DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: Important steps to remember

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!  You know you saw it, that passive-aggressive gesture made by an aggressor to someone less powerful--the almost "flinching" response that indicates intimidation or fear. You saw it, but quickly turned away. You knew what would be coming--an act of brutality once in the confines of a bedroom or living room after the world was fast asleep. We all know it happens in modern society but choose to see nothing, say nothing and do nothing. It's not our business to interfere--or is it?

It's a quiet, subtle offense that mostly goes unpunished because of fear. No one can protect  a victim after the patrol cars roll away, when family is fast asleep, when eye-witnesses have gone back to their homes to do what they usually do--forget about the outside world. People know when something is wrong but they don't want to become the victims themselves because they upset your harasser or perpetrator. They want to feel safe; it's not personal. Feeling safe is a human need (not a human want). After food, shelter, water, warmth and bare necessities, people need to feel safe. Interfering in a domestic violence situation doesn't make people feel safe. So even if you saw them watching, don't expect people to interfere and save you. Who's going to save them when the perpetrator seeks revenge? 

To increase your safety, learn the signs of frustration in your perpetrator or abuser and prepare for the worst. You might call a helpline like 1-800...No, forget about emergency help. When you need emergency help, call 911, call a friend, call a clergyman, or call a resource that you have researched and are familiar with. Before writing this, I did a practice run. I called several resources on a Sunday morning, the time when many domestic violence incidents occur, but found no one who could offer help. There was either no answer on the phones, nobody willing to give information except to the person in the active crisis situation or I was transferred to answering services. So my point in sharing this information is this:

Do your research in advance. If you know you might be in danger, know who you will call in case of emergency (I.C.E.). Don't talk to social agency representatives when you're in a stressful crisis situation. Your family might accidentally get registered in some data bank that you never  heard of. When in doubt, don't take chances. Be prepared.

Prepare yourself before you need to call 911. Have emergency instructions indicating what steps to take and who you will entrust to take care of the house, the pets, and your children, in case you are somehow detained. If you press charges, the end of the relationship (and the end of violence) is near, but it will take courage to follow-through until the perpetrator is behind bars or out of your life. 

Be prepared to move. You will probably need to move to a safe area of town or to a new city altogether where you can't be easily found once the perpetrator is released on bail. If you must appear in court after you press charges, bring someone with you, and stay motivated to take the issue all the way using a court-appointed lawyer and your network of support.

Domestic violence is a private-public affair. People observe each other and know when something is wrong, but they don't want to get involved. So take care of yourself during the good times, but prepare for the bad. Identify resources in advance. Depend on a small circle of friends and reliable services that you researched in advance. Most important, depend on your higher power to give you courage to change the things you can.

Depending on the situation, parents should work with children from one of three perspectives.

Raising a child in today's society is not easy. Children and parents are challenged by technology, schedules, tests and assessments, peer pressure in schools and stress in the workplace. With so much going on in life, it's hard to manage family affairs and be the ideal parent. Many parents see their children as burdens or enemies, rather than as treasures--precious and unique. Raising a child takes commitment and work, but the work doesn't need to be hard.

I heard a sermon today, explaining the best way to parent a child. It started with an opinion that today's parents prefer "minimal interference" due to reverence for the child's inborn personality. This opinion is not new. It was voiced generations ago by those who felt children should be allowed to grow naturally with few  societal demands. Such ideas were influenced by education philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau (1712-1778) who insisted that exposure to society negatively impacts child development. His novel Emile focuses on the positive effects of free expression in the natural environment. 

According to the Priest, Rousseau's perspective is being reintroduced.The sermon went on to explain the right way for parents to deal with their children. Children need guidance, but they need the right kind of guidance because this determines their success in life. According to the Priest, when it comes to raising children, "Work not with your hand, but with
 your heart." Depending on the situation, parents should work with children from one of three perspectives: 

1. Sovereign - Protect the child.

2. Teacher - Teach the child correct principles and behavior.

3. Parent - Offer compassion and empathy to the child.

Children model adult behavior and they follow actions rather than words. To make appropriate choices in parenting, especially when feeling over-whelmed, limit your choices and adjust your attitude based on which perspective is best--sovereign, teacher or parent. If you realize these are the only options, raising a child might not be as difficult as it seems.

One poet's response to October, a month of blue skies and beautiful surprises!

