The 5 Stages of Grieving according to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Grief is like no other emotion because it's different for everyone and specific to each one. We might not grieve in the same way and we might grieve about things other than death. Grief is based on a sense of loss which could be loss of freedom, loss of health, loss of physical attributes, loss of a pet, loss of something we took for granted, or loss of life. 

Accepting loss is a process which takes place in stages. The stages of grief are experienced in no particular order.  If you are grieving the loss of something or someone, just know that you are not alone and decide which stage of grieving you happen to be in. Then, allow it run its course.

To help you identify and accept where you might be in the grieving process, www.psychcentral.com offers a list of five stages that people go through after losing someone or something.  The 5 stages of grief and loss are: 1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. 

"These five stages of grief were first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying." To read the entire article, see www.psychcentral.com.

1. Denial & Isolation

The first reaction to learning about the terminal illness, loss, or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. “This isn’t happening, this can’t be happening,” people often think. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock of the loss. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

2. Anger

As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.

Remember, grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it.

The doctor who diagnosed the illness and was unable to cure the disease might become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying every day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who grieve for them.

Do not hesitate to ask your doctor to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your loved one’s illness. Arrange a special appointment or ask that he telephone you at the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Understand the options available to you. Take your time.

3. Bargaining

The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–

• If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
• If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
• If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…

Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

4. Depression

Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words.

The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.

5. Acceptance

Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.

Loved ones that are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware of their own impending death or such, only that physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited. The dignity and grace shown by our dying loved ones may well be their last gift to us.

Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.

Excerpt retrieved from www.psychcentral.com on May 27, 2017.

Somebody I know is an alcoholic...Somebody I know hides the same secret every day.

Somebody I know is an alcoholic. Someone you know is an alcoholic. Somebody I know hides the same secret every day. They know about groups like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and they could seek help from health care providers or medicaid, but medical records are not protected and many alcoholics fear their information will get hacked and shared. They also fear other things – stigma, loss of respect or invalidation by others, loss of self-esteem and job loss or lack of promotions as a result of being exposed.

There is no cure for alcoholism and since it is a progressive disease, it only gets worse over time. The only approach to alcoholism is to 1) stop drinking through rehab or on your own, 2) join a support group, and 3) struggle to stay sober one day at a time. The greatest challenge is to live one day (this day) without alcohol. Whether someone drinks on an hourly basis or yearly basis is not the question. If someone can't handle alcohol, they are either allergic or they are an alcoholic.

But how do you know if you or someone you know is an alcoholic? There are many tell-tale signs. An alcoholic might suddenly disappear for several minutes and return in a different mood. Their behavior might become erratic or belligerent. They always drink too much or whenever they drink, something gets out of control. No, it's probably not you. It's probably that they are under the influence of alcohol.

How do you know you are an alcoholic? You drink too much. You can't drink at all without getting out of control. You deny that you drink too much or that you even drink at all. You think about your next drink incessantly, or you hide evidence of your drinking. You might only drink on special occasions but one drink is never enough. You need a drink or your bodily functions and reactions will seem impaired. You need to fill that hole in your soul with a good stiff drink at least once a day but you might be able to wait. These are only a few tell-tale signs of alcoholism.

For alcohol abusers, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is a good place to start.  Or if you feel your loved one has a problem with alcohol, consider joining Al-Anon, a support group for friends and families of alcoholics. They encourage you to take care of yourself and they teach you to separate your identity from that of your alcoholic loved one. If you think you have a problem, attend AA meetings. If you don't want to attend meetings in your hometown, find a town close by and attend weekly meetings there. Keep in mind, if you see anyone at the meeting, they will be anonymous and so will you. If you happen to know anyone attending the meeting, find comfort in knowing they are in the same situation as you are. Or they wouldn't be there.

If you are an alcoholic, get help because alcoholism is a progressive disease – it only gets worse.  If someone you know has a problematic relationship with alcohol, find answers by attending Al-Anon and asking them to attend AA meetings. If they decide to not attend, remember to attend such meetings for your own benefit. After an alcoholic stops drinking, the secret to success is staying sober one day at a time, attending meetings on a regular basis and finding a support group to depend on when the going gets rough. Staying sober is possible, especially when you know you are not alone.

