Letter to my nephew after high school graduation

Dear Matt,

College rocks! I keep smiling at your beautiful photo, thinking about you, and hoping that you know you have the entire world in your hands, and it’s a precious world. I wonder if you know how much your family will miss you and how many prayers are being sent your way. I wonder if you’ll remember how precious you were at 17 and if you know that you are the captain of your ship but there’s always a crew that you must depend on.  So respecting that crew is important, whether you recognize them or not.

I know you have a script to follow, and this will change slightly or drastically, but change is inevitable. Life consists of ebb and flow, but as long as you “row your boat gently down the stream,” you won’t take yourself or others too seriously and you will stay anchored even as you go with the flow.

I wonder if you plan to volunteer to help others, and if you will remember to burn no bridges, just in case you want to return to a place you once loved. I wonder if you know how much your family loves you and believes in you, and speaking for myself, I wonder if you know I have total faith and trust in your ability to become the best of whomever you are.

Congratulations on your graduation! As you enter college this year, so many things will change. You have only just begun, but if you keep honesty, integrity and gratitude as your best friends, you will go far. While you might not name it, you are spiritually connected to a higher power that continues to inspire you. Let your conscience be your guide and trust your best instincts; they connect you to what’s important and they will guide your way. Meanwhile, if you feel overwhelmed, remember, you are not alone. Email, text message, or give one of us a call. If you don't feel like talking, come for a visit just to sit down, eat a good meal and soak up the love!

Love

From your Aunt

August 1, 2013

Don't let your fear of writing deprive you of its many benefits.

Writing is therapeutic, and today is the perfect day to try it. Psychologists say, if we don’t express our emotions, we eventually become physically or emotionally ill, so however way we can, we need to get those feelings out in the open and name each negative emotion that we identify. This way, we can challenge negative thoughts and change the way we respond and behave. Writing is the best form of expression because it sparks our creativity and allows us to solve problems more effectively.

Self-expression is liberating, so just do it. While writing on our own, there are no teachers, no correct or incorrect responses and no mistakes to be made. Only genuine expression of thoughts and feelings. When we are able to express ourselves honestly and openly, with no fears of being discovered or criticized, we can identify negative emotions and question or challenge negative thoughts. When we address our emotions through writing, we are able to effectively solve problems and build self esteem. This leads to stronger emotional competence.   

So many of us fail to see the benefits of writing. We become paralyzed when asked to write because we remember the difficulty we had in high school or college. Our inability to adequately express ourselves in writing led to receiving a “B” or “C” or maybe even a “D” after putting hard work into an assignment. Because we felt undermined or diminished by the low grade, we lost faith in our abilities and lowered our expectations. Goals like, “I want an ‘A’ in the class became, “I just want to get out of the class.” Once out of the class, we became opposed to writing under all but the gravest circumstances. We blamed teachers for their incompetence in teaching us, and we blamed our lack of intelligence for our failures. We allowed negative thoughts about writing to deprive us of its therapeutic value.

We never experienced the benefits of writing because we never saw it as a trusted friend. Writing can be a best friend because it allows us to express our deepest fears and fantasies without telling a soul, without inciting fear, and without causing embarrassment. Writing allows us to express opinions in private, no matter how politically incorrect they might be. Writing allows us to reflect on unforgettable moments or to review past thoughts and behaviors no matter how unacceptable. It provides a means for clearing the mind of problems or discovering our negative thinking patterns. Most of all, writing allows us to express emotions that might be hidden deep in our subconscious minds. Uncovering and addressing our thoughts and feelings improves our emotional health. Hidden emotional illnesses like depression are more easily discovered through writing as a form of self-expression.

Research tells us, emotions must be expressed and will find a way to be expressed, for better or worse. Writing allows us to get in touch with our feelings, honestly express emotions, identify negative thought patterns, and observe negative self-assessments. Writing is therapeutic for many reasons.When it comes to writing therapy, the best place to start is exactly where you are. Write about activities, thoughts, goals or accomplishments. Write about fears or fantasies. Reflect on an unforgettable moment, or describe the way you feel now compared to how you felt as a child. Self-expression through writing is a habit, and like any habit, practice makes perfect. Tap into your inner resources via writing and build emotional strength.

Drama in the workplace is more dangerous than it seems.

