is important to pray for courage to do what’s best and to believe in your ability to stop the violence perpetrated against you.

Before writing this, I called several resources on a Sunday morning, the time when many domestic violence incidents occur. Unfortunately, I could get no response. There was either no answer on the phones or nobody willing to give information except to the person in the active crisis situation. So no one else can call for you even if you alerted someone by texting. Knowing what to do in advance is important, just in case. So have a mental advance plan with emergency instructions given to someone you trust indicating who will take care of the children, house, pets, or anything of importance.

It takes courage to escape domestic violence. In your advance plan of escape, understand the consequences. If you press charges after an abusive altercation and arrest of the perpetrator, or if you feel the end of the relationship (and the violence) is near, it will take courage to follow-through until the perpetrator is behind bars or out of your life. Be prepared. You will probably need to move to a safe area of town or to a new city altogether where you can't be located once the perpetrator is released on bail. If you must appear in court after you press charges, bring someone with you. In stressful situations, two minds are better than one.

Domestic violence is a private and public affair. People know something is wrong, but they don't want to be implicated, and it’s nothing personal. Take care of yourself during the good times, but prepare for the bad. Depend on a reliable friend and resources that you already researched. Also, depend on your higher power to give you courage to change the things you can which include your place of residence and your lifestyle. If you believe in your ability to change your reality, you can.