Bragging Rights--Beating Depression Through Writing

Bragging rights 

I wrote a book on surviving PTSD because a friend/co-worker committed suicide and another friend killed her son first, then tried to kill herself. She survived, spent time incarcerated, and was released. If I know anything, I know how to survive, but I'm not perfect, like a thought I was, and I failed to realize I had fallen victim to an invisible assailant. Writing the book about how to survive, I discovered my own incessant negative thoughts but only after they had disappeared.

Negative thoughts are natural after traumatic events, but incessant negative thoughts and other symptoms that continue for at least two weeks signal depression, which often co-exists with PTSD or follows untreated PTSD. Because of my effort to share my formula for happiness, which began when I was a child, I ended up resolving my own issues with PTSD and depression, which had remained invisible for about two years. What a lovely surprise! One morning, I awoke early, expecting the usual negative thoughts. For a few moments, I sat waiting for the incessant negative thoughts to appear as they had consistently done over the years. After about twenty minutes, I began to hear the sounds of springtime from my open kitchen window. I finally realized, the negative thoughts had miraculously disappeared. Instead of incessant negative thoughts, I had awakened to the pure clean sound of absolutely nothing! 

Fortunately for me, I'm a writer, and writing is therapeutic. Writing allows us to express emotions that we did not know we ever had. If you want to know what you're feeling, the best place to start is with a pen and pad. Write for five minutes and see where it leads you. Follow exactly what your mind is saying, without changing words, without making corrections, and without worrying about spelling and grammar. (Your writing can always be destroyed when it's on paper). Simply write, and you'll catch yourself in the process of expressing emotions. After writing for about five minutes, reread what you wrote and see how you're feeling deep inside.

If most of your thoughts are negative, start monitoring the negative thoughts and see how many you're having during an hour. If they seem incessant, start writing them down and keeping track of how many times you think negative thoughts over a two-week period of time. Incessant negative thinking is one of the first signs of depression. By becoming aware of thoughts, feelings, and emotions, you can prevent or discover any invisible symptoms of depression or emotional distress. Self-awareness is the first step in building emotional strength and resolving issues of PTSD and/or depression.

Good job, Moore, OK, but why not build storm shelters for all school children.

Sometimes, surviving a day depends on the hard work of others. In Moore, OK and in the Oklahoma City metropolitan area, emergency workers are prepared for natural disasters like tornadoes. They are able to respond quickly and save many lives by getting the most appropriate care for those who injured. But could some cities and townships be more prepared?

When tragedy strikes, people are naturally confused and unprepared. Many people have refused to leave their homes despite ample warnings or they have nothing packed and ready to go, have no spare equipment, such as bicycle helmets or protective gear, or cannot locate necessary items to grab at a moment's notice. We all listen to warnings via radio and television but still, we linger, procrastinate, take chances, and fall victim to situations we might have avoided. It's human nature to doubt, but when there's a history of natural disasters, what kind of logic allows for doubt, procrastination or risk-taking? And how is it that the Moore, Oklahoma community allowed two older schools to remain in use without building storm shelters nearby?

Those familiar with Moore, OK know that this town is constantly hit by tornadoes, most of them not as powerful and therefore, not as publicized as F4 or F5 tornadoes might be, but the fact remains, Moore, OK is known for tornadoes. While the states of Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas and Nebraska comprise what is popularly known as "Tornado Alley," Moore, OK is considered to be Oklahoma's individual "tornado alley." Yet, despite its history, this suburb of Oklahoma City suffered many fatalities when hit by the most recent tornado. Things could have been much worse, but could they have been much better?

According to research by Impact Forecasting, "The costliest tornado in history occurred on May 3rd, 1999, when an F5 tornado devastated the Oklahoma City suburb of Moore." Damages totaled more than $1 billion. The following excerpt was retrieved from http://www.wildwildweather.com.

United States

Tornado History

Impact Forecasting

®

is a wholly owned subsidiary of Aon Corporation

1

The United States has the highest occurrence of tornadoes of any nation

in the world. During an average year, over 1,000 tornadoes occur across

the continental United States. Nearly a third of these tornadoes occur in

the states of Texas, Oklahoma, Kans

as, and Nebraska, an area known as

“Tornado Alley”. This is the area where conditions combine during the

springtime and early summer for the formation of supercell

thunderstorms and tornadoes. Over 55% of a year’s tornadoes occur

between the months of Ap

ril and June, when cool dry air from Canada

clashes with warm moist air from the Gulf of Mexico. These

ingredients, when combined with a storm system, generate strong to

severe thunderstorms and, in some cases, tornadoes.