Parkinson's Disease according to editor of Vanity Fair, Michael Kinsley in a conversation with Diane Rehm (formerly with NPR)

Old Age: A Beginners Guide is a book about Parkinson's Disease by founder of Slate magazine, Michael Kinsley, editor at Vanity Fair whose conversation with Diane Rehm was aired on National Public Radio. He shared what he knows about living and about being diagnosed with Parkinson's. According to Kinsley, there are two ways to approach illness or disease:

• Embrace it, join a community of those experiencing it and advocate for solutions to problems regarding it.

• Ignore and hide it, which does not allow emotions to be expressed.

I have a third way to approach this illness: Consider it a blessing, rather than a curse and make positive changes in your diet and lifestyle, embrace or settle issues with loved ones, if possible. If impossible to reconcile differences, find a way to accept the relationship as it is and focus on building happiness supported by a network of people who accept and support you just as you are.

According to Michael Kinsley, Parkinson's Disease doesn't necessarily lead to demise. It can lead to disability but it's not a fatal disease. This means, you still have to learn to live a healthy life with it. This includes positive thinking, positive experiences and paying attention to overall health and emotional well-being.

                       I've been very very lucky and I have very minor symptoms. My eye twitches and                                  that's close to the major side-effect that I have. What else?  I have trouble sleeping, I               have skin problems, and it's a wide variety of other [side-effects or symptoms].

Michael Kinsley is thankful for the things that are good in his life as he grows older and learns to live with his disease.  He says that growing old is not simply a matter of longevity. It's if you can hold on to your cognition. It's a matter of finding ways to live a good life.

(c) MHJohnson

See also: https://www.k94life.org

Although they shout it to the mountaintops, “Black Lives Matter,” self-worth is something many Black people have yet to believe.

Human suffering is everywhere, but I don't worry about life circumstances because I understand we live according to our personal karmic footprint. If we created good causes in our past lives, our negative karma is reduced. If we committed negative acts against humanity, animals or Nature, our negative karma is increased. Christianity teaches, “You reap what you sow.” Karma is the same concept. The universal law of Cause and Effect never gets it wrong.

It's hard to accept that we created the situation we're in today, so much easier to blame it on parents, teachers, significant others, or on the Black human race. Everyone blames the Black human race, even members of the Black human race, themselves.

Let's face it, humans can be more vicious than animals. Animals kill in order to survive. Humans kill for the power, the sport of it, or to keep up with their Joneses. Animals, not so much. If animals feel their survival threatened, they will offer a response. If they feel driven to feed a family, then someone has got to die and only the strong survive. Such is not the case with people, especially Black people. We kill each other for sport.

I love the color of blackness—blue/black warm, tattered yet standing strong, beautiful in appearance, in strength, in swagger and style. Black people are emulated and admired (secretly) all over the world. But if they only believed. Since they don't believe they are beautiful or powerful, self-hatred looms large (secretly) in the black community and self-hatred gets expressed in the way we kill each other off, physically or spiritually. “Black lives matter,” is just a slogan because we are so enamored with the notion of appearing rich, feeling important, or living white that we are willing to kill for it.

Whether we kill bodies, the human soul or dreams and aspirations, Black people do this to each other on a daily basis. They feel it's not a crime against humanity because—are black people human?  Whether acquiring worldly possessions, attaining political power, or building self-esteem through bullying, all can lead to the indiscriminate killings that humans inflict on each other, and Black people excel at this, just as they excel at anything else they try to achieve. Everyone likes the phrase, “Black lives matter,” but given the opportunity to undermine or destroy another black life or another black spirit, far too many black people take this opportunity. Black lives matter only so much.

The human race has much to learn from the animal kingdom. You don't kill unless you must. You don't kill once the other is down. I think everyone knows the truth:  In the long run, the white race has nothing to fear. Although Black people are beautiful, strong and resilient and although they shout it to the mountaintops, “Black Lives Matter,”  self-worth is something many Black people  have yet to believe. It'll take lifetimes to kill off the Black human spirit and soul so until then, white people can rest easy. Black people must first destroy each other; then they'll get around to the white human race. So what does this all have to do with karma? 
Do I really need to ask?

We are always of two minds, but which has the greatest influence on us--the rational or the emotional?

