Many neglectful or abusive parents have also been victims of abuse or neglect.

Being sensitive to depression or high anxiety levels is not always an individual’s fault. Sometimes, the life we lived in the womb influences the way we think and behave. Sometimes, influences in early childhood have diminished our self-esteem and left us vulnerable to emotional disorders.  While it’s not important to know the exact source of emotional distress or the overwhelming factors that influenced our PTSD or episode of depression, it is important to accept that it is not anyone’s fault. Some influences are genetic while others may be environmental. Many neglectful or abusive parents have also been victims of abuse or neglect. What is most important to realize is our ability to change our thoughts and behavior. Emotional competence can be developed. Changing the way we think and respond to negativity is not only a choice, it is a possibility.

While some of us realize an emotional disorder is not our fault, we search for someone else to blame. All too often, we blame parents who might have suffered emotional abuse or neglect when they were young. This might have influenced the way they treated us. While this is often how cycles of abuse get started and continued, this does not have to be the way our life cycle ends. Once we accept that we are not to blame, we can find ways to forgive those who caused us injury, remembering that they, too, might have been victims of abuse.

Like any negative act, the effects of abuse can last a lifetime. An abusive childhood shows up in multiple ways. For example, in studies of primates, a baby that is deprived of personal contact and maternal care has an increased preference for alcohol and tendencies toward aggressive behavior. In human studies, these same patterns of behavior are observed. The scientific evidence proves that children exposed to “risky families” (i.e. families characterized by violence, psychological deprivation, or neglect) are also inclined to have problems with self-awareness and self-regulation. Studies show that “prenatal stress increases emotionality and activates our stress hormones [but] infants who are loved and nurtured experience a reduced reactivity of stress hormones for a lifetime.” In other words, the more an infant is loved, nurtured, and cared for, the more self-confidence and self-regulation the person will have as an adult (Repetti 2002).

Emotional distress leads to patterns of behavior such as substance abuse, depression and suicide; sexual promiscuity; incidence of heart disease, cancer, chronic lung disease, extreme obesity, skeletal fractures, and liver disease (Felitti et al., 1998). Abuse and neglect during early childhood are factors that create diminished self-esteem and lead to problems with self-awareness, self-regulation, and overall emotional competence.Low emotional intelligence leaves us vulnerable to emotional disorders such as PTSD or depression.

It’s usually too late to change conditions that existed in the womb or in early childhood, but it is never too late to build emotional intelligence. Emotional competence is a skill, and like any skill, it can be learned. There are rules to follow, but one day at a time, the brain can be retrained. It is a matter of making the choice to make a difference in our own lives. If we don't take responsibility for our own emotional competence, who will?