This paper details historical st

atistics on tornadoes in the United States,

gives details and damage amounts when available on past major

tornadoes, and provides some tornado safety tips.

To stop negative patterns of thought, go to the source.

To stop negative patterns of thought, we’ve got to dig deep.

If we want to stop negative thoughts and negative self-talk, we’ve got to uncover and confront them. Facing negative thoughts can be difficult because we often prefer to avoid them, but negative thinking has a source, and if we want to find the source of our negativity or the unhappiness that results, we need to rediscover the “unexpressed” emotions that might be lurking underneath.

When we learn to identify our feelings and begin to name the exact emotions, the emotional system will respond. The emotional system never forgets, and if we persist, the source of our negative feelings will be revealed. Once uncovered, each negative emotion can be confronted, questioned and replaced with an alternative that is more positive. We can teach ourselves to accept positive thoughts instead of negative ones.

Learning to recognize emotions and express our feelings is the first step toward gaining control over how we think, react and feel. Psychologists insist, emotions must be expressed or they will haunt us later in life. Some even say, emotions will be expressed outwardly or they’ll be expressed within, affecting our physical and mental health.People who fail to express emotions get “stuck” or subconsciously preoccupied with a past situation that interferes with the ability to face real-life situations or solve problems in the present moment. Unexpressed or repressed emotions can lead to incessant negative thinking, which is linked to the onset of emotional disorders, like depression. 

Beating negative thinking requires that we find and name the correct emotion, connect to the emotion, and follow it until we reach a destination--the situation that first created the negative emotion in the first place. 

Our emotions will guide us. If we allow our emotional system to fully respond to a past negative situation by reflecting on the incident and forcing ourselves to revisit the negative emotion (no matter how painful or deeply hidden), we will be led to the actual underlying situation that became the source of our sad or negative feelings. Once we connect to an emotion, we can allow ourselves to feel what we might have avoided at an earlier time. Following an exact negative emotion requires persistence, but it is important to confront and question the validity of negative emotions every time they surface.

Negative emotions are fueled by situations or events, but the logic behind our emotions may not always reflect the truth. If a negative assessment sounds questionable, it probably does not reflect the truth. Once we are able to question and refute the validity of each negative thought--every time--we will stop negative self-talk, manage our thoughts and responses, and transform our lives.

"Feeling Cheated" Depression Stories - Ana II

            More than anything, I hated feeling cheated. I don’t know which came first, diabetes or depression but I have since learned they are interrelated. I remember feeling cheated and deceived--cheated because I had so much living to do and deceived because I had lived a positive lifestyle, made sensible food choices and chose responsible moral behavior (so I believed at the time) and now this! I asked, “Why me?” I rolled the words over my tongue—it didn’t flow. In fact, it felt almost like this label belonged to someone. I  internalized the diagnosis as a negative, rather than a positive. 

          I felt cursed but never thought to ask, “Why not me? Who else is a better candidate for diabetes? Who else can weather the stress? Clearly, I didn’t know myself. In life, I had weathered many storms, but I hadn't managed them. They had managed me. Stress was among those things I had mismanaged.  My life began with stress, continued with stress through middle school, high school and college. At home and on the job, I faced stress on a daily basis. With such high levels of stress since childhood and a family history of diabetes, I was a disaster looking for a place to happen. One traumatic event in 2001 changed my life forever.

             I  didn't like imperfection, and with the diagnosis of diabetes, I was saddened by how imperfect I was. In fact, I wondered how I could live a normal life ever again. I decided to sabotage my health—eating and drinking everything imaginable. That way, I could choose which way to die. Kidney failure was my choice because I knew and know to this day, I would never consent to dialysis. Sometimes, I asked myself, “Who would want to know someone with this dreadful, debilitating disease?” My diabetes was never well-controlled, probably because I had given up on living a normal life. With so much negativity around me—personal relationships,, workplace stress and harassment, and challenges of  single-parenting, I didn’t want to think about the future—everything looked bleak.