There are two mental processes that represent our thinking: the rational and the emotional mind. The rational thinking system is driven by detached observation, logic, assessment, and reasoning while the emotional thinking system is driven by an immediate feeling response, such as compassion. But which has the greatest influence on us?

Although we might think we're being influenced by only one type of thinking at any given time, studies show we are equally controlled by both. However, if problem-solving is too complex or information is incomplete, the rational mind becomes overworked and overwhelmed making it difficult to make decisions or solve problems. So when in doubt, our emotional brain takes charge and we make decisions based on emotional responses.

The emotional system enables us to respond quickly, even if it means trouble, while the rational system allows us to use logic and reason. The National Institutes of Health explains how complex our emotional system can be. Our emotional responses are immediate, but the rational thinking system causes us to step back and analyze the situation. When our two ways of responding are in balance, our emotional responses become more regulated and analytical.


A Toastmasters online resource provides the following explanation of how emotional and rational thinking processes work:

We are persuaded by reason, but we are moved by emotion. Several studies conclude that up to 90 percent of the decisions we make are based on emotion....

Emotional reactions and logical thinking go hand in hand when it comes to problem-solving, but when the problem requires too much rational thought, emotions win 90 percent of the time. This means, if there are too many factors involved or if the situation is too complicated, an emotional response will prevail over logical thinking. 

We need both types of thinking, rational and emotional, but we need to be aware of how the brain works when we are overwhelmed. If we trust the workings of our brain, very often, the emotional or intuitive response is the best response. 
           
(c) updated:  mhjohnson (2017)
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1201429/.
http://www.westsidetoastmasters.com. From "The Influence of Emotional Subject Matter on Logical Reading," Journal of General Psychology 34 (1946): 127-151.

Sometimes I wonder if sex before marriage is the key to a good marriage.

Some religions forbid sex before marriage but sometimes I wonder if sex before marriage is the key to a good marriage. After all, if the sex isn't good, how can the marriage be good? It's just a question that you might have the answer to. Read the following and feel free to respond with your words of wisdom. (The following is copied verbatim from the source cited. For more, contact the website.)

SEPTEMBER 9, 2015

18 Men Explain Exactly How Sex Is Different With Someone You Love

Daniel Hayes

 

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1. “For me, having sex with someone you love feels like you’ve ‘found’ something. There’s a real sense of discovering something that was missing before, a completeness that you don’t get from random hookups or even with long term lovers that you’re not in love with.”

—Luke, 27

2. “It is different. It’s so different that I actually think it might be the best way to tell whether you’re in love with someone or just in lust with them.”

—Oliver, 26

3. “The thing I noticed the most about having sex with someone I loved for the first time was that there was real humor and happiness involved. Like, we joked and smiled the whole way through. The sex was super satisfying of course but I remember afterward saying ‘that was fun’ and actually feeling joy instead of worrying about how I’d performed, etc. That was a real shock for me.”

—Nathan, 22

4. “Technically, I’ve had better sex with women that I wasn’t in love with than I have with women I have been in love with but at the same time I generally enjoyed it less. I’m still kind of getting my head around that.”

—Jonathon, 23

5. “People are always talking about how sex with someone you love is better but I don’t really see how that can be true. Sex is sex, either you have chemistry and know how to do it or you don’t. I don’t know how love could magically grant anyone mystic sex powers that suddenly make it better.”

—Ian, 24

6. “I’ve wondered about this a lot and at the risk of trying to explain something that probably has to be experienced to be understood I think that when you love someone you’re just more likely to trust them and when you have mutual trust you have better sex that’s mostly stress free.”

—Leo, 27

7. “This is really something men don’t talk about when it’s just ‘the guys’. I think that we’re told by society that A) Sex is dirty and awesome and that B) If you’re in love then you should never say so. Sex with someone you love can be actually transcendental and by that I mean you transcend your ‘self’ and become emotionally intwined with the person with whom you’re sharing that love. It’s a miracle if you ask me and we’d all be better off if we admitted how wonderful it is to feel that way.”

—Marc, 33

8. “The first time I had sex with someone I was in love with it scared me. It was just such an intensity of feeling that I immediately kind of freaked out and literally started shaking. The way I grew up and having the parents I had really explains this. There wasn’t much affection in the house. We were always emotionally on our guard. There wasn’t any trust. It took me some time to figure out what I was feeling and love making sort of ended up as a kind of reparative therapy for me. We’ve been married five years now and I feel like meeting her rescued me from what might have been a very sad and loveless life.”

