Toxic relations must be dealt with but not at the office party: 8 Strategic Moves. (Part II)

Toxic Relationships must be dealt with, but not at the office party. Best thing to do is avoid adversity and try to have a good time. Keep track of personal violations by toxic others, but keep in mind, whatever is going on with them is not about you. During the holiday season, it's a good time to remember that it takes two to maintain a toxic relationship, but only one to end it. Implement an end-game strategy to be used after festivities are over and a new year begins.

My 8 strategic moves against toxic others:

1. Stop. Avoid over-thinking the "woulda, coulda, shoulda's."  Leave the past negative thoughts and feelings behind and focus on what positive actions you will take after the holidays.

2. Look. When you are being confronted or undermined, take time to look  into the eyes of the individual.  Engage in a nonverbal conversation that includes having a good look at the toxic individual's facial expressions and demeanor. Try to imagine the source of the venom flowing from their eyes, nose and ears. As they talk, simply refuse to respond.  Make sure you take a good hard look at the individual who seems bent on undermining you.  

3. Listen. Try to hear the emotions behind the action or commentary, and try to imagine what sad truth underlies the toxic, outward behavior. If you want to know what's ailing someone, just listen and learn.

4. Empathize. Try to put yourself in the place of the toxic individual so as to feel the frustration, anger, or insecurity. In other words, try to "walk a mile in their shoes."

5. Focus on the positive and manage your emotions so as to enjoy the party.  Keep yourself calm by reminding yourself it's not about you. Toxic people are involved in negative interactions that have little to do with you. While they eventually must be stopped or managed, their negative actions started long ago, so relax and find others to mingle with.

6. Address the problem when you feel emotionally strong enough and when the situation and timing are right. It's not a bad idea to mention your feelings the next time you are confronted or undermined by the toxic individual. Choose the right time and place, but do not ignore what needs to be done. Also, do not allow your negative thoughts to simmer. This leads to loss of self-esteem which encourages more disrespect by the toxic individual.

7. Be assertive and empathic. Explain how you feel when the toxic individual behaves in certain ways. Refer to specific actions or statements rather than generalities, and be ready to face anger or hostility. 

8. Decide on your next step, keeping in mind it takes two to maintain a toxic relationship but only one to end it. After addressing concerns, if anger or hostility is the response you receive, it's not about you. Good relationships are based on mutual respect.

Office parties and family gatherings can be wonderful, but not if you are negatively impacted by a toxic individual. During the party, maintain a positive attitude and enjoy the festivities. With a systematic strategy that begins with self-respect and includes assertiveness and empathy, a toxic relationship can be changed, avoided, or eliminated.

Ending a "toxic relationship" requires a good "exit strategy." - Part I

As with any relationship, toxic relationships exist in a partnership. It takes two or more people to make it work. Negative social interactions might begin as friendship, but as time goes by, an imbalance of power can develop and at some point, the relationship can change into a negative cycle of disrespect and co-dependency. Eventually, an imbalance of personal  power leads to insecurity and the need for self-validation by those within the relationship. This can include disrespect, abuse of power or other forms of mistreatment due to fear or lack of mutual respect. If allowed to continue unchecked, such negative interactions can be detrimental to emotional health. 


As the imbalance of power increases in a toxic relationship, one person suffers loss of self esteem and diminished emotional strength which allows the other to feel an abnormal sense of power. Over a period of time, the relationship changes into a type of co-dependency or emotional imbalance defined by disrespect, mistreatment, and emotional distress. No matter who the perpetrator happens to be, a toxic relationship is like arsenic, a slow poison. It has the power to kill, figuratively and literally.


We often fail to acknowledge a toxic relationship, but we know when one exists. Any relationship that leaves us feeling sad, insecure, emotionally depleted or psychologically diminished is toxic. Sometimes, the toxicity remains long after the individual has left the premises, but the negative feelings that remain are unmistakable. Becoming aware of  our emotions and what triggers those emotions is key to discovering or detecting "toxic others" whether they are family, friends, co-workers, or respected members of society.


It is important to remember that maintaining negative relationships is a choice. It takes two people to maintain a toxic relationship but only one to end it.  Ignoring such a relationship only postpones the inevitable because unless someone dies or disappears, a toxic relationship will not vanish on its own. 


Making the choice to rid our lives of toxic people is not easy. Far too many fail to manage toxic relationship fearing the consequences, but negative relationships must be managed or eliminated. Toxic relationships don't happen overnight, and likewise, they will not end overnight, so ending a toxic relationship requires courage, determination, and a good exit strategy.