          Incessant negativity became my constant companion. Sometimes, I could hear a rational voice saying, “You’re so negative, you’re going to die of a heart attack or stroke,” but the negative thoughts poured in to reassure me that I was worthless, anyway, so why did it matter. Diabetes was the end of the world, or so I thought. But when the World Trade Center was attacked, diabetes was the least of my problems. I suffered post-traumatic-stress disorder (PTSD). Worse, I didn't know the symptoms and failed to get a proper diagnosis.

            I felt like a zombie, lost in a swirl of negative thoughts and sadness. Although I managed to see a doctor about my heightened levels of stress and anxiety, my concerns were dismissed. I was given a prescription and told to visit the doctor in six months. I did not. Eventually, negative thoughts poured into my head every second of the day.  I tried to put the thoughts into perspective, tried to make them go away, but they grew louder and more incessant. It seemed that the entire universe had fallen on my shoulders and I couldn’t see beyond the dark clouds. I could feel a water-logged horizon wrapped around my shoulders like a dripping wet shawl, weighing me down until I felt exhausted, but I couldn’t wish them away.

          I cried for months and sometimes entertained ways to die. Car accident? Gunshot to the head? Sleeping pills. I didn’t own a gun and didn’t plan to buy one. I didn’t have a stash of sleeping pills. I pondered the thought of dying and frequently asked myself, “What if I botched the job?” What if I became a burden on family, my body mangled and my mind filled with regret? Sometimes, the voice of reason can be found in the little things, like the voice of a child asking the question,“Mama, can you sign this permission slip?” I remember thinking that children are such saboteurs when it comes to interrupting negative thoughts. But I hadn't considered, they might also be saviors.

        Children: I’ll always appreciate their being here. Looking back, I can put things in perspective enough to analyze why children really are saviors. In spite of the“terrible two’s” and the “terrible teens,” children connect us to past, present, and future. They provide fond memories from the past to hold onto when the going gets rough or when we feel sadness. In the present, they prevent continuous self-absorption, which becomes a preference for those who become depressed. Children provide reasons to look toward the future, one day at a time as the progress through life. Looking at the faces of children, pets, or someone whose life depends on us, we realize that we are not alone and our actions have consequences. 

         Knowing that our choice will impact others, we usually find a way to survive. Children, pets, or ailing parents cause us to stop, look and listen, and in so doing, they stave off negative thoughts if only for a moment in time. Having will-power to stay alive for 24-hours is the first step toward changing negative patterns of thought that have derailed us. Sometimes, it's a struggle to live one more day, but taking life one moment at a time makes a difference.  Holding on to life begins with searching for the little things that create positive memories,  and reflecting on the happiness felt during those moments. Holding onto life also means focusing on family, close friends, or animals and asking, How will they be affected by my choice?

         Having responsibility for someone else can become the only reason for being here on planet earth.  Not everyone has a family to keep them centered, but some of us have pets. Those of us who do not have a pet can adopt one. Taking care of others forces us out of the pattern of negative thinking that can take over the brain. While responding to the self-centered demands of loved ones, it's difficult to entertain negative thoughts. With all of the talking, crying, complaining, or barking to get specific needs met, they force us to focus on them. Then we must make a choice: respond to their wants and needs or have our negative thinking process interrupted repeatedly. 

        Depressed people need help but don't know it. Not only does staying alive for 24 hours provide an opportunity to talk to someone about symptoms and feelings, it also provides an opportunity to make positive changes. Because depression requires some type of intervention, we cannot continue with "business as usual." We must make changes in our thoughts and behaviors, but this can only happen if we're around to make the phone call.  Being alive has many advantages, but the greatest advantage is, it's the first step toward making positive changes in our lives. 

          What if the life we've been living all of this time could be different?  What if there were ways to stop negative thoughts and feelings? What I learned from PTSD and depression is this: Life is beautiful and life is change, best lived one day at a time. Very few things are perfect and very few things signal the end of existence, so learning to go with the flow produces less stress. 

          Change is necessary and usually, it's a good thing. This I learned from depression. Now, when I think of the stress that has defined my life, I realize I needed a change. PTSD and depression forced me to make a change and for that, I feel fortunate. I find it hard to believe I have grown from incessant negative thoughts and feeling cheated in life to feeling grateful for untreated PTSD which led to the onset of depression and forced me to make changes in my life.