That's how it happens. At first you chase happiness; then you crave it.

You are not alone. It happens. One of the understated truths – moments when madness overtakes everything you learned at the university or out on the streets, and you realize you're human – fallible or even gullible after all. You knew the ground was shaky, the territory uncharted, but you opted in anyway, knowing the journey would be long and the road would be rocky and twisted. You suspected the way would be hard, but you also believed, nothing is impossible. You felt you were smarter than those who failed the test and certainly smarter than any chemical. So what happened?

As you sit in your cubicle or other work space, you seem to have everything you want or need, but it's the feeling of happiness that you chase though you'd never admit it, so you make a quick decision. Next thing you know you're on a journey to some place you wondered about but never visited. That's what it's like when you choose to do drugs. You never know if you'll be caught in the rat trap or if you'll be able to outsmart the ones who created the horrid contraption or join the smart ones who escaped addiction and found the road to ultimate bliss.

At the last minute you waffle but you opt in anyway, betting against the odds that you'll be able to experience the euphoria without a scratch, without tell-tale signs, and worst of all, without so much as a prayer. Even the animals know when to take cover and run, but you insist you are a super human, not some creature guided only by instinct. You are savvy, educated and curious, and one chance at paradise is all you need because your life is relatively dull compared to younger days and to be honest, things haven't turned out as expected. Jobs are hard to find and keep, likewise so are good friends. You don't want friends, anyway, not right now, and the job is monotonous, but it pays the bills. 

You want to try something new, something to excite the imagination or dull the throbbing in your brain that whispers words of failure and suggests you're just not good enough. In a state of self-sabotage, you decide. Suddenly, everything they warned you about is ignored and you find yourself driving to the other side of town with some friend you met a month ago posturing as a network of support. You know it takes time to build such networks, but ignoring the warning signs, you tell yourself this is the way things are.

That's how it starts, this habit of self-delusion. You meet them half-way, for half-the price, the balance paid off otherwise, but much too soon the lifestyle becomes unaffordable yet there's no turning back. It seems so innocent with everyone in the room showing you love and acceptance, making you feel you belong somewhere. But once you're hooked and committed they disappear and you're alone on your own, looking for a way back home. 

That's how it happens. At first you chase happiness; then you crave it. Before you know, it's a matter of how do you stop rather than when do you stop the self-sabotage. You want to tell a loved one but you wonder, would they care? You've heard that the negative thinking and feelings are really the addiction speaking. Finally you recall something you heard before: It's never too late to stop the madness and phone a loved one. Or you could pick up the phone and call 1-800-suicide because that's exactly what this kind of self-sabotage is – slow or sudden suicide.