 October's Bright Blue Weather






O SUNS and skies and clouds of June,

And flowers of June together,

Ye cannot rival for one hour

October's bright blue weather;

When loud the bumblebee makes haste,

Belated, thriftless vagrant,

And goldenrod is dying fast,

And lanes with grapes are fragrant;

When gentians roll their fingers tight

To save them for the morning,

And chestnuts fall from satin burrs

Without a sound of warning;

When on the ground red apples lie

In piles like jewels shining,

And redder still on old stone walls

Are leaves of woodbine twining;

When all the lovely wayside things

Their white-winged seeds are sowing,

And in the fields still green and fair,

Late aftermaths are growing;

When springs run low, and on the brooks,

In idle golden freighting,

Bright leaves sink noiseless in the hush

Of woods, for winter waiting;

When comrades seek sweet country haunts,

By twos and twos together,

And count like misers, hour by hour,

October's bright blue weather.

O sun and skies and flowers of June,

Count all your boasts together,

Love loveth best of all the year

October's bright blue weather.

Helen Hunt Jackson







Photo: (c) Mjohnson

If I don't receive information from you, it's true that men have it easier in life than women, but not much easier.

Society never sympathizes with women, especially if a women is in any way threatening--to women or to men. When something bad happens, it's usually the woman's fault due to something she did or did not do or say. Because she walks alone (despite the church affiliation, the supportive girlfriend(s) or the good (hope he's not cheating) man, she's often suspect. She often can't share her negative experiences with everyone and her experiences are many. Whether a woman would choose a different gender is a good question because men don't exactly have it easy, either. But who do you think has it easier in life, women or men?

As I pondered this question, I made a couple of lists: 

• Men have it easier when it comes to being accepted by women and others in society.
• Men have it easier when it comes to saving money on clothing and other necessities.
• Men don't have to worry about an irregular monthly menstrual cycle--surprise!
• Men don't have to worry about pregnancies, abortions, or unaffordable children.
• Men don't have to tip-toe or stand on a chair to clean hard to reach areas or to pull groceries. from the top shelves at a grocery store.
• Men don't have to worry about shaving their legs or armpits
• Men don't have to hover over a toilet seat in public restrooms.
• Men don't have to worry about losing their temper or getting into a brawl.
• Men don't have to worry about being very smart, unattractive or unstable.

On the other hand:

• *Women have it easier when it comes to faking--most anything.
• *Women have it easier because they don't have to shave their faces and other places.
• *Women have it easier when it comes to openly expressing emotions and acting temperamental.
• *Women have it easier when it comes to providing evidence of being attracted to a partner or mate.
• *Women don't have to worry about "pleasing" someone since it comes almost automatic.
• *Women don't have to worry about stolen DNA and involuntary donations.
• *Women don't have to stand up to urinate.
• *Women don't have to worry about side-effects of Viagra.

If I'm leaving out something that women or men don't have to worry about, leave me a message and I'll add it (and your alias, if you'd like) to this blog post. If I don't receive information from you, I'll assume it's true that men have it easier in life than women, but not much easier.

Is this how it happened to someone you know? -- "One day I'll find the nerve to tell mama, one day when she's not too tired to listen."

It's no secret it's kept a secret how those like me get this way. When you look into my eyes it's like looking into a mirror, but it's more than a mirror, much like a portal where you go to hide if you want to cry so nobody hears you after he leaves.

I grow in ways my mother never dreamed because she's preoccupied with small babies and too tired to notice the look in my uncle's eyes, daring me to tell. I have a boyfriend who will not try to hurt me even when I turn thirteen. He's good to me and doesn't know. He's sixteen.

I jump through hoops to look sweet and innocent, like everybody says I am. I learn well, do what I'm told and sometimes get five dollars I don't deserve.

Look for me in midsummer night's mist sitting in shadows on the back porch, watching fireflies. Now you see me, now you don't but nobody ever realizes I'm gone. Maybe because it only takes a few minutes. One day I'll find the nerve to tell mama, one day when she's not too tired to listen

artwork (c) Mhjohnson 2015

September is one reason you never really leave NYC.

If you know a better place to live than New York City, let me know. After 9/11, I moved out of New York and it was the worst thing I could have done not because there aren't other lovely places to live but because I needed to embrace what happened rather than run away and because once you live in NYC, it's not easy to live anywhere else.  

September used to be that ho-hum month that gets wedged between the end of trips to the beach and the beginning of fall foliage tours. Now, September has a presence of its own, one that became etched in our hearts and souls. It's hard being away from New York City because it's a place that welcomes everyone. It's the gold standard for diversity in life as well as the arts. One of the best things about NYC is the creativity which is inspired by the beauty of the place, the energy of the place, and the memories which get more precious by the year.

"I love New York" is not just a slogan; it's a state of mind that starts deep within the soul. They say you can never go home again, but this isn't true for NYC because you actually never leave, definitely not in September. 
 MHJ

Neil Diamond - Both Sides Now live at the Troubadour 1971

https://youtu.be/CoWbLH7bdvM