Losing ones temper is only a cover-up. Because we don't like to feel vulnerable, we default to what seems a more aggressive emotional response. Are you hiding your true emotions behind anger?
Do you ever wonder why you get so mad at certain times, around certain people, or in certain situations? If you want to know what you're hiding when you become angry, stop yourself as soon as you start to feel flushed and flustered, before you've had time to strike back. Check your emotions and see what shows up—fear, sadness, invalidation? It's good if you can notice the feeling but it's much better if you can also name and target the exact emotion that you feel.
When I was in elementary school, I fought a lot because I was bullied. I felt sadness, but my outward response was anger. Sadness was a sign of weakness, so I felt embarrassed to admit this underlying emotion. It was only after high school that I learned to hide the anger, at least for a week or two. I learned to search for the emotion that fueled my anger. It took years for me to stop responding to insults and injury with anger but finally I grasped the concept.
It's not the outward feelings that we need to control. The control must start with the inward emotions, those we hide beneath the surface so no one is the wiser about our vulnerabilities. Feelings must be attached to specific emotions before they can be targeted and conquered.
The following excerpt retrieved from www.creducation.org explains how we hide our underlying feelings with anger:
Anger is often called a secondary emotion because we tend to resort to anger in order to protect ourselves from or cover up other vulnerable feelings. A primary feeling shows up immediately before feelings of anger. We almost always feel something else first, before we get angry.
We might first feel afraid, attacked, offended, disrespected, forced, trapped, pressured or violated. If any of these feelings are intense enough, we think of the emotion as anger. But even anger is not the emotion. It's more like an emotional response to negative attacks.
Although hidden, underlying emotions are stronger than what can be observed on the surface. When we go deeper into the emotion underlying the outward expression of anger, we can locate and control emotional responses that show up as anger or as some other inappropriate response.
When a feeling of anger begins to sweep over you, just inhale, exhale, and give yourself a moment to search for the underlying emotion. Replay the scenario so as to locate the exact incident or emotion that caused a negative response. Feelings and reactions are a direct response to an emotion, and emotions never lie.
Negative feelings hide our true emotions but if an emotion is named and identified, we can question its legitimacy or right to exist and change how we respond to others and to ourselves. Becoming angry is something that can be changed. In fact, our responses to negativity can be changed by targeting the emotion rather than the feeling.