Drama in the workplace is more dangerous than it seems. It is a leading cause of stress for co-workers and managers. It is also a major cause of absenteeism, presenteeism, and job loss. These invisible assailants cost companies billions in lost revenue due to employee under-performance, illness and high employee turnovers.

Whether a job is lost due to poor work performance or voluntarily, it most likely begins with drama in the workplace. Drama in the workplace can include harassment, bullying, ostracism, and victimization. Drama in the workplace might seem harmless enough, but it diminishes self-esteem, undermines integrity in the workplace, and can have devastating emotional and financial effects.  Workplace drama can lead to job loss, loss of family and friends, and emotional disorders, such as PTSD and depression. Untreated emotional disorders increase the risk of suicide.

Untreated depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide. Employers lose $44 billion each year due to depression. Effective leaders are aware of anything that effects work performance and they realize the importance of making workers feel competent and appreciated. Effective leaders are aware of individual and team efforts, but mostly, they are aware of their role in assuring the emotional well-being and safety of all personnel within the workplace environment. Protecting the workplace environment begins with minimizing workplace drama. 

Minimizing workplace drama means taking responsibility for the workplace environment and focusing on the needs of personnel.Tips from a webiner presented on 2/28/2013 by American Staffing Association at www.Americanstaffing.net include the following:

1. Identify the main challenges that cause team drama.

2. Understand the root cause of the drama & take specific actions to minimize it.

3. Create an environment and culture where teammates support one another in serving customers and accomplishing goals.

4. Hold team members and key leaders accountable for elementary drama

A healthy workplace environment begins with a strong leader who understands the nature of workplace drama and understands its effects. Minimizing workplace drama relies on:

• Good communication
• Teamwork and partnerships
• Spirit of customer service
• Accountability
• Solving problems

Many neglectful or abusive parents have also been victims of abuse or neglect.

Being sensitive to depression or high anxiety levels is not always an individual’s fault. Sometimes, the life we lived in the womb influences the way we think and behave. Sometimes, influences in early childhood have diminished our self-esteem and left us vulnerable to emotional disorders.  While it’s not important to know the exact source of emotional distress or the overwhelming factors that influenced our PTSD or episode of depression, it is important to accept that it is not anyone’s fault. Some influences are genetic while others may be environmental. Many neglectful or abusive parents have also been victims of abuse or neglect. What is most important to realize is our ability to change our thoughts and behavior. Emotional competence can be developed. Changing the way we think and respond to negativity is not only a choice, it is a possibility.

While some of us realize an emotional disorder is not our fault, we search for someone else to blame. All too often, we blame parents who might have suffered emotional abuse or neglect when they were young. This might have influenced the way they treated us. While this is often how cycles of abuse get started and continued, this does not have to be the way our life cycle ends. Once we accept that we are not to blame, we can find ways to forgive those who caused us injury, remembering that they, too, might have been victims of abuse.

Like any negative act, the effects of abuse can last a lifetime. An abusive childhood shows up in multiple ways. For example, in studies of primates, a baby that is deprived of personal contact and maternal care has an increased preference for alcohol and tendencies toward aggressive behavior. In human studies, these same patterns of behavior are observed. The scientific evidence proves that children exposed to “risky families” (i.e. families characterized by violence, psychological deprivation, or neglect) are also inclined to have problems with self-awareness and self-regulation. Studies show that “prenatal stress increases emotionality and activates our stress hormones [but] infants who are loved and nurtured experience a reduced reactivity of stress hormones for a lifetime.” In other words, the more an infant is loved, nurtured, and cared for, the more self-confidence and self-regulation the person will have as an adult (Repetti 2002).

Emotional distress leads to patterns of behavior such as substance abuse, depression and suicide; sexual promiscuity; incidence of heart disease, cancer, chronic lung disease, extreme obesity, skeletal fractures, and liver disease (Felitti et al., 1998). Abuse and neglect during early childhood are factors that create diminished self-esteem and lead to problems with self-awareness, self-regulation, and overall emotional competence.Low emotional intelligence leaves us vulnerable to emotional disorders such as PTSD or depression.

It’s usually too late to change conditions that existed in the womb or in early childhood, but it is never too late to build emotional intelligence. Emotional competence is a skill, and like any skill, it can be learned. There are rules to follow, but one day at a time, the brain can be retrained. It is a matter of making the choice to make a difference in our own lives. If we don't take responsibility for our own emotional competence, who will?