DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: Important steps to remember

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!  You know you saw it, that passive-aggressive gesture made by an aggressor to someone less powerful--the almost "flinching" response that indicates intimidation or fear. You saw it, but quickly turned away. You knew what would be coming--an act of brutality once in the confines of a bedroom or living room after the world was fast asleep. We all know it happens in modern society but choose to see nothing, say nothing and do nothing. It's not our business to interfere--or is it?

It's a quiet, subtle offense that mostly goes unpunished because of fear. No one can protect  a victim after the patrol cars roll away, when family is fast asleep, when eye-witnesses have gone back to their homes to do what they usually do--forget about the outside world. People know when something is wrong but they don't want to become the victims themselves because they upset your harasser or perpetrator. They want to feel safe; it's not personal. Feeling safe is a human need (not a human want). After food, shelter, water, warmth and bare necessities, people need to feel safe. Interfering in a domestic violence situation doesn't make people feel safe. So even if you saw them watching, don't expect people to interfere and save you. Who's going to save them when the perpetrator seeks revenge? 

To increase your safety, learn the signs of frustration in your perpetrator or abuser and prepare for the worst. You might call a helpline like 1-800...No, forget about emergency help. When you need emergency help, call 911, call a friend, call a clergyman, or call a resource that you have researched and are familiar with. Before writing this, I did a practice run. I called several resources on a Sunday morning, the time when many domestic violence incidents occur, but found no one who could offer help. There was either no answer on the phones, nobody willing to give information except to the person in the active crisis situation or I was transferred to answering services. So my point in sharing this information is this:

Do your research in advance. If you know you might be in danger, know who you will call in case of emergency (I.C.E.). Don't talk to social agency representatives when you're in a stressful crisis situation. Your family might accidentally get registered in some data bank that you never  heard of. When in doubt, don't take chances. Be prepared.

Prepare yourself before you need to call 911. Have emergency instructions indicating what steps to take and who you will entrust to take care of the house, the pets, and your children, in case you are somehow detained. If you press charges, the end of the relationship (and the end of violence) is near, but it will take courage to follow-through until the perpetrator is behind bars or out of your life. 

Be prepared to move. You will probably need to move to a safe area of town or to a new city altogether where you can't be easily found once the perpetrator is released on bail. If you must appear in court after you press charges, bring someone with you, and stay motivated to take the issue all the way using a court-appointed lawyer and your network of support.

Domestic violence is a private-public affair. People observe each other and know when something is wrong, but they don't want to get involved. So take care of yourself during the good times, but prepare for the bad. Identify resources in advance. Depend on a small circle of friends and reliable services that you researched in advance. Most important, depend on your higher power to give you courage to change the things you can.

Depending on the situation, parents should work with children from one of three perspectives.

Raising a child in today's society is not easy. Children and parents are challenged by technology, schedules, tests and assessments, peer pressure in schools and stress in the workplace. With so much going on in life, it's hard to manage family affairs and be the ideal parent. Many parents see their children as burdens or enemies, rather than as treasures--precious and unique. Raising a child takes commitment and work, but the work doesn't need to be hard.

I heard a sermon today, explaining the best way to parent a child. It started with an opinion that today's parents prefer "minimal interference" due to reverence for the child's inborn personality. This opinion is not new. It was voiced generations ago by those who felt children should be allowed to grow naturally with few  societal demands. Such ideas were influenced by education philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau (1712-1778) who insisted that exposure to society negatively impacts child development. His novel Emile focuses on the positive effects of free expression in the natural environment. 

According to the Priest, Rousseau's perspective is being reintroduced.The sermon went on to explain the right way for parents to deal with their children. Children need guidance, but they need the right kind of guidance because this determines their success in life. According to the Priest, when it comes to raising children, "Work not with your hand, but with
 your heart." Depending on the situation, parents should work with children from one of three perspectives: 

1. Sovereign - Protect the child.

2. Teacher - Teach the child correct principles and behavior.

3. Parent - Offer compassion and empathy to the child.

Children model adult behavior and they follow actions rather than words. To make appropriate choices in parenting, especially when feeling over-whelmed, limit your choices and adjust your attitude based on which perspective is best--sovereign, teacher or parent. If you realize these are the only options, raising a child might not be as difficult as it seems.