Are you hiding your true emotions behind anger?

Losing ones temper is a cover-up for something that lies deeper. We don't like to feel vulnerable, so we default to what appears a more aggressive emotional response: anger. Are you hiding your true emotions behind anger?


If you want to know what you're hiding when you become angry,  stop yourself as soon as you start to feel flushed and flustered, before you've had time to strike back. If you ever wonder why you get so mad at certain people or circumstances, tap into your feelings and see what comes up. It's good if you can notice your feelings after an incident, but it's much better if you can also name and target the emotion that appeared before it was hidden behind anger.


When I was in elementary school, I fought a lot because I was bullied. I felt sadness whenever it happened, but my first outward response was anger. Internally, I was feeling something too embarrassing to admit. It was only in high school that I learned to hide the anger, at least for a minute or two so as to discover what was really causing my negative response.


It took years to stop responding to insults and injury with anger, but I finally grasped the concept. What I realized was this: When I felt fearful or diminished, I responded with an act of aggression, which in my case was anger. I eventually learned, it's not the outward emotions that we need to control. The control must start with inward feelings, those we hide so no one is the wiser about our vulnerabilities.


Anger is a reflection of fear or diminished self-esteem. It is an emotional response that serves as an act of aggression used to protect ourselves from harm. Yet, we don't always realize our anger is an act of aggression against a perceived enemy. "We might first feel afraid, attacked, offended, disrespected, forced, trapped, or pressured. If any of these feelings are intense enough, we think of the emotion as anger" (www.creducation.org) without considering other possibilities. Anger is simply an outward response to feelings of endangerment.


Once it becomes clear that anger is a cover-up for other emotions, anger can be managed or eliminated. But anger cannot be managed if underlying emotions are not discovered and acknowledged. In order to control anger, underlying feelings must be recognized and emotions must be targeted so self-esteem is not diminished.

*Reference: "Image from Men For Change, The Online Healthy Relationships Project, 1998"
 www.creducation.org.