—Jack, 28

9. “The first thing I noticed the first time I was with someone I was in love with and that was in love with me was that she seemed to really be into my pleasure in this really free way. I’d never come across that before.”

—Charlie, 25

10. “There’s definitely an isolation I’ve always felt during and after hookups, even when I really liked the person, that’s definitely showed me the meaning of ‘la petite mort’ (the little death). When I’ve had sex with someone I really loved I never felt that.”

—Tyler, 26

11. “For the most part, I’ve always enjoyed sex with someone new because you get to find out all about this new person and what they like and don’t like. There’s a lot of excitement in it but it’s definitely different from sex with someone you’re in love with. The best way I can describe is that it’s like you’re doing something with someone else instead of doing something to them.”

—Julian, 29

12. “It’s 100% possible to still have bad sex with someone you’re in love with. What I’ve found in my own life though is that bad sex with someone you love is still way better than good sex with someone you don’t love. For one thing, you don’t feel the need to leave right afterward.”

—David, 28

13. “They’re different, yeah, but as long as you’re not expecting love where there isn’t any then I think both can have their place. Where a lot of people go wrong and, I think, especially girls, is that they expect to feel love during hookups when that’s not what hookups are about. Making love is about being with someone you love, hookups are about sex or alleviating loneliness.”

—Jake, 30

14. “Sex is better with someone you love for the exact reason that literally everything is better with someone you love.”

—Tom, 22

15. “One thing I notice about casual sex is just how little effort people really put into it. If for no other reason, sex with someone you love is better because both of you are trying.”

—Jeremiah, 26

16. “Sex with someone you love is really different than sex with someone you’ve just met or haven’t known very long. There’s nothing like the adrenaline that comes with the sort of rowdy, casual sex you have with someone you just met at a club but there’s also nothing like sex that’s deeply intimate and that can be just as rowdy. The difference is that the former doesn’t have any meaning to it. The latter does.”

—Mark, 26

17. “The sex is different, yes. Is it better? It can be and when it is better it’s a lot better and when it’s bad it’s just okay. However, some of the best sex I ever had was with people I wasn’t in love with.”

—Evan, 24

18. “Sex with someone you love doesn’t have any of the ‘locked inside your head’ self consciousness that hookups have, in my experience.”

—Anthony, 23 

Daniel Hayes

Daniel is a Writer for Thought Catalog.

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Writing prompt for National Poetry Month, April 2017: How do you know you're in love?

Question: 

How do you know you're in love? How many times have you been in love, and how many precious memories do you still have? If you could turn back the hands of time and if you could relive the moments of being in love, how would you describe that love?

Process:

Writing a short narrative or a prose poem is a good place to start writing if you're not an experienced poet. You spend less time thinking and more time just writing, relaxing and allowing thoughts to flow.

Example in prose:

My first love is not easy to determine because it just is not, but the way to write anything is to keep writing for three to five minutes, allowing the mind to free-flow, while trying to keep the question in your mind. Let's see...I had a boyfriend who loved me but then I had a fiance whom I thought I  loved until he hit me in a state of jealousy and nearly broke my jaw. It crackled for months. In the whole scheme of things, my first love seemed to love me about as much as he loved himself, which wasn't enough for either of us, so it didn't last, but I think that might have been an instance of true love. I'm writing freely right now, but I want to stop or I might be forced to cover evidence, and that's not the point of writing at all, at least not when the purpose of the writing is to get the creativity flowing. So I'll stop with this, but I wrote a poem earlier, a poem which is more a series of questions than anything else. If I planned to write a longer poem, I would focus on something in the poem--the emotion, the images, the message and I'd build upon that. The trick is to start where you are and continue writing without worry, without erasing, and without stopping. After getting started you can continue. Once you think the writing is finished, you can go back and add whatever you think the writing needs. An example of poetry writing follows:

Example in poetry:

How do you know when you love someone?
After you've seen their face or smelt the musk
Of a hard day's work and thought,
How beautiful? Or is it much simpler,
Like how your entire soul cringes
When they say hello or good night?
Or is it how you take flight,
Fearing a heavenly
Lock down?
                          (c) by Mjia Johnson 2017