DOMESTIC VIOLENCE! Can you hear me now? You know you saw it, an
offensive act of violence or a passive-aggressive gesture at someone
less powerful – an almost "flicking" movement that
indicates intimidation or creates fear. You saw it, but you quickly
turned away because you didn’t want to be an eye-witness, couldn’t
risk becoming involved. We all know the scenario. It happens in our
society almost daily, but we choose to see nothing, say nothing and
do nothing. We expect people to have their own resources and plan of
action that does not threaten our well-being. We expect people to
have courage to stop the violence against them.
At first, domestic
violence is a quiet, subtle offense. Then it becomes a violation that mostly goes unpunished
because of fear. No one can help a victim who won’t report what
happened. No one can protect a victim after the patrol cars have pulled away
or when eye-witnesses have gone back to their homes to do what they
usually do – forget about the outside world, especially you. People
know when something is wrong but they don't want to become victims
themselves if they speak out against a perpetrator. It's not
personal. Feeling safe is a human need (not a human desire). After
food, shelter, water, warmth and bare necessities, people need to
feel safe. Interfering in a domestic violence situation doesn't make
people feel safe. So even if you saw them watching, don't expect them
to interfere and save you. Who's going to save them when the
perpetrator seeks revenge?
Domestic
violence is an extreme form of abuse, but early signs of abuse appear
in stages, gradually intensifying. According to National Alliance on
Mental Illness (NAMI), domestic violence is about power, control, and
domination of another person. It includes emotional, psychological,
financial, or physical abuse which usually intensifies over time.
More often than not, domestic violence includes more than one area of
abuse, which can be mild, moderate, or severe, but over time the
violence intensifies and the risk of death increases.
Domestic
violence requires intervention. It’s not enough to hear pleas of
forgiveness and life resumes as usual. “If you forgive the person
and let them back into our life just because they are sorry with no
genuine plan of action in place, it is very likely to happen again
and more severely."
www.namieldoradocounty.org/domestic-violence-what-is-it/
If
you find yourself in an abusive relationship, be proactive. To
increase your safety, learn the signs of frustration in the
perpetrator or abuser and be prepared for the worst. You might call a
helpline like 800-799-7233 to ask questions in advance because in an
emergency situation, many questions go unasked. When you need
emergency help, call 911, call a friend, call a clergyman, or call a
resource you already researched and are familiar with. You must
carefully select those to include in your network of support. Also,
it is important to pray for courage to do what’s best and to
believe in your ability to stop the violence perpetrated against you.
Before
writing this, I called several resources on a Sunday morning, the
time when many domestic violence incidents occur. Unfortunately, I
could get no response. There was either no answer on the phones or
nobody willing to give information except to the person in the active
crisis situation. So no one else can call for you even if you alerted
someone by texting. Knowing what to do in advance is important, just
in case. So have a mental advance plan with emergency instructions
given to someone you trust indicating who will take care of the
children, house, pets, or anything of importance.
It
takes courage to escape domestic violence. In your advance plan of
escape, understand the consequences. If you press charges after an
abusive altercation and arrest of the perpetrator, or if you feel the
end of the relationship (and the violence) is near, it will take
courage to follow-through until the perpetrator is behind bars or out
of your life. Be prepared. You will probably need to move to a safe
area of town or to a new city altogether where you can't be located
once the perpetrator is released on bail. If you must appear in court
after you press charges, bring someone with you. In stressful
situations, two minds are better than one.
Domestic
violence is a private and public affair. People know something is
wrong, but they don't want to be implicated, and it’s nothing
personal. Take care of yourself during the good times, but prepare
for the bad. Depend on a reliable friend and resources that you
already researched. Also, depend on your higher power to give you
courage to change the things you can which include your place of
residence and your lifestyle. If you believe in your ability to change your reality, you can.
